AIBU to feel hard done by.

[RabbitWarrren]

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

the children are 1 and 4 it beneficial to have him at home part time no? especially reducing childcare costs and any wraparound care needs as i Imagine he does most if not all pick ups and drop offs.

why would you pay a childminder when he is happy to do it.

this seem more abut equity in admin which you need to address. Why is it suddenly SAH work is dossing now that a man is doing it?

just bring up your expectation in regards of home admin due to his reduced hours and you don't support him going part time.

i definitely think the responses would be different if roles were reversed.

And work part time as well!

That’s because mothers are more attached to their children than fathers. How many mothers abandon their children compared to fathers? There’s an evolutionary reason for this because of course women can only have a limited number of children. To split a child from its mother is devastating for both.

I'd say the same if the roles were reversed which is that he should keep some financial independence.

He also needs to pull his finger out - if he wants to be a SAH dad or p/t SAHD he needs to carry more of the load.

I'm sensing that if he's not enjoying it now, he'll enjoy that even less and in terms of promotion you'll have less of a problem. Hopefully.

If a man posted this he would be slated for expecting a clean home when he returned from work.
He sounds like a great dad and is giving your children a great time taking them out and about rather than laying on the sofa and sticking them in front of the tv.Their age groups are not the easiest so he is probably very busy caring for them.
Talk to him about sharing some cleaning but do appreciate his days are not all sunbeams fluffy clouds and happy laughing children .
I feel you are being unreasonable.the grass is not always greener.if he wasn't there,a stranger would be doing what he is doing and you'd be paying a lot of money for the pleasure.as it is,he's building wonderful memories.

@RemoteControlDoobry

I'm not more attached to my kids than their dad is

He’s a teacher so gets lots of holidays as well. He does no housework in holidays.

Is that what you do too? Your poor husband.

Tell him to go back to work fulltime. As a teacher he can still be responsible for children during the holidays. No way would I be paying for someone who is skyving.

And I'd absolutely expect a parent who is working part time or not at all to do most of the housework

Regardless of sex.

And both parents should be able to get an equal amount of down time

Holidays?! He looks after the bloody children! Holidays means he just doesn't go into his paid job! Jesus

If he's working part-time it seems reasonable that he would do housework/life admin on his non working days. You need to spell this out.
Why would he be suggesting reducing his hours? Is this something you've both discussed?
Is there the possibility of you reducing your hours eg 4 days a week?

It's a tricky situation because it sounds like you want to take something away from the kids and dad rather than create a stronger mummy-child bond. What would be your ideal solution? Do you know?
Could it be that deep down you don't think your marriage will last and you're frightened that he will get custody? Is your marriage worth saving? Time for so e serious discussions I think.

Why would he need to quit?

As a teacher I understand how difficult it is juggling family life during term time but the holidays are incredible for saving money on childcare.

At the very least he should get a different job in the school so it’s not as much work as being a teacher but he’ll still get the holidays and regular pay.

He could even do cover teaching.

It is possible to look after children and do housework too.
That is what every single parent in the works does.

Honestly op , I can't see this lasting, any adult that doesn't pull their weight in a relationship without being told to , doesn't care about their partner.

Looking after children is not just playing with them, he should cook and clean too.

If you get a promotion don't tell him and save the extra money.

I think he's planning to make you feel like you can't split up because he'll get custody.

Sure it's "possible". But I'd personally prefer to spend the day taking my children out, engaging with them, running errands, playdates. Not worrying i have to get home so my precious king comes home to a clean house. Sure I'll do a wash or fill/empty the dishwasher if I have spare time. I prioritise other things, and do housework when he gets home and I don't have to multitask. Doesn't mean I'm sat on my arse doing nothing.

Tell him you plan on reducing to 4 days if you get promoted and see his reaction. Also, be careful if he ends up being a full time SAHP and there is risk of divorce at some point in future and children's access not easily agreed

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Who the fuck does he think he is? He expects you to do all the grunt work at home and and support the family?

Is he on crack?

But he does barely anything - no kid or home admin or much cleaning. He just wants to be a kid who works time with 13 weeks off each year where he also does nothing.

@IWineAndDontDine

I did all that and kept the house clean.

So did he.

I'd have been raging if I'd come home from a 12 hour shift to a shit hole I was expected to tidy up cause he was 'engaging' the children

I'm on about the comments. Not necessarily OP

Ask him to go back full time, or both drop to four day a week so it's fairer and you don't feel the way you do. There's nothing you can do about him having loads more holidays than you obviously but most parents would find this a massive bonus to not have to worry about school holiday care for years on end ( when these years come for you ! )

Congrats. Would you like a medal? I do things differently. Doesn't make me lazy.

@RabbitWarrren I guess this is just a modern set up.

erm no 🤔what is modern about you doing everything while your DH works part time and plays with the kids?

If it was the other way around would he be doing everything that you do on top of his job?

Since when does he make the decision to go part time, meaning that you go back to work at 3 month?

Since when does he make the decision to quit, or not do the housework or life admin or kid admin?

How part time is he and what does he do on his days off?

I'm quite intrigued to know how the conversations went that ended in this unfair compromise.