AIBU to feel hard done by.

[RabbitWarrren]

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

He is being a good dad you don't have to worry about childcare in the holidays etc.

He is working too. Even a part time teacher is stressful and exhausting You need to divide the chores up better. Have designated tasks

You seem jealous yet you say you have a job you live and his job in enabling that to happen

All this is a conversation over dinner and a bottle of wine

@IWineAndDontDine

I didnt say anything about a medal or you hoeing lazy hut you appeared to be implying it was impossible to do.

It's not.

The ops oh should he capable of doing some housework while he has the kids

He definitely shouldn't be leaving it all the the person who is actually out working

He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

What do you say when he says this?

@maddy68

How is he enabling her to have a job?

How do you know the ops full time job isn't just as stressful and exhausting?

That's my life too. You get used to it. I do sometimes feel sad that I'm missing out on the children so much but we're a bit trapped now. He's got no job and I'm up for promotion, which would take us to an income that would never require him to work.

"Actually out working" he is working. Hes just not getting paid for it.

I'm a part time teacher and single parent so have juggled teaching and home life on my own since my daughter was 3. He is being unreasonable to leave everything to you.

@Cherryblossoms85 but does he support you in your work so if he is at home is he doing childcare, housework, cooking, life admin. Do you work and then relax, does he enable and compliment you?

OP's DH doesn't appear to share the load.

It's absolutely not a modern set up.

1. He is making unilateral decisions 'I'll give up work if you get a promotion' instead of both being a team
2. He isn't doing any household chores, life admin despite being the more at home parent. He's getting to be a Disney Dad while still having you to provide all admin services + sex.

Time to start getting rid of some chores on to him and evening things out. He might not think being a SAHP is so much fun when he is regularly cleaning the loo.

@IWineAndDontDine

In your opinion

Not in mine.

Being off on holiday with your kids isn't working

You can jiggle days round all you like, you drop and day, he adds a day, but it doesn’t take away from him deciding how he’ll lead his life without any discussion with you.

FWIW my ex h did this and had to work more hours, pay more bills while he sat on his arse at home. It didn’t end well.

This is bollocks OP. You are being worked over.
When DW & I did our role swap back in the 90s. We exchanged most jobs and tasks, I learnt the mundane everyday cooking and house work, the laundry and the ironing.
Exceptions: She did the sewing and I did DIY and the car.
If I could adapt anyone can. Get tough OP. Think like a man. State the redlines clearly and keep to them.

If you're suffering in silence and acting as if everything is fine he probably thinks you're quite happy with the arrangement.
Is there a reason why you haven't spoken to him about this?

@BessieSurtees yes and no. He has different priorities, so he'll do endless DIY, washing, kids activities, homework, but he won't cook or clean. This is partly because I have much greater desire to cook healthy food from scratch and he views that as unnecessary when he can just stick beige food in the oven. It's frustrating because I enjoy cooking, but wouldn't do it if I could rely on him not taking the easy, unhealthy route every day because he doesn't "have time"...tbh though it's more that I wanted to stay at home and only took the new job because he banged on about how great I was

😂

Kids maybe, toddlers? Yes it is

I agree totally with billy1966. If DH is deemed primary carer in a divorce/custody dispute, the OP would face an extremely tough, expensive battle for custody. Potentially losing the house too (primary residence) and paying child support.

When a couple makes a considered joint decision for one of them to be a SAHP it can work brilliantly. But they each need to bring something of value to the table - one provides financially, the other does the majority of the childcare and housework.

When one parent is unilaterally deciding to be a SAHP but isn't contributing enough value in other ways (the mental as well as physical load of sorting out the house and kids!) it's a recipe for resentment and eventual marital breakdown. And then we're back to the primary carer/custody issue...

Imagine someone saying that to a dad as advice.

This reminds me of the other thread on here at the moment where OPs cocklodging partner does nothing and she pays for everything. I think this is that situation a few years down the line.

be very careful OP that he doesn’t manoeuvre himself into a position where you will end up funding him in the future. Personally if you get more money from work through a promotion I just wouldn’t mention it if it is going to tip him into cutting his hours further.

as soon as your littlest can go to nursery I would insist on him going back to work in order to pay for a cleaner and additional help if he isn’t going to do those jobs himself. He has a choice as far as I see it, he can either keep the house at an acceptable standard or he can work and you can pay for someone else to do it.

