Page 5 | AIBU to feel hard done by.

RabbitWarrren · 2023-04-07T08:07:48+00:00

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous! He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard. The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs. Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together. Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!! I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

Foreversearch · 07/04/2023 13:58

@RabbitWarrren you seriously need to consider working 4 days a week. Yes it’s tough but a) you get to spend an extra day with your DC b) financially the drop in salary is not as great as you think.

Every-time your DH mentions you getting a promotion immediately say say “I can’t wait to drop a day.”

You also need to look at how household tasks are distributed.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/04/2023 14:03

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 10:16

Funny how no one ever advises men to worry about theory wives being the primary care giver in case they lose custody...

I can't speak for PP, but if your theoretical man posted about how his wife went part-time without consultation, but expected their husband to work full time AND take care of all the admin & childcare load, then threatened to give up work altogether, I'd be giving him exactly that advice.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:07

@Tomkirkman

The 'advice' given depending on the sex of the op is stark.

If its ok for a woman to give up work and focus solely on looking after children and do no housework then its ok for men too.

Except that's not what is being said on this thread

If a man came on and said he didn't want his oh going part time or being a sahm because if they split, she'd get the kids he'd be torn to shreds

I've no interest in advising either sex but the difference is amazing

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:07

Most men don't want to be the primary care giver though especially at newborn stage

Cakeandcardio · 07/04/2023 14:08

I'm also a PT teacher. On my two days off a week, I take dc to places like the park or the library or meet up with my dad etc but the bigger days out such as farm parks, cinema etc we only do as a family as they are good memories to have together. I do all organising and cooking of meals (often batch cook at the weekend) and I do all of the laundry and clean the bathroom and dusting. Husband changes beds and hoovers. We both keep of top of washing up and tidying etc. It seems balanced to me. I am super busy on my days off but we have a lot of time together as a family. I certainly think your life could be more balanced. Also, for us my DH isn't a higher earner - I actually earned more before I went PT. We don't have lots of cash but we get by fairly well by being organised. We just did this to have a balanced family life. Good luck. I think a big chat is needed!

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:10

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:07

@Tomkirkman

The 'advice' given depending on the sex of the op is stark.

If its ok for a woman to give up work and focus solely on looking after children and do no housework then its ok for men too.

Except that's not what is being said on this thread

If a man came on and said he didn't want his oh going part time or being a sahm because if they split, she'd get the kids he'd be torn to shreds

I've no interest in advising either sex but the difference is amazing

That is probably why the OP is losing respect for him, he sounds a lazy man.

PousseyNotMoira · 07/04/2023 14:15

Jojobalone · 07/04/2023 09:10

Is there anything stopping you from having a chat with him about how you work full time and do ALL kid and life admin?

who does housework and cooking?

This.

I read all these posts and these women seem to think they have zero agency, their husbands can do as they wish and they just…accept it. It’s baffling.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/04/2023 14:16

SittingNextToIt · 07/04/2023 13:36

Imagine someone saying that to a dad as advice.

Show quote history

It's certainly something I'd say to a dad if his wife was quitting a fulltime role without discussion, not picking up any of the childcare/admin/housework, & threatening to quit work altogether.

Tomkirkman · 07/04/2023 14:16

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:07

@Tomkirkman

The 'advice' given depending on the sex of the op is stark.

If its ok for a woman to give up work and focus solely on looking after children and do no housework then its ok for men too.

Except that's not what is being said on this thread

If a man came on and said he didn't want his oh going part time or being a sahm because if they split, she'd get the kids he'd be torn to shreds

I've no interest in advising either sex but the difference is amazing

Who said it’s ok for women to give up work, do no housework and look after children, when their partner doesn’t want them to?

I don’t see that advice often.

I have no idea why you are replying to me so very it’s clear you didn’t read my post. Because I already addressed that.

No mner is advising men because they rarely (never) come here for advice on their family set up. If you want men to be pre-warned about the really obvious consequences of one parent staying at home, go to places men seek advice on it. Men don’t come here for advice on their home set up. So why would MNers give it to them?

KettrickenSmiled · 07/04/2023 14:19

Tomkirkman · 07/04/2023 13:45

It’s really hard what to suggest.

Absolutely tell him you do not want to be a one income household. A sahp set up only ever works if both people want it. If you don’t, tell him that and if he doesn’t accept it you may as well split now as you can not force him to not hand his notice in.

It’s also difficult to say about the division of labour. It is true a female teacher posting that she worked part time, would get sympathy from MN if the male partner was telling them they don’t do enough housework or admin. Especially, when one child is only one. Teachers often work more than their official hours.

