To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

Seriously wtf is going on with some people feel sorry for your kid

You cant tell yet. DS always played on his own. No interest at all in other kids. When my friends with kids came over they would either fight over toys or ignore each other. He was never invited to parties until he started school and in year 1 he always said he doesnt wanna go to the parties. He saw no benefit in hanging out with other kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

We were a little worried he would always prefer to be on his own. It totally turned around now though. Hes in year 3 and has several really good friends that he hangs out with after school. He also goes to parties now and enjoys them.

Yes, you sound suspicious, and positively obsessed with social climbing, hierarchy, 'cliques', 'families like us' and exclusion! No three year olds have actual friends, and children move nursery and school all the time without it being some kind of major social catastrophe. We've moved areas five times and countries twice since DS (11)'s birth, and, despite landing in this country just before Covid closed down the schools for a long time, he has a lovely group of friends, whose parents are also very cool and have become our friends in turn. And did so even though we showed up at a new school in a new country, mid-year and just before a pandemic.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to calm down and stop viewing her friendships as some kind of exercise in social exclusion and cliquishness. I swear, part of the reason I left the UK was because this kind of social anxiety about education and 'nice friends' was so tiresomely prevalent in the village we lived in last.

You are being ridiculous.

My daughter barely remembers, amongst her Junior school peers, who she did and didn’t attend preschool with.

She didn’t go to ANY third birthday parties.

This is daft. Both DC went to a nursery miles away at DH's work. They started primary school at the village school where loads of the kids had been at the village pre-school together. They made plenty of friends as I have done with the parents

'People like us'? What exactly does that mean?

This is a joke post, surely. I'm from London and there were kids coming and going not just from different schools but different countries throughout their ime at primary school.

How ridiculous.

Sounds like you need to chill. This is ridiculous.

My DD was rarely invited to parties in primary school. She really struggled in the setting because she was viewed as ‘weird’. Secondary school has been amazing for her in comparison because the pool of friends available is so vast and now she’s out regularly with friends. Try not to fixate too much OP.

YABU and quite silly. Do you really think that 3 year olds have made life long friendships and won't let anyone else in their circle? Come on now.

My DS didn't go to any birthday parties until he was about 5 and in primary school. I didn't throw him a birthday party when he was 3, he won't remember it so what's the point.

My DDs have moved country 3 times since nursery age, as well as within the UK.

In Year5 and Year 7, with a wide range of friends.

Its the parent cliques which are harder. I'm friendly with some others who find the cliqueness amusing.

My dd didn't go to school with a single person from her preschool, same town but it just didn't fall that way. She made friends at school easily.

She's at college now and she's had many friends over the years, she's still friends with the girl she made friends with in day 1 of school, they aren't best friends anymore but they are each others constant and they genuinely love each other. Other friends have come and gone.

DS didn't go to a party til he was in Reception (partly covid but it just wasn't really a thing anyway)

And children change as they age, friendships early on are rarely life long.

Oh wow, you need to relax. It will all work out ok.
When the time comes though, you need to be proactive about play dates. They don't just fall into your lap.

Aside from anything else, I’ve noticed a lot of families are dropping the big parties, they are so expensive and the cost of living going up this is an easy way to cut back. DC2 wanted all class party and it was going to be £400 before party bags and cake. I managed to do for £120 before covid for dc1.

Back to closest few mates for parties now.

'people like us' is valid, as if you get on with the parents you are more likely to arrange meetups for the kids at that age.

However I am worried about a move to the nursery of the 'best primary'.
How likely is it you will get a place at this primary for Reception? If it is not very likely then she will make yet more temporary friends.

The time for pushing is in Reception. Those are the families/children you'll be with for 7 years.

I'm a way, you've never actually given yourself time to build any relationships with anyone when you move her from place to place. Once she's in the preschool and move into reception, you'll have time to make connections and so will your daughter. You'll all be fine, just stay in one place x

That’s ridiculous- and so is constantly moving setting for childcare when you don’t need to, that’s really damaging! Children need to build lasting relationships with caregivers not chopping and changing.

DD will be going to a school with absolutely no-one from her nursery as nursery is 15 miles from where we live and school is just around the corner. She has a great group of friends from there but I’m not daft enough to
think these will last once we start school. We will be starting again at 5.

I thought cliques were best avoided? Sounds like the school playground.

@TeenDivided · Today 13:36
'people like us' is valid, as if you get on with the parents you are more likely to arrange meetups for the kids at that age.

and how do you know if you are going to get on with people you've never spoken to?

It's very obvious what she means by it and it's grim.

Lol, I know. Some brutal stuff here, but perhaps I had it coming. Not the person who feels sorry for my kid though, they can right off.

Wasn’t expecting such a big response anyway, so I can’t reply to everyone.

Definitely gave my head a wobble though and ultimately did highlight a major theme, which is that I’m probably projecting my own anxiety about popularity and friendships onto DD. Clearly that’s not great and I need to get a grip, but in my defence it’s only because I want her to have a better social life than I did growing up.

My eldest had lots of lovely pre school friends. At 14 she doesn’t remember any of them. She does however have a lovely mix of friends she has made from primary school, secondary school and extra curricular activities.

My youngest is different as two of her best friends are from pre school but that’s very unusual.

seriously, you need to relax about this.

You are right. If you don't make any firm friends by 3 yo then that's pretty much it for life. Social pariah status awaits.

You’re worrying way too much, and, kindly, I wonder if you’re projecting you’re own friendship insecurities onto the situation.

My eldest DD went to the odd nursery party, but only really started to make proper friends when she started school (and they would change according to the weather anyway).

I’m sure there are cliques, but by overly worrying about that I think you ostracise the normal mums for whom school gate politics just isn’t a thing, and who just want an easy life with a quick chat if they happen to be at the school gates, and who are happy arranging play dates with the kids their own child gets on with, regardless of whether the parent is ‘in the right group’

Once your DD’s settled into preschool, see who she talks about and maybe try and arrange a few play dates. You have absolutely not set the tone for your DD’s future friendships, don’t worry about that, it’s not something that longer term you can engineer for them anyway, of course the occasional play date and party is nice, but she’ll spend 5 days a week with the same kids and make friends in her own time.

your not you’re