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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

215 replies

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:28

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
Astorminateacup · 14/04/2023 08:51

HistoryFanatic · 14/04/2023 08:26

If you have enough money to save for a house deposit then you have enough for a cleaner and your eyelashes. It doesn't sound like you are struggling for money. Otherwise go without?

Show quote history

She has money to put aside BECAUSE she is not spending them on a cleaner. That is how savings work, that you dont blow everything, but go without certain things, you surely knw that?

eyerollwiththepunches · 14/04/2023 08:52

Don't buy a house with him, OP. If you absolutely must, let him rent a room from you. But do not buy with him.

VeganStar · 14/04/2023 08:52

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 13/04/2023 22:43

Stop doing their laundry! If he asks why it wasn't done tell him his standards are too high and he should lower them. See how the twat likes it.

Love this

Instructionmanual · 14/04/2023 08:54

You've got yourself a cocklodger and he's using you to physically and financially support his child as well. What a prize.
Sit down with a bit of paper - pros and cons - but only what the pros and cons are for YOU in this relationship. Not for him or his daughter. Evaluate the value of this relationship for you, and consider whether this is the way you want to live your life.
As others have said, don't marry him and don't buy a house with him, definitely don't get pregnant. Imagine the mess if you divorced with a child and a shared house that you're paying more for than him. You need to stop and evaluate the "partnership" before getting more tied in to him.

jessycake · 14/04/2023 09:00

If you are living in a rental a cleaner is probably worth it to keep on top of it , if you ever want to move out it will be much less of a task .

L3ThirtySeven · 14/04/2023 09:01

It’s the principle of the thing really. You don’t have time to be cleaning to a decent standard, and he doesn’t have time either but doesn’t care about living in a pig sty. Unless you have a disorder like OCD, then I always think that the partner with the higher standard is what the whole family should support.

I think he should be contributing to the cost of a cleaner. If he makes about the same as you in pay, he should pay 50%. If your incomes are different, it should be porportional- ie if you make twice what he does, you pay 2/3rds of cleaner or vice versa.

I see he is refusing to contribute which is a bit shit. I’d be tempted to hash it out with him and be firm. I wouldn’t phrase it as an ultimatum, but I think it would be fair for you to say you can’t live like this in a house this dirty, and it needs to change or you’re not sure how long you’d stay living there as it’s really affecting your mental health and stressing you out to live in dirty, cluttered surroundings. You can point out that even if he doesn’t care, it’s best for his DD to be in a clean and tidy home and surely he’d want to contribute to that? Have the prices of cleaners…he may not realise how reasonable it can cost and is envisioning several hundred pounds a month flying out the window during a cost of living crisis.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/04/2023 09:10

Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations.

Keep the standards & expectations. Lose the partner.

I know that sounds glib, but the level of disrespect so many men show women over this issue needs paying attention to. This is just the indicator of a far more deep seated lack of respect & ability to perceive you as an autonomous adult with an equal say in how you live.

I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.
So he gets a live-in housekeeper, help with childcare, reduced living costs AND you pay toward his child's expenses.
What's in it for you?
Really - what does he do for you, apart from expect you to be his uncomplaining helpmeet?

KettrickenSmiled · 14/04/2023 09:11

VeganStar · 14/04/2023 08:52

Love this

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😂👏

Naunet · 14/04/2023 09:17

Well I can see what he’s getting from this relationship, a skivvy, free childcare, his child financially subsidised and a cook who will even have sex with him. What does he add to your life? Why do you feel the need to do so much for him and his daughter?

Shinyandnew1 · 14/04/2023 09:17

If they didn’t live with you, would you have a lot less cleaning/washing to do?…

What does he pay towards the house/bills/food?
And whose house is it?

Pipsquiggle · 14/04/2023 09:17

I would give up a lot of luxuries before I gave up my cleaner.

I know we are very lucky to be able to afford one, however, paying someone to regularly clean also stops the bickering at the weekend / evening of who is doing what, how much DH does vs me debate etc.

We both work full time, have DC and get decently paid. We've had a cleaner for most of the time we've lived together (even when we were renting, pre-DC). Our cleaner gives us time back, which we both appreciate.

Time to get the spreadsheet out and look at how your finances are being used and if you can afford a cleaner.

On the wage disparity - my DH earns a lot more than me. He's had multiple big promotions / pay increases. I am probably not going to get another big promotion but I work hard and do the majority of school pick ups / child care - this works for us. We both contribute to mortgage and bills proportionately to what we earn e.g. my DH pays 66% and I pay 33%.

