To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

[Beachyrain94]

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

He’s got it made, hasn’t he?

Dump him and fine someone who values you more than the cook and cleaner and launderer for his daughter,

It's not even about cleaning or choosing your luxury - it's about him being an equal partner.

If it matters to you (cleaning standards) it's important. You might not end up at the same place but you can make a decision together.

I would love to leave the cleaning and cooking to someone else (it's boring and I'd rather do something else) but I don't because I'm an adult and grown up who cares about my partner, likes things nice and looks after my home and family.

Long term this neglect of you is going to kill the feelings you have for him. Don't dismiss this as insignificant or "it's easier if I do it", it does matter and every time he lets you down more and more resentment will creep in

@Sandra1984

yeah she needs to forego her eyelashes treat doesn’t she
so frivolous when she could be making her partner happy

It's very unreasonable of you (in fact totally insane) to have ever allowed DP and SD to treat you as their domestic servant. Its even worse that you now have to pay for your replacement. Just don't.

Stop cleaning, tidying, , changing beds, washing their clothes, shopping for food and cooking it, cleaning up after meals. Buy yourself a substantial lunch at work every day ; and a sandwich, a magazine and a bottle of wine.
Eat the sandwich on the way home from work; then flop down on the sofa with magazine and wine until you're ready for bed.
If they mention dinner, just shrug and say " I'm not hungry thanks."

@Beachyrain94

this op! What’s stopping you?!

I hope the money you're saving for a house deposit is in your own bank account and not a joint one

She needs to decide what’s more important for her the eyelashes or the partner. Only her can answer that. If my partner told me to play for a cleaner when I’m perfectly fine with living in a dirty place I would tell him to feck off.

@Sandra1984

lol

in OP’s case id choose the eyelashes! Every time.

Me too probably 🤣

Sorry I haven’t had the time to read all comments but if you don’t want to take the drastic route of leaving him (which lots of people have suggested!) and want to try to improve things first, I would make a list of ALL the household jobs in the week,
putting bins out, replacing bin bag, cleaning bathroom, hanging up wet washing, putting it away, cooking etc etc and discuss what you like / don’t like doing and put your name against it on a list and roughly when you’ll do the jobs each week.
Eg I hate cooking but don’t mind washing up, he hates emptying the bin. Also add in food shopping / admin such as bill paying.
you both need to reach a compromise. If he works at home maybe you sort the washing out and put in the machine in the morning, he hangs up in the day and then you each put your own washing away in the evening Etc. You need a plan and your own jobs or it sounds like he’s never going to do anything. If I ask my partner to generally contribute he’s clueless..

Just to add, we got a cleaner to try to resolve the same issues you had but it ended up being a lot of work, frantically sorting the house out the night before / the morning they got here and it was stressful with 2 small children in tow. Again, apparently I had too high standards that I wanted the house tidy before they arrived etc

This reminds me very much of the post last week, where the poster was doing everything around the house and paying for the bulk of things (I cant for the life of me remember the title though). I think in both cases the man lacks any ambition, and I think over time your situation will become more and more like the other posters (all be it there was no child involved).

You are working hard to get promotions, saving hard and looking at cutting back in one area so you can afford a cleaner to pick up this mans slack whilst you continue to save for a house together. He hides behind the fact that tasks don't bother him- which is a lie- he would be bothered if dinner wasnt cooked, laundry wasnt done etc.

All I would say is if you dont want to leave him, fine. But make sure the savings are in your account, not a joint, and if you buy somewhere make sure your side of things is protected. Because two or three years down the line you will be ground down just like the OP on the other thread

Dear God, not another one!

Bin him! He’s taking the piss out of you.

Ok so you financially contribute to his and his daughter's clothes and food. Does he subsidise you in any way to balance that out?

Based on what you have written he sounds like an entitled knob but to make a proper judgement on who should pay for the cleaner you'd need to look at it in the context of how the bills in general are split.

