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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be frustrated at having to give up my one luxury to pay for a cleaner?

215 replies

Beachyrain94 · 13/04/2023 22:28

Just as a bit of background - I’ve been with my partner in the same house for nearly 7 years. In this time I’ve completed a masters degree, had 2 new jobs and between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises). My most recent job move has me in the office (45 min each way commute) at least 3 days a week plus days where I have “on site” meetings over an hour away. Despite the time passing, partner is still in the same job, with no financial changes. Partners step daughter is also with us 50% of the time.

To cut a long story short, I had never really realised until recently how much extra work I’d been putting in at home (the usual, cleaning, cooking, tidying, washing etc.) until I’d started this new job and been spending more time out of the house. I’ve also never realised how different both mine and my partners acceptance levels are for being tidy and cleaning. This has led to numerous arguments about how I feel my partner should be doing more to help around the house now that I’m not at home as much and have less free time to do housework.

We have now got to the point where I feel I need help as I’m really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning (the house is actually dirty, not just untidy) and want to hire a cleaner to help out. Partner says my standards are too high and he refuses to put money towards the cleaner and I should lower my expectations. I’d happily pay half but feel it’s unfair (and expensive) to pay for this on my own. If I did, I would more than likely need to forgo the eyelash extensions that are my one treat every month to recoup the cost. I’m not frivolous with money, and always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
FOJN · 13/04/2023 22:56

You have worked hard to improve your career prospects and are saving towards a deposit. He has not advanced in his career and has his daughter 50% of the time but doesn't cook for her or you and doesn't even do her laundry. You have very different expectations about standards of housekeeping and he is not willing to make a financial contribution to cover for the housework he doesn't think is his job.

If you buy a house and have children with this man you will resent him before too long. Seven years may seem like a long time but it's not as long as the rest of your life, is this how you want it to be forever? He has told you he's not going to compromise, you should make a decision about your future with that information in mind.

HeddaGarbled · 13/04/2023 23:00

always put partner and SD first when it comes to buying new clothes etc

Well, that’s the fairly obvious opportunity for saving then.

UsingChangeofName · 13/04/2023 23:03

between those jobs had 4 promotions (including not substantial but noticeable pay rises

I can't understand how you can't afford a cleaner, just out of one of those not insubstantial pay rises. It seems bizarre that the only 'luxury' you have is doing something to your eyelashes once a month.

I 100% think that adults living together should contribute to the household in a way that gives them equal leisure time or down time or time to do whatever you choose (however you want to phrase this), but, if you were happy with the balance before this latest job move, then surely that is one of the things you considered before applying for, or at least accepting the new job ? If dh said to me he was applying for a new job that meant he was going to be outside the home a lot more, but, balanced against that he was going to be earning more, then I would expect the increased earnings to pay for someone to do some of the work around the house he was no longer able to do. That seems fair.
So if it was fair before the job, then I think he is right that the additional money pays for the person you want to employ to do things you no longer have time to do.

Now, before I am torn apart for this logic, read the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph.
If the balance of contribution to the things that need doing was always wrong, then that is what you need to tackle should have tackled long ago . the logic of the increase in household income paying for the person picking up the slack, is, in itself, sound.

Thepossibility · 13/04/2023 23:04

I don't think it's right you have to either do all the cleaning or pay for a cleaner yourself AS WELL AS paying for his child's expenses.
He saw you coming, he's a CF!

beAsensible1 · 13/04/2023 23:07

do not under any circumstances buy a house with this man. im not an LTB but really this man in anchor around your neck, who hides from contributing chores to the house under the guise of your "high standards"

if clean house is outside or his bare minimum and he won't contribute to its upkeep why don't you separate households as pp suggested and he can maintain somewhere on his keeping it as filthy as he likes.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/04/2023 23:12

So stop doing the washing and ironing for them both, do a rota for cleaning, and if it’s not clean they do it again

both can take turns in cooking an evening meal

if they won’t I would get the cleaner in but take the money from the house keeping, they can then starve

emptythelitterbox · 13/04/2023 23:18

He's a lazy cocklodger who saw you coming.

I can't see how anyone thinks you should be the default skivvy as well as paying for the privilege.

It's a well known tactic of many men to go for 50/50 custody split as they don't want to have to pay their ex anything. They quickly line up a skivvy for them to do all the wife work and childminding so he can resume his life of leisure.

Precipice · 13/04/2023 23:19

both can take turns in cooking an evening meal

OP doesn't say how old the step daughter is, but she's probably quite young. If OP's surname 94 is her year of birth, she'll be 29 this year, so if the partner's of a similar age, the daughter can only be 10 at a max, if he had her at 19. A 10 year old can have some chores around the house, but I wouldn't be making her cook dinner.

The child's not the problem. The partner is.

Nevermind31 · 13/04/2023 23:23

My partner was the same. Got a cleaner every fortnight and told him he had to put the three hours cleaning in every other week to do his share, and the cleaner would do my weeks… with a couple of months we had the cleaner every week…

Gymnopedie · 13/04/2023 23:41

Don't buy a house with him. This isn't an issue that's going to go away.

