AIBU to feel hard done by.

[RabbitWarrren]

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

@Tomkirkman

Yeah. I'm definitely imagining your tone.

Coming in here with your false equivalence! We don't want your kind.

🤣

I know you didn't ask me to agree with you. I still don't.

unless the chidren are in childcare during the holiday, its not a holiday he is working as their main carer.

unless being a sahm is a holiday?

@beAsensible1

No comment

🤣

He wants to be the fun dad. My sons have one of those.

Did he discuss reducing his hours with you when you were promoted, or just do it?

Yes - if he quits to look after Dc and you split up, you will be worse off.

What do you want to happen? If he is to be a SAHD, you should have discussed this!

Who does all the shopping and cooking?

If he's working PT, he should be doing all chores to facilitate your work...

Totally agree. That's why I said OPs husband needs to step up with the housework. He clearly does the majority of childcare, but yes, needs to do more housework so that the burden isn't too much on OP, given she works full-time

(But caring for 1-2 children each day all day isn't easy. In MY experience, it's harder than working).

Been at my mother in laws the last day so haven't had chance to read all the comments but I will.

He is definitely a Disney dad if I'm understood the term correctly. He takes them out to the zoo but won't empty a potty kind of thing. I work from home so do quite a bit myself too and we have part time childcare that continues over the holidays so he actually only has them 2 days a week max. But that's more than I do on paper I guess.

I'm absolutely daunted by everything I stand to lose by splitting in terms of the home and the kids and also my income. But I can't imagine this for another 40 years.

Dh was a sahd. It was painful I won't lie. Dc always wanted him, wanted cuddles from him, when upset in family situations wanted him, when hurt wanted him. It really stung.
However he did do the cleaning and cooking and washing. I did meal planning and online shop.

Dh went back to work ft when we had next dc and I went pt

I would discuss with him that continue working pt would really help family unit. Its lots of pressure being the main earner. I'd also start splitting up household chores such as cleaning, washing, cooking

If you are career minded and what to progress then I would see this in a different light. Your DH is looking after the DC very well. They adore him. You are not worrying at work how the Dc are at nursery or childminders etc. men for years have been the bread winner and us mums at home.
yes I agree he needs to pull his weight with the mundane tasks but how blessed are the DC to have two loving parents.

This is definitely not a reverse! I assure anyone who thinks it is.

And I have talked to him but he feels he does enough as he takes them out. If I say about the other stuff he says "what some direct debits and the odd email - if so hard tell me what to do and I'll do it"

To be honest - I know in my gut he's an absolute arse. I just have got myself backed in a corner as @billy1966 says I have

I can't force him to work full time. I might have another pay increase on the cards in the summer and it just makes the gap bigger

I promise you if we doing a fair share/not being grumpy with me all the time I'd see it as fair. I don't have any negative feelings about a man being a SAHP but this set up feels unfair.

It sometimes feels like the 3 of them and I'm on the outside - tidying, cooking, and paying for stuff!

I can't force him to work full time. I might have another pay increase on the cards in the summer and it just makes the gap bigger

FFS when you earn your next increase - don't tell him.

The entitlement of him - thinking he can just decide to stop earning any money, & expect you to provide for him. And before any PP jumps on my arse about that with boringly predicatable Whataboutery - yes, I'd say that about a woman who tried to do the same.

@RabbitWarrren

So when he says just tell me what to do and I'll do, it do you?

I dont actually mean tell him what to do like a child but have a conversation around dividing the housework and childcare equally (with him doing 70 % to your 30%)

Then do not intervene when he doesn't do his share.

Hand over those jobs and stop doing them.

And start taking your kids out on your own/making time to play with them put them to bed etc

And stop paying for childcare when he's on holiday!

OP, you need advice.

If necessary talk to your employer about deferral of pay increase to be paid at a later date.

You need to put your big gurl pance on and get good legal advice.

You are in a controlling relationship with a man who thinks he can do exactly as he pleases and be unpleasant to you.

Get advice as quickly and as quietly as possible.

Perhaps you will have to reduce your hours for a few months to get things moving.

Critical is good legal advice.

He looks after the children teo days a week.

Get paperwork and proof of this.

You need to box clever and get yourself organised.

@Botw1 I can't stop paying for childcare over holidays or we will lose our nursery place. Waiting lists of 12 months plus where I am.

