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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hard done by.

207 replies

RabbitWarrren · 07/04/2023 09:07

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

OP posts:
Jojobalone · 07/04/2023 09:10

Is there anything stopping you from having a chat with him about how you work full time and do ALL kid and life admin?

who does housework and cooking?

Jojobalone · 07/04/2023 09:12

I’ll take a punt that your marriage isn’t generally in a great place?

Easterfunbun · 07/04/2023 09:12

I guess you don’t need to worry about childcare in the holidays which does relieve a lot of the stress for you. Not sure why he thinks quitting his part time job is an option though. He still needs to work and contribute.

PuttingDownRoots · 07/04/2023 09:14

Financially, is you dropping a day and him picking up an extra day a viable option?

Casilero · 07/04/2023 09:36

God don't let him quit! Wouldn't that make him primary carer iff you split up? Not a lawyer by the way. I wouldn't do it anyway

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2023 09:40

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning.

I think this is the problem. With the set up you have, the advantage should be that you don’t have to think about anything else except work. Fair enough to have one parent not working, or working part time - but then all that life admin becomes their job.

4eyesbigthighs · 07/04/2023 09:41

He’s supposed to be your equal and this doesn’t sound equal.

He told you he would quit his job if you got another promotion? Why was this not an ask, or even a discussion? He sounds like a lazy taker with nothing to give.

Tell him to increase his hours, you can never have too much income in this day and age. You might be comfortable, but if he worked more you’d be more than comfortable.

Honestly OP, it sounds like you get walked on a lot. Breaking your back and sacrificing quality time with your children so he can have all the fun. It needs to be more equal.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/04/2023 09:52

He sounds really really awful. My goal would be to get him to increase his hours and do some work around the house as well.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 07/04/2023 09:57

If he wants a SAHP role and that works for your family and he does all the home and kid stuff then I think that's a perfectly fine way to structure it, but if he just wants to not work while you do all the home and kid stuff and work then that's a piss take.

TheHoover · 07/04/2023 09:58

I would very much expect him to step up around the house whilst he is on holiday and you are not. when you are on holiday you must still do household chores/admin given that he is not doing them? Not fair.

JMSA · 07/04/2023 09:59

I really feel for you from your post Flowers The whole set-up seems not to be balanced in your favour.

Nimbostratus100 · 07/04/2023 10:00

sounds like you need to be prioritising spending quality time with your kids when you can, too.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 07/04/2023 10:05

So he just gets to be fun dad all the time and you have to work full time to support him being part time and you get to do all the house work and family life admin? Sounds like his non working time is treated like a nice holiday so it actually doesn't help you out at all. I think you need to sit down and agree who does what as he should be sharing the domestic load. If you were to swap roles I have absolutely no doubt you would still be doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry and life admin on top of childcare. What a lazy selfish man he is. Be clear with him what needs doing and what you expect and if nothing changes then Change it yourself!

Werehalfwaythere · 07/04/2023 10:05

Do you do much with the kids at the weekends? Are you home for bedtime?

Your kids are only young once. If you can get a better balance for the family, before you lose these young years, I would.

Can you drop to 4 days a week and he ups his hours?

Being a SAHP is really hard, from experience, I found it harder than working. It's full on all day long. At least when working you can have some down time to yourself, to focus and wee in private.

Having said that, some people love being off.

I wouldn't agree to him quitting completely, if he did, he may struggle to get back into teaching and then all of the financial responsibility is on you. If anything, if you get a pay rise it's even more opportunity to drop a day?

Inertia · 07/04/2023 10:05

I’m a part-time teacher. The deal we have is that I do all laundry, cleaning, and medical / dental appointments for the children.

My children are older though- looking after pre-school children is a job in itself. Your husband should be doing at least 50/50 with you on cleaning and household tasks.

Can you go part-time in your job?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 07/04/2023 10:08

So he works part time does all the fun stuff at your expense and you still do all the life and home admin?

I'd be down tools and refuse to do any of the admin and just go to work and on days off enjoy the dc. See how he feels when he runs out of clean clothes etc

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:09

If he's part time then he should be doing more of the housework and admin and certainly more of the childcare

I absolutely wouldn't be ok with him quitting.

You need to have a conversation about expectations

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:11

@Werehalfwaythere

How come sahms can never pee in peace?

Do none of them have doors on their toilets?

I've also no idea why anyone would think working is time to yourself

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/04/2023 10:12

The set up isn’t fair at the moment. If he’s part time he ought to be picking up the bulk of the kid and home admin, and the majority of the cleaning.

You ought to have some free time on the weekends to spend with the kids, not just working and then doing the housework whilst he gets to be fun all the time.

And he doesn’t get to give up work if you get a promotion, not without your genuine agreement.

Im just hoping this is real and not a reverse where a man had mischaracterised the situation so as to get a “gotcha” moment - my advise is as it is because he’s not picking up the housework and admin.

Fiftysoon · 07/04/2023 10:13

I think you’ve already checked out of the marriage and you need to start making plans to leave him. Be honest with him that if he leaves his job you worry for his future should you split up as you are currently not happy with the marriage the way it is. If he’s grumpy and sullen then that’s what you’ve got to look forward to for the next 20 years if you don’t leave or he doesn’t change.

billy1966 · 07/04/2023 10:13

OP,

Be very careful.

You are being shoo'd into a tight corner where he has you completely over a barrel.

He can claim primary parent and you are at his mercy.

The fact that you returned to work after 3 months tells you everything.

Get legal advice, fast.

He is a part time babysitter, doing notjing else

He needs to return to work.

Get a child minder, at least look into it.

This will only get worse.

He is way ahead of you.

You are being very very naive here.

Get legal advice, fast.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:15

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

A gotcha of what?

Werehalfwaythere · 07/04/2023 10:15

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:11

@Werehalfwaythere

How come sahms can never pee in peace?

Do none of them have doors on their toilets?

I've also no idea why anyone would think working is time to yourself

Well, I've done both so I probably understand the difference better than someone who hasn't.

Have you? It doesn't sound like you have preschoolers!

Or a job? What job do you do, where you get zero time to yourself? I work a 9-5, much from home, and get loads of time to work on projects alone. When I worked in an office previously, I had many opportunities to make drinks and chat in the staffroom and a nice lunch break all to myself, without a child wanting my attention and to eat my food.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:16

Funny how no one ever advises men to worry about theory wives being the primary care giver in case they lose custody...

Werehalfwaythere · 07/04/2023 10:17

billy1966 · 07/04/2023 10:13

OP,

Be very careful.

You are being shoo'd into a tight corner where he has you completely over a barrel.

He can claim primary parent and you are at his mercy.

The fact that you returned to work after 3 months tells you everything.

Get legal advice, fast.

He is a part time babysitter, doing notjing else

He needs to return to work.

Get a child minder, at least look into it.

This will only get worse.

He is way ahead of you.

You are being very very naive here.

Get legal advice, fast.

Really? I think you're being sexist. The set up of higher earner / SAHP is pretty common for families with young children. It doesn't mean people are being screwed over; it means the family benefits from being raised by a parent.

SAHP needs to step up with the housework though.