YouJustDoYou · 14/04/2023 09:20

Living together isn't going to work - his standards are hugely below yours and yet again we have another man who won't really lift a finger. You have two children you are looking after, not just the SD. I agree with the pp who said live apart and "date" if you want, but imagine living on your own and having a lovely, clean home you get to come back to when it's just you you have to look after. Bliss.

Schnooze · 14/04/2023 09:26

Ask someone objectively if your standards are high. My dp has higher standards than me and might have described the house as dirty. It isn’t though. After arguments in our early relationship, I have learnt to just let him crack on now if he wants to do some things. I refuse to feel guilty when it’s him that has higher standards than most of the general population.

If he really is sloppy though then I’d spend the time doing the cleaning but stop doing his and dsc laundry, and doing 100% of all the cooking, to compensate.

Sandra1984 · 14/04/2023 09:31

You guys have different cleaning standards, he’s fine with dirty but you’re not. You’re going to have to choose between a cleaner and eyelash extension. You can’t have your cake and eat it, you can’t have the happy partner, the eyelashes the cleaner and the spotless house I’m afraid so you need to pick your priorities carefully here.

Naunet · 14/04/2023 09:39

Sandra1984 · 14/04/2023 09:31

You guys have different cleaning standards, he’s fine with dirty but you’re not. You’re going to have to choose between a cleaner and eyelash extension. You can’t have your cake and eat it, you can’t have the happy partner, the eyelashes the cleaner and the spotless house I’m afraid so you need to pick your priorities carefully here.

Or she could just kick the lazy leach out, because he has made his priorities clear, and that’s having someone skivvy for him and fund his daughter.

Barbecuebeans · 14/04/2023 09:43

Sandra1984 · 14/04/2023 09:31

You guys have different cleaning standards, he’s fine with dirty but you’re not. You’re going to have to choose between a cleaner and eyelash extension. You can’t have your cake and eat it, you can’t have the happy partner, the eyelashes the cleaner and the spotless house I’m afraid so you need to pick your priorities carefully here.

So she can't have her cake and eat it but he can? Why is that?

EyesOnThePies · 14/04/2023 09:43

So concentrate on the cleaning that matters to you and leave his (incl DSD) laundry for him to do.

EyesOnThePies · 14/04/2023 09:44

P.S and whatever else you do, get a dishwasher.

Clymene · 14/04/2023 09:45

What does he bring to the party? He's lazy, dirty and lacks ambition.

Invadersmustdie · 14/04/2023 09:47

I need to stop reading threads on this website. What women tolerate in their desperation for a man just blows my fucking mind.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2023 09:51

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:45

Nope I agree with what you’ve said here, when it’s put like that. I guess behaviour on both sides has deteriorated or changed over time.

And yes that is sad to say I know - I’m putting the majority of any “extra” money that isn’t towards essentials / rent etc towards a house deposit, so I think it’s only fair to cut down on luxuries.

Show quote history

A house with him or of your own?

You have to be the change yo u want to see in the world. So any time you take up doing his and his daughters washing, redirect that. You don't have time to do it now, because you're spending that time trying to get the basics done. Same for tidying her room / his mess etc.
Oh and you can't afford to keep buying his daughter clothes and toys, because you're having to pay for a cleaner because he wants to live in a shit tip

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2023 09:53

After everything you've achieved, it's very sad that your standards are so low as to stay with with man. Get the fuck rid of him.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2023 09:55

Invadersmustdie · 14/04/2023 09:47

I need to stop reading threads on this website. What women tolerate in their desperation for a man just blows my fucking mind.

I agree. It's absolutely astounding and very, very depressing.

jannier · 14/04/2023 09:59

Stop buying his stuff he has his own money I'd also be telling him to be responsible for more like his laundry if he can't be arsed to do it that's his problem.

Sandra1984 · 14/04/2023 10:09

Naunet · 14/04/2023 09:39

Or she could just kick the lazy leach out, because he has made his priorities clear, and that’s having someone skivvy for him and fund his daughter.

Show quote history

Yes she can also kick him out, all depends on her priorities, is what he brings to her table worthwhile of putting up with a dirty home? Again, if being dirty is his ONLY
flaw and he’s an amazing guy I would just hire a cleaner and pay
from my pocket end of. staying with this man would depend on what he brings to my table., sometimes the inner peace of coming back to a clean home is more important than coming back home to a partner.