Page 7 | To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

Whiteroomjoy · 14/04/2023 12:33

Precipice · 13/04/2023 22:43

This is ridiculous. Shared laundry is fine and in many cases makes more sense, as it's faster to fill out a wash of a particular colour grouping (though again, no reason it should be done just by you). But general cleaning should be shared between you.

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🥴I live on my own. When I divorced I bought enough undies bedding etc to last 2 weeks.
i do all my washing once every fortnight with full loads. That’s 3 washes. Very economical

so no it’s not easier or cheaper- it’s just how most women are bought up to include washing from all people at same time

msybe start thinking outside box if you’re married and playing this mugs game of it’s easier to do husbands at same time . No it’s not. It’s easier on you for him to do his own and take necessary action to ensure he had full loads

pickledandpuzzled · 14/04/2023 12:38

I totally agree @Whiteroomjoy !

I do a clothes wash every two weeks or so, all in together 30degres. In summer I have a small white load as well but it can go in with sheets so it's fine.

Husband and son do their own.

There's no sorting to be done, it's so much faster for everyone.

pishkashante · 14/04/2023 12:42

pickledandpuzzled · 14/04/2023 12:38

I totally agree @Whiteroomjoy !

I do a clothes wash every two weeks or so, all in together 30degres. In summer I have a small white load as well but it can go in with sheets so it's fine.

Husband and son do their own.

There's no sorting to be done, it's so much faster for everyone.

Same here, DH and I do our own laundry. I have actually never washed his clothes. I do wash the bedding but DH does other stuff like cleaning the loo.

OP, don’t be guilt tripped into doing all the laundry.

Have a separate laundry bag just for yourself.

Blossomed · 14/04/2023 14:06

Beachyrain94 · 14/04/2023 11:38

Morning all, and thankyou so much for all of the replies, even those harshly worded ones. It just helps to put things into perspective a little! I was definitely expecting a mixed bag in terms of views but I’m grateful just to get a wider perspective. The friends I have spoken to are (fortunately for them) not in the same situation and have fairly equal splits of responsibility so they have also been on the side of those mentioning I should just cut my losses and move on…

To all replies mentioning about saving for a house, I would be buying & on the mortgage by myself (hence it taking a hell of a long time to save up for). Also for those asking about eyelash expenditure - it works out at £40 per infill which is every 2-3 weeks. I appreciate that this is much less than what I’d be paying a cleaner, but absorbing the whole cost by myself (likely £200 p/m which seems to be in line with other posters have commented) would definitely mean I need to either stop the eyelashes or really stretch out the infills.

In terms of moving forward, I think I’m going to look at making a list of all the jobs we do (for myself at this point to clarify things) and working out how it’s split. I’m going to also have a discussion with DP tonight to see how he feels about the divvying up of jobs. Wish me luck……

Good luck :) My partner and I often struggle to get much housework done during the week (apart from the usual cleaning up after meals etc), so we try and have a ‘power hour/half hour’ at the weekend. We just turn the music up and blast the house together. We find it helpful and feels more like a team activity. May be worth a try :) x

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 14:14

Expect reall pushback from him.

He's used to you being a real pushover.

Paying for HIS child for years, combined with being house skivvy, laundry fairy.

He won't take kindly to you not continue being such a mug.

He has had years of entitlement.

Expect to see the real him, in all his lazy selfish glory.

Men like him have children, but quickly look around for a mug to raised, feed, pay, and clean up after them.

That's what you are.

You deserve better, as your friends have told you.

MysteryBelle · 14/04/2023 15:28

Read updates, sounds good. Glad you’re not putting him on the mortgage. Whatever you do, don’t do that. He’s not on the up and up with his finances.

Willowtre1 · 14/04/2023 17:19

OP I still feel like you are accepting a bad situation. Having him means you have his daughter 50% of the time. That's a huge commitment. I would expect him to be making accommodations for this fact alone, as no how much you might care for her, it isn't your child. I would expect him to be doing half of the workload that comes from you and him and in addition to that, the vast majority that derives from his daughter. The balance is so far the other way, he is definitely taking advantage of you and can't possibly respect you.

Is he really really seriously worth it? You could have a respectful, hardworking man with no children, that you can build a life and home with exactly on your terms. One thing I've learnt from reading this site and getting older myself is that being single isn't worse than being with a shit of a man!! I feel so sad for you. Please reconsider your situation whilst you have no ties

Catwithbigfeet · 14/04/2023 17:52

Good luck this evening OP.

Be prepared to him becoming shouty, belittling, gaslighting and turning it round to blame you.

Better for you to toe the line and be”nice”so he can continue to take advantage.
How annoying for him that you’ve noticed his bad behaviour and are going to call him out on it.
I’m glad you’re planning on buying without him.

GrumpyPanda · 14/04/2023 18:48

user1492757084 · 14/04/2023 04:25

Spend your time doing cleaning that really matters to you and looking after yourself. Shop for food but ask DH to cook a couple of days per week.
Stop doing any chores for the DH and SD but insist that SDs clothes are clean and her room is vaccumed etc.. You will have to train him becaue to date he has had you, the Claning Fairy, flitting about behind the scenes.
Reassess the need for a cleaner once your husband regularly contributes.

Disagree on the cooking. It should be 50:50 unless partner takes over some other chores in their entirety. OP should stop doing ANY cooking the week SD is there- her "D"P will have to step up. In the meantime, she can just look after herself, maybe get a proper warm lunch on her break.

