To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

[Beachyrain94]

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

Well I could say can you get the lashes done less often and that we pay for a cleaner for two hours every other week and it's £50 a month.

But it's not really about the cleaner it's the unequal relationship. If he doesn't want to pay towards the cleaning he needs to do more. By rights he should pay for all of the cleaner because it covers his share of the mess.

You could also easily pay his share by making sure he pays for his own daughters food and clothing.

I don't get quite where this relationship is going if you are live a major part of your life with his child but are buying a home in your name only. You are on different pages, going different places and outgrowing him. If you are having a complete stand off over cleaning money that's not a healthy relationship.

Im a complete mess when it comes to the house and work a crazy amount and my wife is disabled and obsessed with cleaning. She's unable to leave a mess sit for a minute. I pay for all the cleaning costs as its me not pulling my weight and her trying to do too much makes her in pain and exhausted. She'd rightly be super peed off if I made her pay because she's the one complaining when it's mostly my mess (I also pay because she hates having a cleaner and wants to do it herself 🤣).

@Silentmama - no, I don't..... I quoted a previous poster (hence the 'bold') and put the shocked face to show how stunned I was at the amount.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

So pay for 50% cleaning and your partner and SD can cover the rest with their time!
Or at least stop doing their stuff….

So your friends have all told you he's a waste of human skin, pretty much everyone on this board has too and you want to chat with him about how he can help with chores? He sounds like a text book cocklodger. Gosh, I hope he's a god in the bedroom.

Sorry, I thought your shocked face - probably meant it wasn't you ( couldn't face reading all the thread) - but I was equally shocked!

Chuck him in the bin and that'll decrease your workload and expenses drastically

You had me until eyelash extensions… get the cleaner and save your sanity.

I’d go with the above advice for paying for it.

You need to raise your expectations, not lower them!

You've put a lot of effort into improving your professional skills and career prospects. Congratulations on those accomplishments.

Now it's time to devote the same care and attention to choosing a healthy relationship with an equal partner. There's a reason this one was available. Stop doing his parenting for him; stop being his cook, cleaner, housekeeper and sex doll. Absolutely do not pregnant with him - he won't change, this is who he is. Aim higher. Promote yourself to a better relationship with a more capable and caring partner.

I agree with most that you should get rid. He’s really shown you who you are. I guarantee if you were living on your own that your house would be tidier & easier to keep on top of. I notice more tidying & vacuuming etc needs doing when dcs home from uni.

Also what’s he like when you feel unwell or a bit low? That’s when I knew I had a keeper with dh.

What have I just read?! So you are basically their maid? Why?!

Why would that shock people? Our cleaner comes 3 hours a week. It’s about £200/month and at £15/hour the rate is toward the lower end you’d expect to pay. We have been debating making it 4 hours so there is more time for deep cleaning a room a week on a cycle and that would easily bring it to that sort of cost. It’s 100% worth it if you dislike cleaning

OP honestly if he can’t see it’s unacceptable he does nothing pretty much immediately once you’ve made a list and shown him what you each do in the house then your choices are to accept that’s how he is and not get riled by it or to split. Only you know if he has redeeming features that make up for his bad ones. We don’t do half of everything each but we try to have a fair split overall. I do shopping/cooking, OH does laundry/bin emptying/finances. He does drop offs for kids and I do pick ups. We share tidying/washing up and usually blitz it together as a family for 15 mins before the kids head to bed. You are meant to be a team. How you split things will vary by couple but unless you’ve agreed one of you will be the housewife there is no way the contribution of washing the dishes is reasonable for an adult. My six and eight year old do that much around the house.

Having had a cleaner recently when I upped my hours at work, it doesn't reduce the workload of running a household as much as you'd think. Ours came 8-10 hours a month (ie £150ish a month.)

Cleaners don't sort home insurance, do laundry, order school shoes, cook the evening meals.

Cleaners are a great help and it's a respectable job, but it won't solve all your problems. LTB might go much further to doing that. He doesn't share your values of a clean home with a fair - or at least fairish - split.

The plan in your update is not “too harsh” it’s actually not tough enough. He’s got a housekeeper, cleaner and childcare for free, what have you got? You’ve wasted 7 years of income time and money on a man who doesn’t lift a finger.
Don’t lower your expectations of a clean house, raise your expectations of a partner. He will never work around the house he sees that as your job.

The reason you have not had discussions about money is not because you’re British it’s because you’re meek and naive. Stop putting them first. Think about yourself and your future.

OP explained this, she hasnt realised what was going on, as it often happens to be the case. You dont need to have a go at her for that. Good that she realises now!

What did he say to the dividing of jobs?

So you’re either his housekeeper, or you pay for one. Right oh.

What a charmer.

Thinking about if I would simply deduct the cost of a cleaner from the rent you pay him.

That you’ve been paying rent for the benefit of being a household skivvy (think how much all your chores would up to if he’d had to pay someone to do them), beggars belief frankly.

Well stop it then. Stop being a mug.

He's an arse.

How are you splitting the rent and bills etc?

If your DSC is there 50% of the time then surely your DP should be covering that - if you're splitting things 50/50 currently then he should increase the amount he pays for rent and bills to cover his DSC then that should pay for the cleaner.

I'd consider relocating myself nearer to current job, and not necessarily with partner and SD.

It doesn't sound harsh at all, @Beachyrain94 - it sounds sensible. I think doing a budget, and eliminating the extras you buy for him and his dd should free up the money you need to pay for a cleaner and still allow you your one luxury - I certainly hope so.

I also agree with the posters who have suggested you stop doing chores for him and his dd - I assume he knows where the washing machine and iron are - time he learned to use them!

Why are you putting this man's daughter before yourself for clothes etc? She's not your responsibility, she's his. When my ex moved in with his (now) wife, she was in charge of finances and he was given £200 a month out of his wage for "non-essentials" (another story), but any clothes/treats which needed buying for our daughter came out of that money. If he took our daughter out for the day, he paid. Not a single penny of his partner's money was spent on our daughter. And she was only there every other weekend!

Why should OP pay for a cleaner to clean someone else’s house?