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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

215 replies

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:28

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 14/04/2023 07:53

How much are you spending on lashes? I dont really believe you can’t afford both from what youve said, you just don’t want to.

My mum was spending double I did on them. Look around for other people, the woman I go to has just started her own lash business after renting a chair for a few years so her prices are lower.

But yes, I suppose it comes down to how much does your partner work? If you’re working equal hours and do equal childcare then the housework needs to be split (cost or task wise). But if one or the other of you does more in other ways, pays most of the other bills etc. then you need to go back and discuss it all properly.

PuddlesPityParty · 14/04/2023 07:54

Sorry just seen you spend money on your SD - yes stop doing that and put that money towards the cleaner. Fairs is fair.

84wood · 14/04/2023 07:58

I had this problem but I was pregnant and DH kept promising to properly clean but didn’t.

I hired a cleaner every other week for 3 hours. We managed to muddle through but I wished I had taken a tough line that he cleaned on the weeks we didn’t have a cleaner. In the end we had one every week and have just increased hours to 4. Had to hire a gardener in the end as well.

I’ve accepted he won’t do a thorough job and I’ve taken his salary to help pay.

it comes down to how much you love your DH. Mine is amazing in so many ways but he’s just not domestic. We’ve worked around it.

RosesAndHellebores · 14/04/2023 08:03

Everything rogersorganismicprocess said.

I don't understand how you got to this point. Did you not agree how things would be at the very beginning?

I met DH nearly 35 years ago when sexism and mysogyny was more rife but even then on the way out. DH was penniless with prospects at the time. I had the house, big job, etc. And a cleaner. Why do something irksome if it isn't enjoyable and you can pay someone else to do it.

DH was crystal clear at the very beginning. He didn't cook, shop or clean. Fortunately, I like cooking and it's my thing. But from day one, he paid for two thirds of the cleaner.

Our relationship and his career developed and when I gave up work, he paid for all the cleaning because he didn't expect me to do it as well as all the childcare, washing, cooking, etc. He always has done the garden, bins, and outdoor paintwork.

It doesn't sound to me that you and your dh are evenly matched or that he has many redeeming features to compensate.

You need to live your own life and not have dc with this man. You will be OK. I feel sorry for the SD but her situation is of his making not yours.

Skybluepinky · 14/04/2023 08:06

Sounds like u rnt a compatible couple.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 14/04/2023 08:10

It's ok to call time on a relationship if it's not working any more no matter how many years you have invested in it.

there's a reason the '7 year itch' is a thing.

its perfectly possible to end a long term relationship in your late 20s/early 30s and still meet someone else and start again.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 14/04/2023 08:11

Stop paying for SD why isn't he paying for her new clothes etc? Then use that money for a cleaner.

Personally I'd end the relationship sounds like he's using you.

MRex · 14/04/2023 08:14

How much do eyelash extensions cost?!?! (Sorry, not relevant to the point just interested in how they can be listed as a high cost item, we spend £250-300 per month on our cleaner!)

Splitting chores tends to work better than moaning that someone needs to do a bit more here and there. So he does all washing up and you do all laundry for example. Trying to split laundry out and do your own sounds like a recipe for disaster as well as higher water and electricity bills; there is no good solution when one leaves clothes in the machine or leaves them wet in a bucket etc. If you're both working full-time though, then you probably do need a cleaner. Even if his wages haven't gone up he presumably works the same hours and hasn't got less busy when you started travelling more.

It goes against the majority, but I would expect the higher earner (you) to put in more money for everything. Either you are a partnership working together and pooling resources, or you aren't and should split.

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 08:14

Thats some selfish lazy loser user who have been skivvy and paying for years.

And his daughter.
Doing their laundry?

Saving for a deposit for this loser to share.

You must not have a scrap of self esteem for your relationship bar to be so low.

What a waste of your life.

strawberry2017 · 14/04/2023 08:16

Stop doing so much for them, stop spending your money on things for his daughter.
Start getting your ducks in a row. He won't change.

Jacopo · 14/04/2023 08:17

He is a cocklodger. And if you buy a house with the money you are saving he will no doubt find a way to get half of it if you split up.
Split up now and you will have far less slaving to do and you will begin to enjoy life again. You don’t need this man.

Jacopo · 14/04/2023 08:17

Oh and please please don’t have children with him.

dig135 · 14/04/2023 08:18

How much are you spending on lashes? I dont really believe you can’t afford both from what youve said, you just don’t want to.