Stop buying clothes and stuff for him, ditto his DD. They're for him to provide. I know that sounds petty and someone will say oh but you're in a relationship with someone who has a child, you knew what you were taking on... It doesn't mean you have to pay for them. Stop doing his and her laundry. Let it be done by him, to his standards#. Because in what you're doing you're enabling his lovely life, as he never has to see or experience the consequences of his attitude.

#And by having those standards he ensures he never has to lift a finger. Doing the washing up after dinner is hardly Herculean.

That's if you want to stay with him. I'd recommend getting rid, buying your own house, and having the money for your own cleaner AND your lashes done!

TimeToChange111 · 13/04/2023 23:49

A cleaner IS a luxury IMO

5foot5 · 14/04/2023 00:24

If you buy a house and have children with this man you will resent him before too long. Seven years may seem like a long time but it's not as long as the rest of your life, is this how you want it to be forever? He has told you he's not going to compromise, you should make a decision about your future with that information in mind.

Yes this. Please think about thid.

Nsky62 · 14/04/2023 00:54

Buy a dishwasher and get them to hep, sorted

caringcarer · 14/04/2023 01:17

OP, you have allowed yourself to fall into the unpaid role of Nanny and housekeeper, whilst your partner has a DD he does not cook for or even do her laundry and he leaves it to you to buy her stuff. Neglectful Dad in my book. What would he do if you were not on unpaid call 24/7? I'd be having words with him.

NoKnit · 14/04/2023 02:04

I'm falling to see the relevance of your masters degree, promotions or pay raises in all this. Do you think you've worked harder than someone who say for example works their socks off 50 hours a week cleaning in a hospital or a shop or something? Surely they deserve a cleaner at home too?

If you can afford to pay a cleaner then do it. But what you do for a Iiving is irrelevant

MysteryBelle · 14/04/2023 02:22

Of course he should pay half the cost for a cleaner. You are doing and investing much more in the relationship and house, and saving for new house sounds like, than he is.

Phoebo · 14/04/2023 02:22

I think you need some second opinions from friends in RL if your standards are too high. If they're not, and he won't pull his weight or contribute towards a cleaner I'd honestly reassess the relationship

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2023 03:06

FOJN · 13/04/2023 22:56

You have worked hard to improve your career prospects and are saving towards a deposit. He has not advanced in his career and has his daughter 50% of the time but doesn't cook for her or you and doesn't even do her laundry. You have very different expectations about standards of housekeeping and he is not willing to make a financial contribution to cover for the housework he doesn't think is his job.

If you buy a house and have children with this man you will resent him before too long. Seven years may seem like a long time but it's not as long as the rest of your life, is this how you want it to be forever? He has told you he's not going to compromise, you should make a decision about your future with that information in mind.

This. You’re focusing on the wrong things. It’s lovely you look after his dd. But he doesn’t respect you at all. As @emptythelitterbox has observed, you’re the skivvy he lined up to do his 50% of care for his dd so that he doesn’t have to pay child support.

By the sound of it you’re still young and you really do not want to start having kids with this man. Your life is going places. His is not. He sounds parasitic. Don’t get caught up in sunk cost fallacies. You’ve been together several years now. But that is not time invested, it’s time wasted as he doesn’t appreciate everything you do for him and his dd.

Catwithbigfeet · 14/04/2023 03:24

@emptythelitterbox
”It's a well known tactic of many men to go for 50/50 custody split as they don't want to have to pay their ex anything. They quickly line up a skivvy for them to do all the wife work and childminding so he can resume his life of leisure.”

THIS ^
It doesn’t sound like affording a cleaner is the main issue here.
He is saving on child maintenance and using you to pay for and look after his child. He’s not only quids in but he’s got someone to be a housewife and child minder too.
I wonder if he’d still want 50/50 if you weren’t there.Too much like hard work.

Carry on saving the deposit for the property but don’t buy with him unless you want to make it more difficult to leave.
Because it’s likely to get worse once you feel trapped.

daisychain01 · 14/04/2023 03:30

So what is this Prince Amongst Men doing while you're either slaving away doing all his skivvying or working?

Normal question for these types of men - what does he bring to your life to enhance your happiness? Absolutely zero it sounds like.

emptythelitterbox · 14/04/2023 03:38

Oh and for these men who think the woman's cleaning standards are too high, would he want to eat at a restaurant or stay at a hotel that kept his level of cleanliness.

I bet not!

WandaWonder · 14/04/2023 03:46

There are people who hoover and mop every day sometimes a few times, they wash and iron everything, they spend all their time tidying, they make beds like a professional etc.

No idea if this is you op but there are people who do way more than average

So are your standards higher than normal or is he lazy?

To me there is difference

Shhhquirrel · 14/04/2023 03:46

Sounds like you’ve already ‘lowered your expectations’ with your choice of partner OP. Time to raise them and LTB.

SeaDee · 14/04/2023 03:51

emptythelitterbox · 13/04/2023 23:18

He's a lazy cocklodger who saw you coming.

I can't see how anyone thinks you should be the default skivvy as well as paying for the privilege.

It's a well known tactic of many men to go for 50/50 custody split as they don't want to have to pay their ex anything. They quickly line up a skivvy for them to do all the wife work and childminding so he can resume his life of leisure.

Exactly this

MrsRickAstley · 14/04/2023 03:57

I know what you should give up!

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