Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

215 replies

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:28

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 14/04/2023 04:02

I think you need to raise not lower your expectations.

Why are you prioritising him over you? Is he really the right partner for you? Why on earth are you doing his child’s laundry and all the cooking? Time to do some thinking. I would not buy a house with this man.

In the meantime, point out to him that given you spend money on your stepdaughter yes he is paying half of the cleaner.

I’m pretty sure you can afford your eyelashes and a cleaner, and I don’t think not affording them is going to do you any good.

user1492757084 · 14/04/2023 04:25

Spend your time doing cleaning that really matters to you and looking after yourself. Shop for food but ask DH to cook a couple of days per week.
Stop doing any chores for the DH and SD but insist that SDs clothes are clean and her room is vaccumed etc.. You will have to train him becaue to date he has had you, the Claning Fairy, flitting about behind the scenes.
Reassess the need for a cleaner once your husband regularly contributes.

Billybagpuss · 14/04/2023 04:38

If he didn’t live with you you’d probably find you didn’t need a cleaner anyway.

Billybagpuss · 14/04/2023 04:40

Or get a cleaner but fund it from what you’ve been contributing to his and his dd clothes

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 14/04/2023 04:46

Billybagpuss · 14/04/2023 04:38

If he didn’t live with you you’d probably find you didn’t need a cleaner anyway.

Totally agree with this. I think many women do not realise that life can be much easier without a lazy partner than with one.

Find your space, check your finances, you are better off without him. Your levels of ambition and expectations are mismatched too, leaving would give you the opportunity to find someone who can be a team player and understands you better.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 14/04/2023 04:58

When someone tells you who you are, believe them.

He is telling you you are not compatible in terms of future prospects, standards of living, equality in terms of financial contribution and physical effort.

He is happy for you to be the adult and support his lifestyle.

That way resentment lies. For you both.

You cannot change the way someone thinks or behaves. The only thing you can change is how you respond.

Stop carrying him and his child, meet him half way and no more. If he can’t/won’t come that far, free yourself from the burden. Live your life how you want to live it, it sounds like you have worked damn hard to get what you have. We are here for such a short time do not waste your life dragging two other people along with you.

Eviebeans · 14/04/2023 05:10

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:45

Nope I agree with what you’ve said here, when it’s put like that. I guess behaviour on both sides has deteriorated or changed over time.

And yes that is sad to say I know - I’m putting the majority of any “extra” money that isn’t towards essentials / rent etc towards a house deposit, so I think it’s only fair to cut down on luxuries.

Show quote history

When you mention putting spare money towards a house deposit would this house be just for you?

StylishM · 14/04/2023 06:00

You cook, washes up - seems ok.

Who does the following;

  • cleaning the bathroom(s)
  • keeping kitchen surfaces/fridge/sinks clean
  • hoovering/mopping floors
  • dusting
  • cleaning windows inside/outside
  • putting away clutter/Nicknaks
  • cleaning out cupboards/storage spaces
  • change bedding
  • household paperwork
  • life admin like appointments and home maintenance
  • clothes washing/drying
  • clothes ironing
  • clothes away
  • any pet related chores
  • gardening/mowing lawn
  • washing UPVC
  • cleaning car(s)

To me, SD is old enough to contribute at 12, and this list should be divided up between 3 of you. As a household of 3 with an older SD, I can't see how you need a cleaner, myself and DH both work FT with 3 DC under 10 and we tag team the above chores & DC are expected to help from an early age & get pocket money for doing so. You need to discuss the above and if you're ultimately wanting to stay in the relationship if this isn't surmountable

Sausagerolex · 14/04/2023 06:12

Your relationship has more issues than the grime that’s building up.

He doesn’t respect you or the house labour that you do and not only is he not contrite and pulling his socks up when it’s pointed out he is rudely telling you to live in a shit hole instead.

Being generous- maybe he doesn’t realise how much you are doing and thinks you are slaving away for no reason.
Being honest -he’s lazy and doesn’t respect you or the effort you make to keep the house ticking over. it suits him to sit back whilst you do it all and he’s also prepared to live in a dirty mess rather than pay someone else to do it if you won’t.

The clean house clearly matters to you but also the respect and appreciation should.

Id say you either move out and let him live in a mess and do his own house work.

Or you keep cleaning the house or pay for a cleaner because you care about living in a nice environment but you totally withdraw any work that isn’t benefitting you directly- no cooking or washing for him or SD (Altho tricky to see the SD suffer if he doesn’t step it up) and also no spending money on either of them at all. No treats or clothes etc. No putting extra toward things or ensuring he has what he needs. No shopping for his extras etc.