I was going to ask the same question. I pay my cleaner £240 a month, presumably they don't cost that much?

MissLucyLiu · 14/04/2023 08:20

Why isn't he doing any cleaning?

RedRobin100 · 14/04/2023 08:20

A cleaner is a luxury really.

your husband and SD are the problem here, not the lashes or cleaner.
they need to step up.

HistoryFanatic · 14/04/2023 08:26

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:45

Nope I agree with what you’ve said here, when it’s put like that. I guess behaviour on both sides has deteriorated or changed over time.

And yes that is sad to say I know - I’m putting the majority of any “extra” money that isn’t towards essentials / rent etc towards a house deposit, so I think it’s only fair to cut down on luxuries.

Show quote history

If you have enough money to save for a house deposit then you have enough for a cleaner and your eyelashes. It doesn't sound like you are struggling for money. Otherwise go without?

Barbecuebeans · 14/04/2023 08:26

Rosula · 14/04/2023 07:35

Ask him outright why he thinks having a penis makes him, in his opinion, exempt from cooking and cleaning. Don't interrupt his answer, let him try to justify such a sexist and outdate attitude.

He will presumably point to the fact that he does all the washing up when OP cooks; and he will say he doesn't claim to be exempt from cleaning, it's just that he doesn't think the house needs as much cleaning as OP does. And he may have a point in both respects. How often do you vacuum and dust/wipe surfaces etc, OP? How much cleaning does the house realistically need if you are all out of it for most of the time?

One answer should surely be to invest in a dishwasher, and say that he will vacuum at least once a week, do 50% of the cooking including clearing up the kitchen afterwards, and do all his own and his daughter's laundry.

Except that he doesn't.

A decent person doesn't need to be told to do their own washing, or more practical take turns with the laundry, or look after their own child. You can tell the CFs in the workplace or on group holidays. They're the ones that always have a coffee when it's offered but never make a round. On holidays they never offer to cook breakfast or clear up.

Do you really think that the OP has never mentioned that she'd like him to take his turn cleaning? Do you really think it's an original suggestion and she'll just say, of course, that's all I need to do, ask him to vacuum once a week...

Gondala · 14/04/2023 08:27

Have you heard the saying 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. Time to show him the door, he will drag you down.

Brefugee · 14/04/2023 08:28

so instead of depriving yourself of your lash extensions, stop spending money on SDD and useless-Partner?

They don't notice all the extra you do, so stop doing it.

AnotherForumUser · 14/04/2023 08:29

Your partner thinks you should "lower your expectations". OP look what happens when you lower your expectations from a relationship. You get a slobby lazy arsewipe who tells you to put up with his idleness. Start putting yourself first. Your role is not to run around after him and his daughter or to take on all the grunt work. You need to tell him he shapes up or ships out. And mean it. OP you need to raise your expectations where he is concerned.

Barbecuebeans · 14/04/2023 08:29

HistoryFanatic · 14/04/2023 08:26

If you have enough money to save for a house deposit then you have enough for a cleaner and your eyelashes. It doesn't sound like you are struggling for money. Otherwise go without?

Show quote history

Why should she though when she's got another perfectly able adult who won't pull their own weight or help pay for the cleaner? He should either do his fair share of the domestic load or put his hand in his pocket.

AlisonDonut · 14/04/2023 08:31

Do you think it might be worth saying to him 'either you step up or you both move out'?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/04/2023 08:43

When he was saying your standards were too high I thought you would be one of those people who hoovers twice a day and washing towels after each use...but the sum total of his contribution to your joint house is...washing dishes? And any other housework/ laundry is 'having too high standards'?

You know that's laughable right?

I think you sit him down and tell him he does half of all chores and draw up a fair rota or he pays for the entirety of a cleaner.

But even if you can sort the cleaning issue, someone who is willing to take advantage of you to this extent, is inherently lazy and selfish and doesn't value you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

Hoppinggreen · 14/04/2023 08:47

You are a housekeeper with benefits.
Actually it’s worse than that because you pay for the privilege

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 08:50

I bet you live in a two bed for his daughter?

I'd be moving out, get a room somewhere, ramp up your savings and buy your house.

Leave the loser to house, feed and clean up after himself and his child.

You sound like a bright woman.

What on earth are you doing wasting your life paying and skivvying for such a lazy selfish waster.