Also, it’s really not unusual when a marriage is going down the drain for the working partner to decide they are being taken advantage of and the sahp does nothing. Men the world over have said this about their sahm wives during divorce. I can’t see why it would be any different the other way round. When marriages are in the final stages, both sides often feel badly done to and claim the other never does enough.

He could be not doing enough. Op could be just feeling badly done to and so (subconsciously) framing her life as worse than his. No one here knows.

And it is entirely natural that he would stand more of a chance of having the kids more if they split. That’s why women, get majority custody more often than men. Because they have been the main care giver before the split. Admin and cleaning doesn’t usually come into it.

As for the ‘why doesn’t anyone warn men they will see their kids less if their wife is a sahp and they split’, since MN is mainly frequented by women we can’t answer that. Why not go ask men why they don’t point that out when their friends, or people posting on advice forums mention it? Why would it be MNs or women’s responsibility to make sure men know the really obvious consequences of decisions they make?

I mean it could be that a lot of time, men (usually) simply aren’t fussed about having the majority custody. Or they do know but think the benefits outweigh the risks. It’s still not women’s jobs to make sure men know what will happen if their marriage splits.

It’s not even women’s jobs to tell other women. And we don’t, unless someone is specifically asking for advice. Like the female op here is.

If you think men need more education in this area. Work with men to provide it.

👏👏👏

Most measured & rational response to Whataboutery I've seen in a long time.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:19

@Tomkirkman

I'm replying to you because you replied to me

Men do come on mn asking for advice.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/04/2023 14:21

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 13:53

It sounds like you don't find this very attractive as a set up maybe some unconscious bias there about men providing or at least accommodating your DC seeing their mother for days our occasionally.

unconscious bias
😂😂😂

More like an entirely conscious & rational bias against being told your spouse plans to stop working at your expense, whether you agree or not.

L3ThirtySeven · 07/04/2023 14:24

KettrickenSmiled · 07/04/2023 14:21

unconscious bias
😂😂😂

More like an entirely conscious & rational bias against being told your spouse plans to stop working at your expense, whether you agree or not.

Show quote history

Could be both.

Tomkirkman · 07/04/2023 14:24

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:19

@Tomkirkman

I'm replying to you because you replied to me

Men do come on mn asking for advice.

Then read what I wrote. Just repeating you original point doesn’t add weight to it.

Men rarely come to ask advise and in 13 years I don’t recall one asking advice from MNers regarding wether they should have a traditional sahp set up and what are the pros and cons. If it’s happened it would be very rare

You believe it happens a lot? Again, if you want men to have that advice, then work with men to get that advice out there.

Why do you think women are responsible for advising men? especially men who haven’t asked for that advice?

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:25

KettrickenSmiled · 07/04/2023 14:21

unconscious bias
😂😂😂

More like an entirely conscious & rational bias against being told your spouse plans to stop working at your expense, whether you agree or not.

Show quote history

I'm referring to the idea of the man 'providing', the OP hasn't termed it in that way as she doesn't want to appear sexist but I'm wondering whether this is at play here. It certainly would be for me so I don't blame her!

user1477391263 · 07/04/2023 14:27

Unless there is some sort of back story (child with special/medical needs/newborn baby/parent has medical issues/etc. etc.) then a SAHP should be trying to get the greater part of the housework and life admin done so that the main breadwinner can focus on being the breadwinner.

It’s OK if the house is a bit messy and standards are lower when kids are small, and it’s reasonable to expect daily tasks to be shared when the WOHM parent is at home, like weekends and so on.

But honestly, if I was working full time and I got back to a shit tip of a house where nothing had been done all day in terms of laundry or meal prep because the SAHM was trying to make memories with the kids all day long without a break, I’d be pissed off.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:30

@Tomkirkman

No I don't think it happens a lot.

Suggesting I think women should be responsible for advising men is an odd argument given that wasn't what I said. (Seeing as you're so keen on reading what has been written)

It was an observation on the sexist views most people hold around childcare

Which I've noticed a lot.

Not because men ask but because women do and the advice given is always different if it's a female op who works and is asking about a male oh who doesn't and a female op who doesn't work with a male op who does

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:31

user1477391263 · 07/04/2023 14:27

Unless there is some sort of back story (child with special/medical needs/newborn baby/parent has medical issues/etc. etc.) then a SAHP should be trying to get the greater part of the housework and life admin done so that the main breadwinner can focus on being the breadwinner.

