AIBU to feel hard done by.

[RabbitWarrren]

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

The kids ask for him now all the time.

how does he balance this with being Disney dad?

He does sound like he wants to be a cocklodger!

the less he does for you the less you need him.
start changing the internal narrative in your head from ‘I don’t want to rock the boat for the sake of the kids’ to ‘the kids don’t deserve to be brought up within such an unhealthy environment’.
when they are older they will see exactly who he is. Don’t buy his emotional blackmail.

When you next bring up how unhappy you are and that things need to change, go further until the point lands. Make sure he is absolutely clear from now on that things are dreadful for you and you are thinking about leaving.
It’s then up to him. But no point pretending things are ok any more.

I feel so sad that I've somehow found myself as the ground down woman who does it all. Same as my MiL. Same as DM.

I don't even think he likes me v much

I made a joke about my friend having the "ick" about some bloke. And he said "everything about you gives me the ick". He said it was a joke but it was pretty venomous the way he said it. And he stops listening as soon as I talk.but the kids bloody love him! He does fun stuff and he gives them YouTube and snacks. I feel like an outcast in my own family sometimes though they do still come to me at night of course!

Think @billy1966 said I've got to put my big girls pants on. And I do! Problem is I've done some research and I know I could end up paying him maintance etc. So it less about finding out and more coming to terms with it!

I wouldn’t tell him about any more pay rises. In fact id use the extra money so the children are in childcare more thus he can’t claim that he is the main are giver.

Find some bs study that shows children do better in a childcare setting or that your doing it to give him, “he” time.

If he sucks at doing the washing just don’t do his etc.

Just make sure you don’t let it become him as the main care giver you as a high high earner and him getting child maintenance.

when they hurt themselves, need the loo, feel ill, having something exciting to tell…. Who do they want to tell first?

Start noting his viciousness to you.

Start a papertrail with your GP.

He says truly vicious things to you, denys saying them, says he's joking, and gaslights you.

I slso think you need to talk to your GP about Coercive control.

Did you skip back to work weeks after having the baby?

Did you 100% want to return to work after only weeks?

Or did you have to?

Did you feel forced to?

Did he put pressure on you because he reduced his hours?

This is Coercive control IMO.

Start rethinking the narrative of your returning to work as something he FORCED on you.

You need to take off the gloves.

Admit that you feel powerless, controlled, undermined and AFRAID of him and his nastiness.

THAT is your narrative and THAT is what you need to build a case with.

Get legal advice on the basis of that narrative and ask Women's aid for advice.

Fxxk playing nice and laying down and taking this.

You need to start fighting back.

You can do it.

You just need to box clever.

So many incredible women on MN have been where you have been and have gotten rid of worse than him.

You can do this.

The thing is to remember is, what is your end goal?

That is why getting good legal advice is key.

Perhaps you have to tell HR that you are a victim of abuse and that you may need to reduce your hours to get away from the twat you married.

Keep detailed notes of all nastiness.

Keep repeating to everyone that you are afraid of him and that he is controlling, which he absolutely is.

I mean this really kindly, but you have to move on this NOW and not allow things drift.

Get onto Women's aid and see if getting signed out sick would be a good idea, reducing your hours and not working when he works.

Look at your finances quietly.

Start cutting back everywhere.
No treats, no extras.

Your salary going to YOUR account.
Any extras that you pay to make his life comfortable, stop.

Tell him you are reducing your hours.

Look at putting the house up for sale if the morgage is too big.

Start getting organised quietly.

Stop being his cash cow.

Thank you so much @billy1966 I actually feel really motivated and your advice is so helpful!

It's actually good at I'm my MIL and PIL house

Just found myself wiping my 4 year old bum with an overtired crying 1 year old in my arms while my MIL is cooking them dinner. And PIL and DH

And DH and FIL are sitting on their phones in the two big armchairs and occasionally sighing!

My MIL is so knackered! It's like looking into a crystal ball and I don't like what I see!

Not sure if that last rant made sense! But basically my father in law does nothing and my husband does nothing (if I'm in the house). And me and my MIL are doing everything for the DC. Both DH and FIL actually do this annoying thing while they talk to you while you're grappling with children, nappies, dinner and then look irritated when you don't give them your full attention!

I'll stop venting though. I just feel so so scared of what's gonna happen with the kids. But I'm also terrified of becoming my MIL. She looks so miserable and exhausted after decades of doing EVERYTHING.

Thank you for all your kindness on here.

op I am a sahm to two kids around the same age as yours. I do absolutely everything. All life admin, kid admin, cooking, shopping, meal planning, school runs, you name it. I work hard as does my dh. Your dh needs to pick up way more slack.

