To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

[Beachyrain94]

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

I agree with this

Hate to say it but eyelash extensions are not a good look (unless you’re on the stage) and never look natural and damage your existing lashes.

But I also agree with the pps in wondering how you can’t afford it with all the aforementioned promotions etc

You can have really lovely, genuinely natural looking ones now.

But as it's hard to tell they're extensions, people think that extensions always look unnatural.

However they're just the ones that are immediately noticeable!

Neither is spite. Leave the OP alone.

You can have really lovely, genuinely natural looking ones now.
But as it's hard to tell they're extensions, people think that extensions always look unnatural.
However they're just the ones that are immediately noticeable!

Yes I think there's so many bad lash extensions around and so very noticeable.

I do still think they're damaging and the OP is better off.

I’ve seen some very natural looking extensions - had no idea - much better than the fake stick on ones.

Well, there'd be much less mess and less cost, laundry etc if you weren't living with them... just saying.
It sounds like you've outgrown him and that you've grown up and he's stayed the same.

It's your money. What about getting on the ladder with a shared ownership home and you can keep your lashes and have a cleaner.

Why are you allowing this behaviour. Tell him to help you or you will go it alone. He sounds a selfish man tbh! He is happy to see you struggling to keep the house clean and tidy. Good on you for having drive and standards. I dont think you need a man at all. Stand up for yourself.

How did your discussion go @Beachyrain94 ? Are you anywhere nearer resolving this?

Looks like the OP’s partner has finally joined the conversation. What a charmer

@1mabon

Telling a stranger to 'shut up' is really fucking weird mate.

Don’t give up your one luxury and do get a cleaner . Stop buying for him & SD . If he’s not prepared to help or pay half for a cleaner why should you pay for him and his daughter .
unless you sit down and make him realise that this is important to you these differences will become more and more apparent and you will end up leaving ! I’d be gone already . I suspect there is some control. He doesn’t mind letting you spend money on him and his daughter but god forbid it’s something to help you x

Partner signed off work with depression again - AIBU?
97 replies
Beachyrain94 · 28/09/2021 16:07

Hello all, i'm hoping this is the right place to ask and just generally get some advice if possible. I'm new here so please bare with me and i'll try to get to the point..

Long story short, i've been with my partner now for 5 years, who has 50/50 custody of his daughter with his ex. We have lived together for nearly 4 years, and worked through some pretty rough times together - I'm sure I don't need to go into too much detail about court proceedings and child arrangements anyway but i'm sure you get the gist...

Around 2018/2019, my partners mental health really took a battering, and he was signed off work for a month and diagnosed with severe depression. He started taking anti-depressants (one really did not agree with him so he had to change over which in itself was a very emotionally and physically difficult time). He also started drinking heavily during this time, getting through up to half a litre if not more of vodka per night. Throughout this time I supported him every way I could, taking on 99% of the daily tasks like washing, cooking, cleaning etc and even taking on a part time weekend job (on top of my full time job) as after the month of SSP wore off he was earning very little.

The very 'rough time' wore off after about 6 months of the anti-depressants and since then it was smooth sailing. That was until June of last year when my dad was diagnosed with S4 NET bowel cancer and passed away quickly after, shortly followed (five months later) by his step dad passing away who had S4 pancreatic cancer and had been battling on and off for 3 years. I was so proud of my partner as he stopped drinking as soon as my dad died, which lasted for 10 months and everything seemed to be doing okay, but now he has started again and it seems to be getting out of hand.

To cut the long story short, he's been signed off work again with depression and is due to be changing his medication to something different - the doctor fears it might be 'wearing off' so to speak. I know this is going to sound awfully selfish and I wouldn't blame any of you for shouting at me in the comments, but i'm absolutely dreading it.

Whilst i'm earning a bit more now so the money isn't worrying me, i'm VERY apprehensive about how the medication change is going to go and really don't have the emotional or physical capacity to be taking on all of the housework again as well as looking after my step-daughter day to day, finishing my part-time masters dissertation and obviously the full-time job. It's causing me to panic massively and emotionally shut down because I'm feeling this bitter resentment towards him for taking the 'easy route', when I know logically I really need to be at my best to support him and just suck it up.

I've had a difficult time of it too this last year struggling with grief for my dad, stress at work and with uni, and feel like this is just going to finish me off as well :(

AIBU about being kind of annoyed at him for being signed off again? Sorry for rambling, I guess I just needed to vent..

This was one of your posts a few years ago so I'd say you've given him lots of time, lots of excuses and lots of leeway and he's not changed and is not going to change, he fully expects you to do everything, work full time on top, spend your money on his child and not help support your simple request to have a clean house and if you cant do it between you to get help which seeing as he has a child in the house he should want too🤦‍♀️

Please take the advice of your friends, of the people on here and do whats best for you and get away xx

Oh OP, you’ve been wasting your money, time and energy on this man for a long time.

You weren’t put on this earth to sacrifice your life to this man and child that isn’t yours.

No wonder it’s taken you so long to save for a deposit.