His answer to this is he'll give up work entirely but I can't do that for reasons I've said

Also they benefit from childcare a couple of days a week. DH does take them out but he also does just shove a phone in each of their hands a lot of the time

I do give him jobs. He said he'd do the kids laundry each weekend for example and then it just stops after a couple of weeks and I know my 4 year old doesn't have any pants for Monday morning. I tell him. Ends in an argument. Etc. Or he says he'll do it and then it rolls on to 9pm. I do cave probably but honestly my life is easier if I just do it sometimes!

He thinks I'm unfair on him. I don't mind ideas about writing it all done etc and then planning it all out but he will be such a petulant arsehole during that discussion that I avoid it!

Then you need to leave.

It won't get any better.

You will come home one day and he'll have quit his job.

Get legal advice and start planning to leave

We had friends over last weekend and he kept whispering in my ear "have you offered Brian a drink yet" or "don't you think that laundry over there looks a bit messy" and then last night I was making the kids dinner and he was peering over my shoulder "oh DC doesn't like cauliflower I thought you knew that"

I know he's an arsehole to me. I'm just so scared as the kids seem happy and used to him and he's got this self image of being mr modern family man and he sees the hosue and the kids as his.

Did you call him out on his behaviour?

Loudly say, no I havent got Brian a drink, why are you asking me that? Have you gotten him one?

Loudly say, well, yeah the laundry does look messy but I didnt have time to put it away because I was doing xyz while you were sat on your phone. Why didn't you put it away?

The house and the kids aren't his. Their half yours

Start standing up for yourself and stop letting him treat you like shit!

That is hard.

If your pay goes up, does he need to know? Could you put the difference into a separate account?

The 'it's easy- tell me what to do and I'll do it' comment about life admin is telling. As if anyone ever 'told you' what needs doing- you figured it out! He expects to be spoon fed by you even when he's 'helping'.

I agree, put children in almost full time nursery. Look at dropping a day if you can and spend one day a week or fortnight with them.

If you're not happy- get a divorce. Life is too short.

I hope you asked him what was wrong with his own arms and legs that he couldn't tend to those things himself?

I might be way off the mark here, and I hope I am...but you know him and I don't...

Have you looked at the definition of covert narcissism?

Obviously I'm only going by a couple of short messages and don't know the guy, but he appears to have a couple of red flags.

We all know what he should be doing🙄the fact is he isn't and just doesn't care.

Start texting him things from work.
Like "can you do the childrens laundry as agreed".

Start creating a paper train of proof of exactly how much time he is with the children.

They are in nursery, you have proof of that.

Start texting him about returning to work as the children are in nursery.

I would go to your employer and ask can you reduce your hours temporarily.

The children will be fine.

I don't think this is by accident, he has a plan and knows exactly what he is doing.

If you don't sit up and start protecting yourself you are goi g to find yourself royally screwed.

Get onto Women's aid about advice.

As @Botw1 has written, why aren't you calling out this behaviour?

You sound nervous, afraid snd intimidated by him?

Get onto Women's aid to discuss why.

I do try to call it out but he always spins it so I'm making trouble where there doesn't need to be any.

He used to be quite open minded but recently I told him about my friend (33) who is really enjoying Internet dating and he replied that women of that age are never enjoying dating or casual fun...and that it's always tragic.

When I disagreed he got all het up and started saying "oh you want to do that too then?"

He keeps giving me evidence that he's not actually a very nice person. He seems incredibly insecure and angry. He didn't use to me i don't think

I'm not scared of him I don't think. I think it's a combination of knowing he isn't going to change so why bother and not wanting to make a scene in front of kids or family etc.

Whether you're scared of him or not, the outcome is the same

You're allowing him to treat you like shit

That needs to stop.

Call him out every time and if he tries to spin it don't engage. Just repeat why he is being unreasonable

And as @billy1966 says get legal and professional advice and start documenting and gathering evidence for when you leave.

You do not want to teach your kids this is what a relationship looks like.

@RabbitWarrren @billy1966 is right, he has a plan where you earn all the money, do all the chores and he gives up work to be a “man who lunches”.

A key element about a relationship with children is that it’s a partnership with both parties contributing.

I feel for you that you missed some of that first year with your DC because you had to start earning again because of his desire to go PT.

I think you need to plan ahead and be one step ahead pf DH. Start talking about going part time. Use a gross to net salary calculator to calculate the change in net salary - honestly it will surprise you. https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/tax-calculator/

Even a 9 day fortnight would give you one more day at home. Make sure your NWD is one of his working days so you get time alone with the DC. Do not do housework etc enjoy your children.

Also start saying to DH if you can’t/won’t wash the children’s clothes/clean/pull your weight etc. we need to out source it so you need to increase your hours to pay for the washing/cleaning etc. That way he has the option to do it or pay for it.