It’s a sorry way to live though imho and I think I’d have to evaluate whether I wanted to be with someone who had those standards and so little care about my own happiness.

RJnomore1 · 14/04/2023 06:34

Are you worried he will leave you or kick off if you stop subsidising his entirely unaffordable by him lifestyle to start spending your own money (and time) on the things that matter to you?

What are you actually getting out of the relationship except added expenses, extra work and ingratitude?

Willowtre1 · 14/04/2023 06:55

The issue isn't should you be able to afford a cleaner, it's why you need one. If you lived alone or with an equal partner you probably wouldn't need one. Alone you would manage things to your standards, with a respectful partner you would find a way that meets most of both your needs/standards. I think he is a user and agree you aren't compatible. Do you really love and respect him? You deserve more than he is prepared to give

rainbowstardrops · 14/04/2023 07:19

I'd have to have this out with him once and for all. He doesn't get to coast along while you're run ragged.
As others have said, your home wouldn't be messy and dirty if he wasn't in it. This is not an equal partnership.
If you don't address this now, this will be your life. I wouldn't want that.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 14/04/2023 07:20

Get rid of him. Do not put your saved house deposit into a house with him. Don’t let him benefit from your hard graft.

He’s a lazy shit. You sound like you’re going places.

MultipleVeganPies · 14/04/2023 07:22

Listen to the Paris Paloma song “Labour” and get angry

this man is not a catch

Babelfishfingers · 14/04/2023 07:22

eyelash extensions?

anyolddinosaur · 14/04/2023 07:31

Make yourself into a doormat and people walk over you.

Your partner is not a partner, he's a cocklodger. Save your deposit and move on without him.

Hubblebubble · 14/04/2023 07:32

Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing his daughters laundry. Get the cleaner. Find a way to still get your lashes done.

Rosula · 14/04/2023 07:35

Ask him outright why he thinks having a penis makes him, in his opinion, exempt from cooking and cleaning. Don't interrupt his answer, let him try to justify such a sexist and outdate attitude.

He will presumably point to the fact that he does all the washing up when OP cooks; and he will say he doesn't claim to be exempt from cleaning, it's just that he doesn't think the house needs as much cleaning as OP does. And he may have a point in both respects. How often do you vacuum and dust/wipe surfaces etc, OP? How much cleaning does the house realistically need if you are all out of it for most of the time?

One answer should surely be to invest in a dishwasher, and say that he will vacuum at least once a week, do 50% of the cooking including clearing up the kitchen afterwards, and do all his own and his daughter's laundry.

niugboo · 14/04/2023 07:39

You’re fighting over what is basically pennies. This relationship sounds grim.

AgnesX · 14/04/2023 07:40

Another vote for reviewing your life in general with this man, who comes across as being someone who jogs along, quite content with the status quo.

Sometimes, that not such a bad thing, but.....are you? If it's not cleaning, something else will come along.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 14/04/2023 07:41

Your partner needs to be doing his share in the house, but if he genuinely doesn't mind living with a lower standard of cleanliness and tidiness I don't think he should feel obliged to pay for a cleaner to meet a standard he doesn't care about.

TheHoover · 14/04/2023 07:44

his choices are

  1. pitch in with the cleaning
  2. Accept that you are getting a cleaner (even if this means cutting back on what you spend on his DD)
  3. you carrying on doing it all, resenting him more and more then ultimately leaving

men with ‘lower your standards’ attitudes need to just fuck off and live on their own in squalour.

FL0 · 14/04/2023 07:46

What @FOJN said. getting a cleaner / dishwasher / making chores lists will only make things worse.

He won’t do anything at all because “ that’s the cleaner’s job”.

He won’t do anything that’s not on his list, and it’s very hard to cover everything . You will still be the default cleaner.

He will delay or default on all his chores and make out that you are “nagging” him.

SD will hate you if you try to make her do any chores. She will complain to her father and they will talk about what a controlling bitch you are.

You will get even more stressed because you will have to tidy the house each time before the cleaner come.

You will become more resentful because you are still doing 90% of everything .

The house will still be a mess.

Just short circuit this and accept that you are not compatible . You want different things in life .

You want a career, to buy your own place, to have it nice and have a mutually respectful relationship.

he wants a free housekeeper and nanny who pays more than half the bills.

Eviebeans · 14/04/2023 07:50

take a breath and think
it feels like you’ve taken on the role of parent to a teenage boy
in relationship terms I hate to ask what’s in it for you but sometimes that’s a valid question

Eviebeans · 14/04/2023 07:51

Who pays the rent where you are currently living