@IWineAndDontDine

Nah.

It's called being on holiday for a reason

It’s really hard what to suggest.

Absolutely tell him you do not want to be a one income household. A sahp set up only ever works if both people want it. If you don’t, tell him that and if he doesn’t accept it you may as well split now as you can not force him to not hand his notice in.

It’s also difficult to say about the division of labour. It is true a female teacher posting that she worked part time, would get sympathy from MN if the male partner was telling them they don’t do enough housework or admin. Especially, when one child is only one. Teachers often work more than their official hours.

Also, it’s really not unusual when a marriage is going down the drain for the working partner to decide they are being taken advantage of and the sahp does nothing. Men the world over have said this about their sahm wives during divorce. I can’t see why it would be any different the other way round. When marriages are in the final stages, both sides often feel badly done to and claim the other never does enough.

He could be not doing enough. Op could be just feeling badly done to and so (subconsciously) framing her life as worse than his. No one here knows.

And it is entirely natural that he would stand more of a chance of having the kids more if they split. That’s why women, get majority custody more often than men. Because they have been the main care giver before the split. Admin and cleaning doesn’t usually come into it.

As for the ‘why doesn’t anyone warn men they will see their kids less if their wife is a sahp and they split’, since MN is mainly frequented by women we can’t answer that. Why not go ask men why they don’t point that out when their friends, or people posting on advice forums mention it? Why would it be MNs or women’s responsibility to make sure men know the really obvious consequences of decisions they make?

I mean it could be that a lot of time, men (usually) simply aren’t fussed about having the majority custody. Or they do know but think the benefits outweigh the risks. It’s still not women’s jobs to make sure men know what will happen if their marriage splits.

It’s not even women’s jobs to tell other women. And we don’t, unless someone is specifically asking for advice. Like the female op here is.

If you think men need more education in this area. Work with men to provide it.

It’s great if you both want your DH to be a SAHD, but it’s not great he is sort of gradually backing you into it. I think the two of you need to have an honest conversation about what you both want for the children and yourselves.

Many couples have a SAHP, but other couples have it so they both work PT as it is hard to be the sole breadwinner or to be the primary caregiver. There are sacrifices from both sides.

If he is going to be a SAHD, then he should have the child benefit in his name and you need to plan to keep up private pension so he doesn’t suffer the parent penalty (usually affects mothers who stay home with DC). He should also think how to keep his skills current so that he can return to teaching when they are school age.

So instead of things just happening- get together and plan what you want to do as parents.

i think its more due to the actually physical requirements to abandonment with women and societal stigma.

deadbeat men rent stigmatised enough if at all. yesterday there was thread where a bunch of mums said they wouldn't stop their young sons from abandoning the teenage girl he got pregnant.

It sounds like you don't find this very attractive as a set up maybe some unconscious bias there about men providing or at least accommodating your DC seeing their mother for days our occasionally.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!
What kind of number has he done on you over the years that you even need to ask?
He was unreasonable to reduce his hours, & thus the total family income, on a unilateral whim.
Any changes to work, especially those involving significant changes to money or time, should be discussed & mutually agreed.

He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.
He's lining you up to be his cash cow, & if you allow him to get away with that, not only will you end up skint & resentful, you will be trapped, because he could then divorce you, claim he is the agreed SAHP, demand Resident Parent status & rinse you for at LEAST half the assets, & CMS for years.
You could fight that, but it would be costly & you'd have a significant chance of losing.

Talk to a lawyer - SECRETLY. Get a concrete picture of what any split & asset division would look like currently. Take informed & detailed advice on how it would look should your H choose to quit work before you can get a divorce rolling.
Watch him closely.
If he keeps talking about his entitlement to have you provide for him so that he can enjoy a life of comparative leisure & get to enjoy it with the DC while you cannot - divorce the fucker.

This may strike you as extreme OP - but I had a near-decent H once who turned himself into a wilful cocklodger. Cost me 2 beloved homes & a significant lump sum - & there were no dependent DC involved, Please watch your back, & get legal advice on how to best protect your own interests here.

He is working too.

He is threatening to give up working @maddy68