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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hard done by.

207 replies

RabbitWarrren · 07/04/2023 09:07

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:20

@Whowhatwherewhenwhy1

Most parents, weirdly enough, have worked and then looked after children on their days off/holidays etc.

It's not like wp children cease to exist when they're not at work.

I dont work in an office for a start or do 9 to 5.

I work 12.5 hour shifts where we dont stop for most of the day. It's anything but time to yourself

On days off with 2 under 2, they napped. They played and I ate after them so they didn't eat mine.

Chonk · 07/04/2023 10:21

Going back to work after 3 months was hardly going to give you a great relationship with your child was it?

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:23

@Chonk

Yeah cause men who mostly go back at 2 weeks all have awful relationships with their children

🙄

TheHoover · 07/04/2023 10:53

Going back to work after 3 months was hardly going to give you a great relationship with your child was it?
oh for fucks sake, there’s always one

Ponoka7 · 07/04/2023 11:08

You need equal fun days with the children and he needs to pull his weight in the house. You should both have as equal as possible work/life balance. If he goes part time, he runs the house, with you pitching in when possible. In two years time things are going to be very different. One in full time school and the other a lot easier to manage. So before any big changes are made, you have to discuss a three year plan.

Merangutan · 07/04/2023 11:12

If you can afford for him to work part time and he gets long holidays then that’s a perfect childcare scenario for you as a family, but definitely doesn’t mean that he gets to do very little else while you work full time. Not fair at all. Draw a list up together of what he needs to start doing round the house / admin etc so that you don’t have to think about all of that on top of your longer working hours. It’s a piss take from him at the moment.

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 11:31

I don't think these comments are fair. He has a 1 year old, they are very demanding. He cant be doing all the work at home whilst looking after 2 children. If this were a woman claiming she were a SAHP but was also shouldering all of the life admin and housework etc MN would pile on saying its not split. When I'm doing cleaning/admin my husband is watching the kids. We are both working in that case. However I could dress it up as me doing all the housework.

If a woman does it, it's noble and she's sacrificing. If a man does it, it's "babysitting" and he's "on holiday". He's doing the harder job imo.

Scalottia · 07/04/2023 11:33

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:11

@Werehalfwaythere

How come sahms can never pee in peace?

Do none of them have doors on their toilets?

I've also no idea why anyone would think working is time to yourself

I don't get this either. Close the door. The child will survive for 5 mins.

Ktime · 07/04/2023 11:33

Tell him he needs to work full time and DC will go to childcare.

He is a cocklodger who does no housework.

Scalottia · 07/04/2023 11:34

Chonk · 07/04/2023 10:21

Going back to work after 3 months was hardly going to give you a great relationship with your child was it?

Goady arsehole post. Ignore this person OP.

gazpachosoupday · 07/04/2023 11:41

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 11:31

I don't think these comments are fair. He has a 1 year old, they are very demanding. He cant be doing all the work at home whilst looking after 2 children. If this were a woman claiming she were a SAHP but was also shouldering all of the life admin and housework etc MN would pile on saying its not split. When I'm doing cleaning/admin my husband is watching the kids. We are both working in that case. However I could dress it up as me doing all the housework.

If a woman does it, it's noble and she's sacrificing. If a man does it, it's "babysitting" and he's "on holiday". He's doing the harder job imo.

There is a massive difference between not being able to run the hoover round to doing none of it.

Its not a fair split, when one person works full time and one works part time, the person who works part time shoulders the bulk of life admin and cleaning

Disneyblueeyes · 07/04/2023 11:43

I'm really surprised loads of people here think he 'gets all the fun'. Maybe I'm not a great mum, but I find my 3 year old full-on, and she's stopped napping so it's relentless all day long. It's exhausting. A day at the zoo isn't necessarily heaps of fun with a 1 and 4 year old. Sounds stressful actually.
I find my actual job easier.

I do agree he needs to be doing the bulk of the cleaning, but even so I find it hard to do everything as my 3 year old is constantly wanting attention.
We actually employ a cleaner as a result, but I still don't feel like I get much time to myself.

Disneyblueeyes · 07/04/2023 11:45

@gazpachosoupday only way I can do all that and be a mum is if I stick the TV on.
Of course that's also frowned upon though on Mumsnet.
You just can't win on here.

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 11:46

gazpachosoupday · 07/04/2023 11:41

There is a massive difference between not being able to run the hoover round to doing none of it.

Its not a fair split, when one person works full time and one works part time, the person who works part time shoulders the bulk of life admin and cleaning

Show quote history

Absolutely not. I'm a stay at home mum and I don't have time to "shoulder most of the cleaning". I'm busy with the children. Trying to, you know, keep them entertained and take them out etc. I will clean when my husband is home but then he's looking after the kids. Then we are both considered to be "working" at that time.

Aquarius1234 · 07/04/2023 11:47

What's home life admin ? bills are DD

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 11:47

Can't believe people think stay at home parenting vs working is an unfair split and at home parent should do all the housework/admin ON TOP of the parenting. Thank the lord my husband is more reasonable than this

midgemadgemodge · 07/04/2023 11:49

When I was at home I managed to do most of the housework and keep children safe and occupied at the same time ( helping for example )

I always think it's healthier for the children to see a parent doing the household jobs that need doing

Yes some stuff is impossible and most stuff takes much longer

Disneyblueeyes · 07/04/2023 11:49

@IWineAndDontDine I know?
Is it just me that can't manage all this?
Parenting is a job in itself !!

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 11:53

Disneyblueeyes · 07/04/2023 11:49

@IWineAndDontDine I know?
Is it just me that can't manage all this?
Parenting is a job in itself !!

I'm actually shocked at the attitude! I'm clearing a terrible and lazy wife

candieland · 07/04/2023 12:00

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 07/04/2023 09:57

If he wants a SAHP role and that works for your family and he does all the home and kid stuff then I think that's a perfectly fine way to structure it, but if he just wants to not work while you do all the home and kid stuff and work then that's a piss take.

No, SAHPs don't do all the home and kid stuff!

If a Dad came on and said "I come home and the housework isn't done, my wife has been doing fuck all all day" about his SAHM wife caring for 2 kids, he would be torn to shreds on MN. Childcare is a full time job in itself!

Assuming you both willingly go for a SAHP set-up, you will still have to do some of the daily housework, admin, etc. Maybe even half of it.

candieland · 07/04/2023 12:00

Assuming you both willingly go for a SAHP set-up, the working parent will still have to do some of the daily housework, admin, etc. Maybe even half of it.*

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 12:02

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 11:31

I don't think these comments are fair. He has a 1 year old, they are very demanding. He cant be doing all the work at home whilst looking after 2 children. If this were a woman claiming she were a SAHP but was also shouldering all of the life admin and housework etc MN would pile on saying its not split. When I'm doing cleaning/admin my husband is watching the kids. We are both working in that case. However I could dress it up as me doing all the housework.

If a woman does it, it's noble and she's sacrificing. If a man does it, it's "babysitting" and he's "on holiday". He's doing the harder job imo.

👏 👏

Easterrabbits · 07/04/2023 12:04

It’s easy to suggest SAHP step up with the housework, fair enough if the kids are in school or even some preschool but one year olds are pretty demanding!

Meandfour · 07/04/2023 12:04

I don’t agree it’s a modern set up. I think you both need a conversation about expectations. He shouldn’t be making decisions about whether he stops work or not; you both need to agree.

NEmama · 07/04/2023 12:04

How part time is he. As if he's doing three days teaching he's working full time hours in term time.
He should be doing more in the holidays so you both get a break.