It’s OK if the house is a bit messy and standards are lower when kids are small, and it’s reasonable to expect daily tasks to be shared when the WOHM parent is at home, like weekends and so on.

But honestly, if I was working full time and I got back to a shit tip of a house where nothing had been done all day in terms of laundry or meal prep because the SAHM was trying to make memories with the kids all day long without a break, I’d be pissed off.

I think the main issue is that the OP doesn't get enough time that is fun with her children and the Dad not trying to make that happen i.e by working a bit harder, is deeply unattractive.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 07/04/2023 14:33

Imo your dh doesn't get to make decisions like dropping hours or quitting without speaking to you and agreeing it as a family. He also can't just do the fun stuff, if he's doing less hours he should be cooking and cleaning more than you.

You sound unhappy and would like more time with your family/dc, which is reasonable. Can you both compromise and you take a less stressful job with more flexibility to spend time with your dc, which will no doubt mean less money, and your dh ups his hours to being in more money?

Having loads of money is shit if you're miserable and missing out on your kids.

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:34

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:30

@Tomkirkman

No I don't think it happens a lot.

Suggesting I think women should be responsible for advising men is an odd argument given that wasn't what I said. (Seeing as you're so keen on reading what has been written)

It was an observation on the sexist views most people hold around childcare

Which I've noticed a lot.

Not because men ask but because women do and the advice given is always different if it's a female op who works and is asking about a male oh who doesn't and a female op who doesn't work with a male op who does

What you have noticed is probably true but not necessarily wrong, everyone has different ideas of what constitutes a good parental set up and proclaiming it to be sexist won't change those feelings.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 07/04/2023 14:34

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 13:11

@maddy68

How is he enabling her to have a job?

How do you know the ops full time job isn't just as stressful and exhausting?

Whenever the sexes are reversed in this situation the woman is 100% enabling the bloke to progress his career, even for £30k p/a middle managers.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:39

@Goldenbear

Good job I'm not trying to change anyone's feelings then eh?

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

True lol.

But I think progressing a career is different to being able to have a job.

Whenever sahms say neither could work without the other, I always think well yeah, he could work without you. That's what childcare exists for. You on the other hand couldn't pay the bills without him

Newmum0322 · 07/04/2023 14:40

Completely unfair. He should be doing the life admin when he’s off work and has the kids. That way you can both spend quality time with the children when you’re together.

He sounds like a taker. I’d say that even if the roles were reversed. Not fair to take all the glory and share none of the shit!

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:42

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 07/04/2023 14:34

Whenever the sexes are reversed in this situation the woman is 100% enabling the bloke to progress his career, even for £30k p/a middle managers.

Show quote history

But if he doesn't do any housework or life admin, how is he enabling her, he's a burden not an enabler. If you come home to a shit tip and have to do school admin, your not enabling a stress free home life which when you see this the other way around most women are doing. When I read the enabling career of husband threads, they are always high earners that get to have all the stuff washed and ironed ready for a trip away, that come home to no stress and only have to worry about work. I have never read a thread on SAHMs were in this scenario they come home at 10pm and fill in forms for the school vaccination programme for example!

Tomkirkman · 07/04/2023 14:44

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:30

@Tomkirkman

No I don't think it happens a lot.

Suggesting I think women should be responsible for advising men is an odd argument given that wasn't what I said. (Seeing as you're so keen on reading what has been written)

It was an observation on the sexist views most people hold around childcare

Which I've noticed a lot.

Not because men ask but because women do and the advice given is always different if it's a female op who works and is asking about a male oh who doesn't and a female op who doesn't work with a male op who does

It’s exactly what you said.

you wanted to know why people posting on this thread do not give the same advice to men. Since men don’t post this sort of question, the only way MNers could give that advice is by going and seeking men out to give them it.

If you believe MNers should be also giving the advice out to men, how would we do that without going and seeking them out?

Also ‘since you are keen on reading what’s been written’ isn’t an insult and pretending you are let that fussed about ready what’s been written, isn’t a flex.

No, it’s not different advice given to women. Threads from women asking should I be a sahp isn’t the same as asking ‘should my partner be a sahp’. Again, if a woman asks if she should be a sahp, why do you think MNers should try to ensure the Op passes any information to the man?

Besides which, you weren’t talking about women posting. Because you pointed out ‘men do post’.

Of course there’s sexist views around childcare. Mainly that the majority of men believe it’s a woman’s just to be the default parent. Trying to pretend poor men are victims of sexism when it comes to childcare, is really odd.