Wexone · 14/04/2023 21:02

Best of luck this eve. need updates. had similar when 1st moved in with himself. however not as bad as you. my standards were in hindsight too high. I see that now when visit my mother. we grew up in a house that was constantly being cleaned..now I see my mother never sitting still when there doing everything fir my father. like the floor is washed every day and once a week is on her hands and knees. himself actually grew up with cleaners so never had to do it and then boarding school. we both agreeded to have a cleaner every second week. we take it turns to pay. it is no means a luxery sorry. its needed for sanity and to allow us to work and live the way we do. I used to have someone who did ironing too. but now as work from home more do it myslef as have time. himself os agood cook so he does most of the cooking aswell as does everything outside I have no interest at all outside. we have a fair division of labour now. some weeks will do more or.less than each other due to work. however we both know what's acceptable in order to keep harmony. we work as a team. which is not happening with you. think long and hard before you commit to him ling term. and also buy a dishwasher that saves one argument

Axahooxa · 14/04/2023 21:11

Love your updates @Beachyrain94
Maybe it’s time for him to lower his standards if he can’t do his own laundry or shopping.

LizzieSiddal · 14/04/2023 21:26

Glad to read your updates, he’s really treating you with no respect at all and taking advantage of you.

Mumsanetta · 14/04/2023 21:36

Everyone commenting is just a stranger on the internet but the fact that your friends also say to cut your losses says a lot. Ask yourself if they’re good friends who care about you and, if they are, it might be time to listen them and save your time on cleaning rotas that your DP will (at best) adhere to for a few weeks before resuming normal service.

UsingChangeofName · 14/04/2023 21:39

Mumsanetta · 14/04/2023 21:36

Everyone commenting is just a stranger on the internet but the fact that your friends also say to cut your losses says a lot. Ask yourself if they’re good friends who care about you and, if they are, it might be time to listen them and save your time on cleaning rotas that your DP will (at best) adhere to for a few weeks before resuming normal service.

I totally agree with this ^

we spend £250-300 per month on our cleaner!

Im99912 · 14/04/2023 21:49

Not really the point but for the OP
I have a subscription for lashes 😂 at my beauty salon
I pay 90 a month and can go and have full set of infills every week or just a top up
i can go as often as I like as well as having eyebrow waxing shaping tinting and a lash baths for full removal of lashes
I normally get my lashes done every week

better than a cleaner 😂

Silentmama · 14/04/2023 21:50

@UsingChangeofName

You spend £70 a week on cleaners?

That is 5 hours or Junior doctor time a week.

Silentmama · 14/04/2023 21:51

Nearly! ( £ 72 would be 5 hours)

Ktime · 14/04/2023 21:52

Silentmama · 14/04/2023 21:50

@UsingChangeofName

You spend £70 a week on cleaners?

That is 5 hours or Junior doctor time a week.

Pretty sure a cleaner is more useful than a doctor on a day to day basis 🤣

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/04/2023 22:03

Stop doing their laundry. And stop paying for anything directly benefiting them alone. Keep your eyelashes and get the cleaner but do not allow her(?) to clean anything for them.

Elle2018 · 14/04/2023 22:22

@Nevermind31 this is genius!

TheNine · 14/04/2023 22:24

I mean, LTB is the obvious answer, but what the hell are all those degrees in if you can’t afford lashes and a cleaner? The life and times of Elvis Presley or something?

gillefc82 · 14/04/2023 22:38

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:28

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

Are you wedded to getting lash extensions? If not, may be worth trying a lash tint and lash lift? I have had extensions previously, and whilst I loved them when first done, they did make my natural lashes sit flatter and straighter over time. I switched to getting a lash tint and lift (basically perming your natural lashes to stay in a curl) and much prefer the result. Means you can go without mascara day to day but still look “put together” but on the occasions when you want more wow/impactful lashes, you can add a few coats of mascara and they really look fab.

I pay £40 for mine and they will typically last about 5-6 weeks, so may be a little cheaper for you?

BensonStabler · 14/04/2023 22:51

LittleOwl153 · 13/04/2023 22:38

Do not give up your one luxury. If he won't pay he can do the damn work or cover the cost of other things he's raken for granted. Stop paying for the step daughter and his clothes that's his cost. If he can afford it HE can up his income or up his own housework. Lazy slob.

This 👏

SorePaw · 14/04/2023 22:53

NoKnit · 14/04/2023 02:04

I'm falling to see the relevance of your masters degree, promotions or pay raises in all this. Do you think you've worked harder than someone who say for example works their socks off 50 hours a week cleaning in a hospital or a shop or something? Surely they deserve a cleaner at home too?

If you can afford to pay a cleaner then do it. But what you do for a Iiving is irrelevant

@NoKnit push the chip
off your shoulder, that's not what she was saying. What she was saying is the she has put a lot of effort into improving her income whilst cocklodger hasn't, is cruising along & not pulling his weight st home either.

@Beachyrain94 don't settle for this. He's a lazy twat. You could do so much better on your own/with someone motivated/with drive.
he's a dirty lazy excuse of a man & father.

7 years seems ages but it's just a snippet out of your ling life, get out while you're young, it's much easier to build a better life.

CanofCant · 14/04/2023 22:58

Beachyrain94 · 14/04/2023 12:01

This is definitely something I’m going to stop doing now too, starting today. I genuinely hadn’t really thought too much about it until I’d read these comments, but a pair of trainers, a few hoodies etc here and there really do add up. I’m also going to be specifically doing a food shop online from now on to be delivered and let DP sort whatever else he and SD may need for lunches etc for himself if he can’t be bothered to add it onto the online shop (like come on, all he needs to do is click a button on the app!!!) I know it seems harsh but I think it’s time to take a stand.

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It doesn't seem harsh at all! Sorry if I misread but do you mean he doesn't pay any maintenance for his daughter and that you subsidise him for this?

Op, this isn't okay at all. He's making a fool of your love and kindness.