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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

215 replies

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:28

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:30

Sorry just to clarify, I meant my partners daughter (who is my step daughter). I’m very tired if you can’t tell!

OP posts:
brunettemic · 13/04/2023 22:33

Neither you or your partner are willing to compromise, maybe you just need to have the argument with him and thrash it out otherwise it will be something else and then something else…bit rank he lets it get dirty though!

gamerchick · 13/04/2023 22:34

Maybe putting him before yourself has been the downfall?

Stop putting them first. Tell him that you don't want to live on a shithole and he either pulls his finger out or he can get his own house where he can surround himself with as much dirt as he wants.

Lower your expectations indeed.

cocksstrideintheevening · 13/04/2023 22:35

What housework does he do? Are you paying for SD?

Flyfodder · 13/04/2023 22:36

Yep. Stop putting him first. Re-evaluate your relationship. Maybe on balance he's having an easy ride and you'd be better off without him?

SunshineGeorgie · 13/04/2023 22:36

So your degree and all your promotions don't leave you enough money to pay for both lashes AND a cleaner??

LittleOwl153 · 13/04/2023 22:38

Do not give up your one luxury. If he won't pay he can do the damn work or cover the cost of other things he's raken for granted. Stop paying for the step daughter and his clothes that's his cost. If he can afford it HE can up his income or up his own housework. Lazy slob.

Original poster
Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:38

When I cook (which is most nights) he will wash the dishes. Any other meals like breakfast etc we are expected to wash ourselves. I do all other housework - even his and step daughters laundry. And no child support to SD’s mum - unless you mean if I pay for things for her which I do (food, clothes, toys etc).

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 22:38

Start putting yourself first. Do an experiment - for one month spend no money on him or his daughter. You might see that you've been taken for a mug!

SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 22:39

And definitely stop spending your time on chores for them - like the laundry!!

Ragwort · 13/04/2023 22:40

Why do you stay with him? Who's house is it? You are clearly not compatible so leave ... you can 'date' if you want to but I would not want to live with someone who's housekeeping standards were so different to mine ... why have you put up with this for seven years?

Although I find this a slightly odd post .. you have a successful career, decent qualifications yet your 'only' luxury in life is eyelash extensions? Hmm

Original poster
Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:41

SunshineGeorgie · 13/04/2023 22:36

So your degree and all your promotions don't leave you enough money to pay for both lashes AND a cleaner??

Yes I suppose that’s a fair point, in the grand scheme of things I could probably afford to pay for both and just suck it up. It feels awful to say given the COL crisis but I guess we’re British and hate talking money!

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 13/04/2023 22:42

Stop wasting your time doing chores for him that don't affect you - laundry for one. Gain your time back that way.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 13/04/2023 22:43

Stop doing their laundry! If he asks why it wasn't done tell him his standards are too high and he should lower them. See how the twat likes it.

Precipice · 13/04/2023 22:43

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:38

When I cook (which is most nights) he will wash the dishes. Any other meals like breakfast etc we are expected to wash ourselves. I do all other housework - even his and step daughters laundry. And no child support to SD’s mum - unless you mean if I pay for things for her which I do (food, clothes, toys etc).

This is ridiculous. Shared laundry is fine and in many cases makes more sense, as it's faster to fill out a wash of a particular colour grouping (though again, no reason it should be done just by you). But general cleaning should be shared between you.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/04/2023 22:44

Well, life/ work changes like this often bring to forefront the inequality in relationship. It may feel unpleasant at the moment, but perhaps with time you’ll appreciate the information that he’s not compatible with you anymore. Sounds like he had a good ride up till now and didn't have to pull his weight. Only you know if you’re happy with this imbalance in the relationship and for how long.

monsteramunch · 13/04/2023 22:45

I do all other housework - even his and step daughters laundry. And no child support to SD’s mum - unless you mean if I pay for things for her which I do (food, clothes, toys etc)

Based on your username you're around 30 years old.

And you're for some reason assuming the role of a housewife and working full time, rather than working full time and sharing the chores fairly between adults.

There's different standards and there's you doing all the housework. It's madness!

Ask him outright why he thinks having a penis makes him, in his opinion, exempt from cooking and cleaning. Don't interrupt his answer, let him try to justify such a sexist and outdate attitude. Also ask him if he's happy to be teaching his own daughter than when she gets in a relationship, even if she also works full time, it's her responsibility to cook and clean for the whole household. For her partner to be happy letting her do that just because she has a vagina and he has a penis.

And (sorry as I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm having a go), ask yourself why you think those things too. Because on some level you've decided it is acceptable or you wouldn't have started to, or continued to do it.

SweetSakura · 13/04/2023 22:45

Why are you doing their laundry?

And what does he bring to the relationship, or is it all give from you and take from him

If it is you with excessively high standards I think you should pay however. If it's just basic cleanliness then you should share the costs

Original poster
Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:45

Ragwort · 13/04/2023 22:40

Why do you stay with him? Who's house is it? You are clearly not compatible so leave ... you can 'date' if you want to but I would not want to live with someone who's housekeeping standards were so different to mine ... why have you put up with this for seven years?

Although I find this a slightly odd post .. you have a successful career, decent qualifications yet your 'only' luxury in life is eyelash extensions? Hmm

Nope I agree with what you’ve said here, when it’s put like that. I guess behaviour on both sides has deteriorated or changed over time.

And yes that is sad to say I know - I’m putting the majority of any “extra” money that isn’t towards essentials / rent etc towards a house deposit, so I think it’s only fair to cut down on luxuries.

OP posts:
MyMNprofile · 13/04/2023 22:48

How old is your SD? Is her being with you 50% of the time a new arrangement? If he’s not prepared to help you either do the cleaning or pay for a cleaner you need to insist he steps up for his daughter and at least covers her costs so you’re not out of pocket.

Tomorrowisagesaway · 13/04/2023 22:48

I agree with PP - living together isn't working, so separate homes while dating seems like a good idea, to see if this relationship is still working for you.

He's I gnoring your reasonable request to clean up after himself and his daughter, so not prioritising your happiness or your relationship.

I don't know why you put your partner and his child first when buying new clothes etc- it does sound like you're letting him take advantage of you, what are you getting out of this relationship.

Ragwort · 13/04/2023 22:48

I sincerely hope you are not saving for a deposit to buy a house with this man?

PriamFarrl · 13/04/2023 22:48

How do you split other bills? We’ve added paying the cleaner to our other bills so it’s covered that way. We both pay into a bills account and the payment comes out of that.

QueenCamilla · 13/04/2023 22:50

How much does he work?
Maybe you DO need a cleaner! As in - is there time for it?

Whatisthisanyidea · 13/04/2023 22:53

Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations

Id agree with him, you do have
low standards when it comes to your choice of partner.

Make a plan

  • look at finances - how fair are they? Do you have a joint account for bills? Is he paying equally towards his share of everything
  • stop buying the child things. If she needs stuff he needs to pay.
  • Stop doing his share of the chores, and tell him he isn’t ‘helping’ you he’s sharing the chores like an adult.
  • Then tell him that if things continue - you’re out - and then he’ll have to do all the housework and childcare
no idea how bullet points got in there

Stop being a mug and mean what you say.