Morning all, and thankyou so much for all of the replies, even those harshly worded ones. It just helps to put things into perspective a little! I was definitely expecting a mixed bag in terms of views but I’m grateful just to get a wider perspective. The friends I have spoken to are (fortunately for them) not in the same situation and have fairly equal splits of responsibility so they have also been on the side of those mentioning I should just cut my losses and move on…

To all replies mentioning about saving for a house, I would be buying & on the mortgage by myself (hence it taking a hell of a long time to save up for). Also for those asking about eyelash expenditure - it works out at £40 per infill which is every 2-3 weeks. I appreciate that this is much less than what I’d be paying a cleaner, but absorbing the whole cost by myself (likely £200 p/m which seems to be in line with other posters have commented) would definitely mean I need to either stop the eyelashes or really stretch out the infills.

In terms of moving forward, I think I’m going to look at making a list of all the jobs we do (for myself at this point to clarify things) and working out how it’s split. I’m going to also have a discussion with DP tonight to see how he feels about the divvying up of jobs. Wish me luck……

What about people's advice to stop subsidising him and his daughter OP?

Please - see what we're all seeing - you're being taken for a mug. He's been taking advantage of you financially as well as using you as a skivvy for himself and his daughter.

Ah well 🤷🏻‍♀️.

When you won't take the advice of real life friends who care about you to lose the loser, I suppose it's unlikely you'll listen to MN posters.

Good luck.

You are definitely going to need it.🙄

Its not luck you need.

OP, I also wanted to add that getting a cleaner every other week (FYI ours was £16 an hour so £48 a go) didn’t solve a lot of our issues or arguments around the unfairness in the contribution to the running of the household.

A one-off clean of the bathroom or hoovering I don’t mind, but doing All the washing every single day, food shopping, most of the cooking, daily hoover where needed in kitchen etc, putting things away, cleaning toilets, emptying dishwasher,emptying bins, cleaning up bathroom after bathtime, playroom etc could not be fixed by having a cleaner!

This is definitely something I’m going to stop doing now too, starting today. I genuinely hadn’t really thought too much about it until I’d read these comments, but a pair of trainers, a few hoodies etc here and there really do add up. I’m also going to be specifically doing a food shop online from now on to be delivered and let DP sort whatever else he and SD may need for lunches etc for himself if he can’t be bothered to add it onto the online shop (like come on, all he needs to do is click a button on the app!!!) I know it seems harsh but I think it’s time to take a stand.

OPs priority should be to bin the fecker. I'd chose extentions abd the cleaner.

Sounds like a good start.

Be prepared for pushback and being called mean and spiteful. He will not like you setting boundaries.

Do not marry this man or put him on the mortgage, even if he offers to make a nominal contribution.

I am pleased to hear you are going to stop subsidising him and his daughter. It is madness you are talking about cutting back on spending on yourself to pay for a cleaner, not cutting back on spending on him and his child.

Work out what is a fair division of household tasks when you have your chat- and remember that is the fair split- it then doesnt become a negotiation so you still end up doing more. Good luck

The danger here is that as soon as you start going down the tit for tat road you actually become apposing forces. A marriage should be teamwork.
Without seeing your home it's hard to judge if you're being over picky or he's a slob, but the thing is you have different standards and priorities.
In your situation I would expect him to be paying at the very least 50% of household expenses. If he's not bothered about the cleaning how about suggesting a 'housekeeper' instead to do laundry/ironing. You split the other chores 50/50 and if you chose to do 'extra' cleaning because of your high standards, that's on you. Of course you'll find that actually you don't need the laundry service (because you'll do your own) so over time your housekeeper will end up doing other jobs instead. He will of course foot half the bill (at least) but if he wants to cancel and do his own that's up to him.

Good luck with your discussion.

OP: far more important than the cost of eyelashes do not marry this man or put his name on the deeds or the mortgage unless he is paying at least half (at least, given that he needs space for his DD). If you buy together (on the aforesaid 50/50 basis) think very carefully about how you buy. If he is able to put in a minor share, but as Tenants In Common and ringfence your % ownership of the property. Not your cash input - because that will increase in value - the %.

Whatever else his strengths, he has shown himself abale to let you do the heavy lifting in terms of earning and household work. Don't lt him do the same over your most important asset and security.