We was raised to be a lazy selfish waster and when you look at his parents you see him in his lazy father, and you in his exhausted mother.

It doesn't have to be.

You have agency.

You just have to reach out for support and advice.

You can have a very different future BUt you have to start planning and getting the best advice to maximise your options.

There is no shame in admitting that your husband is abusive and controlling and you need help.

Saying it out loud is often hugely freeing.

We are here for you.

These threads can act as a great journal to freedom, where people will support you on your journey and give you the best advice they can and an ear.

You can do this.

I'll add to my advice of not letting him know if you get a pay rise by telling you that you need to start documenting what you do and what he doesn't do.

I even thing dropping a day a week would be a good idea. That and divorce.

Lots of people say go down to 4 days a week but also I need to save a pot for divorce costs and also I want to persuade the bank I can cover our mortgage alone so really I feel I need to earn all I can and spend as little as possible to look after our future but aware that may not be v strategic @DisforDarkChocolate

He should be doing the bulk of the cooking and cleaning on his days off. When you get home or finish work I agree chores should be shared but since he does reduced hours the child related admin and cooking, plus laundry should be his domain. He's a lazy arse op and I wouldn't even entertain the thought of him being a sahp.

He's a teacher and he gives them offerings of YouTube, not exactly great parenting! He sounds tragic, when he says stuff about Brian's drink why don't you just ask when he's going to be able to pay for Brian's drink or remind him tnat he is the house husband so move the messy washing!

Problem is any money you save is shared money in the divorce.

unless you start taking out £100 here and there and stashing is away properly he will be able to claim a stake.

That’s why upping the childcare makes sense. Thus is an expense you already fully cover full time done dusted you know you can do it. Don’t drop a day just make sure he has zero days as main parent.

The other point is if he tried to claim he was the main parent why would the child be in childcare full time it’s a big clue that actually he isn’t parenting just not working.

I'm really sorry that he said you gave him the ick, wow, so he thinks he's a stellar catch being a lazy man that doesn't want to work!

I think you really need to realise this.

Upping daycare protects you and lays out the reality of what he is doing.

You so need good legal advice.

Killing yourself to accumulate funds, half of which may go to him is madness.

Far better to be realistic and downsize.

Think of your ultimate goal of being free of him.

@RabbitWarrren I am one of the posters saying go down to 4 days because you want more time with your DC and also time to think.

A 9 day fortnight is a potential option as you would still work full time so no impact on pay, but 9 slightly longer days. For example, if you work 7.5 hours a day = 37.5 hours a week = 75 hours per fortnight / 9 days = an 8 hour 20 minute day so 50 minutes extra each day. You probably do this already.

The extra day once a fortnight gives you thinking and planning time whilst DH is at work.

Hold onto today’s feeling of DH & FIL sitting there whilst you and MIL do all the work. This is what will get you through.

Fucking hell, the Poor Menz/If This Was The Other Way Around posters have all come out for this one, so boring, and rude as they want us to redirect our attention form OP, an actual woman in need of support, and refocus towards feeling sorry for hypothetical men 🙄

The biggest issue here in my view, is that he thinks he gets to make the rules, he’s unilaterally deciding to go part time and later give up work, that he’ll splash the cash on the kids and leave you to work AND do the housework and admin. That’s not a partnership.

This thread has done a bit of a u turn from the OP

in the op, it came across that the OP felt jealous that her children always went to and called for their father. This isn’t generally the case where the father is just a Disney dad. Added to which… if he’s taking them out regularly for the day, of course he will be hands on… changing nappies, feeding, naps.

Now it seems he is shit in every level including parenting

and I was confused from the outset about what was stopping the op from taking the children on day trips on weekends

Yeah I wasn't clear enough @Jojobalone in my OP. I guess I do feel a bit hard done by because my kids look to DH for fun and me for comfort but that wasn't clear. And my kids don't know how much I do of the boring stuff. Why would they? So yesterday I spent ages feeding and comforting and calming my 1 year old after he missed his nap...but then he goes to DH to be thrown up in the air and all the family start saying what a great dad he is

I probably sound a bit bitter.

I feel being at family's this weekend shows how little he does if I'm in the room. I was just getting both kids ready and he was holding court with his family and I asked for help and he is furious with me and snarled "did you have a nice long shower to yourself this morning or not?"

He's always at his absolute worst round his family. But I'm just realising how little I'm getting from this relationship.

But if he’s taking them out for days out and spending time with them whilst you’re at work, of course he will be changing nappies, wiping bums, sorting food etc?

and again - why couldn’t you arrange to take them out on the weekends?