Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hard done by.

207 replies

RabbitWarrren · 07/04/2023 09:07

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

OP posts:
Commonsensitivity · 07/04/2023 14:45

My ex used to boast about early retirement in his 40s. He seemed to rely on me for work and he looked after my DC after I returned from maternity. In reality he was a bit of a cocklodger. What would your husband do if you went more part time?

ForestOfTea · 07/04/2023 14:47

To me it boils down to: do we have equal amounts of free time?

if the answer is no, we re-discuss who is doing what

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:49

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:39

@Goldenbear

Good job I'm not trying to change anyone's feelings then eh?

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

True lol.

But I think progressing a career is different to being able to have a job.

Whenever sahms say neither could work without the other, I always think well yeah, he could work without you. That's what childcare exists for. You on the other hand couldn't pay the bills without him

I was in this scenario when my DC were young as we were relatively young in our peer group and work friends when had first DC, DH was completing his part III to become an Architect, there is no way in this world he could have done that without me being a SAHM to a baby/toddler as believe it or not no childcare is available until 10 o'clock at night that we could afford i.e we couldn't hire a Nanny, so I was definitely enabling his career.

Also, I could definitely pay the bills without him as I could have returned to my very well paid career that I was already qualified for.

Jojobalone · 07/04/2023 14:51

Commonsensitivity · 07/04/2023 14:45

My ex used to boast about early retirement in his 40s. He seemed to rely on me for work and he looked after my DC after I returned from maternity. In reality he was a bit of a cocklodger. What would your husband do if you went more part time?

Were they his children too?

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:51

@Tomkirkman

I do think men can be victims when it comes to childcare at times.

I think women are as bad as men when it comes to thinking that only women should be responsible for childcare.

My observation seems to have offended you.

Perhaps it wasn't worded as well as it could have been (something we're all guilty of eh?) but the point was clear.

Men are (in general, by society) encouraged to set up their family with their oh as the part time worker or to not work at all.

Women are encouraged to do the opposite.

This is borne put on mumsnet when women post about their family set ups

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:54

@Goldenbear

You couldn't have paid the bills while being a sahm though

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 14:56

Doesn't that arise due to Mothers generally being the primary carer at the newborn stage? I think if you've gone through the pregnancy and pushed out the baby then if you want to, after all that effort you should be the one to be at home.

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 15:01

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:54

@Goldenbear

You couldn't have paid the bills while being a sahm though

Well I could at first as I had really good maternity provisions. However, if the person I decided to have a baby with suddenly stopped paying the bills, I would go out and get a job the next day and he would have to negotiate the new demands on his time for childcare with his boss.

IWineAndDontDine · 07/04/2023 15:01

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 13:42

@IWineAndDontDine

Nah.

It's called being on holiday for a reason

😅 no comment

Tomkirkman · 07/04/2023 15:04

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 14:51

@Tomkirkman

I do think men can be victims when it comes to childcare at times.

I think women are as bad as men when it comes to thinking that only women should be responsible for childcare.

My observation seems to have offended you.

Perhaps it wasn't worded as well as it could have been (something we're all guilty of eh?) but the point was clear.

Men are (in general, by society) encouraged to set up their family with their oh as the part time worker or to not work at all.

Women are encouraged to do the opposite.

This is borne put on mumsnet when women post about their family set ups

Men were encouraged to do that. Not so much lately.

One income families don’t work unless one earns very well.

And if men don’t like it, then men need to change it. Men, by default, have more power in the society you are talking about. So again if you and men think more men should be aware of the very obvious cons of having a sahp, especially, if the relationship breaks down, then you and men can go do the work to make sure they know. Rather than telling MNers they should.

and Ops that post that they want to be sahp and think it’s the man responsibility’s to provide that get very little support and a lot of opposition.

Your observation doesn’t offend me. I posted a counter point. When did posting a counter point mean someone is offended. Why did ‘you either agree or must be offended’ the only 2 options? I simply disagreed because, logically, given the demographics of MN and the amount of men posting, plus what they generally posted about means your point was (in my opinion) a poor one.

Did you reply to me because you were offended? Offended I disagreed?

ChickenBurgers · 07/04/2023 15:06

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 12:02

👏 👏

Show quote history

👆👆👆👆

skyeisthelimit · 07/04/2023 15:08

You can only resolve this by talking to him and working out a fair share of all tasks.

You could take a couple of days off as well, to spend time with them and go out as a family?

If you don't want a setup where you are the main breadwinner and he is the SAHP then you have to have this out with him.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:13

@Tomkirkman

No I'm not offended you disagreed but your tone is not one of just disagreeing. It's annoyance. If that's not the case then fair enough.

Yes, men have a lot to do in order to achieve balance in childcare and to address sexism in society.

So do women.

Women are not passive victims either.

Yet they often seem to be very happy with the status quo. (See multiple comments on this thread alone)

And I'll keep pointing out sexism when I see it

Notatmine · 07/04/2023 15:20

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard

He's a lazy, sexist arse then, isn't he? He needs to step up and stop just doing the fun bits. If he won't, you'd be better off splitting.

bluegreygreen · 07/04/2023 15:20

Given that OP hasn't yet returned (though may be working) I do wonder if this was a reverse just to see what the responses would be.

Most scenarios where the (female) poster is part-time for toddler/preschool childcare there is outrage if the other partner complains about housework not being done.

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 15:22

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:13

@Tomkirkman

No I'm not offended you disagreed but your tone is not one of just disagreeing. It's annoyance. If that's not the case then fair enough.

Yes, men have a lot to do in order to achieve balance in childcare and to address sexism in society.

So do women.

Women are not passive victims either.

Yet they often seem to be very happy with the status quo. (See multiple comments on this thread alone)

And I'll keep pointing out sexism when I see it

Sexism being called out for men's sake is interesting as they haven't historically been the victims of this ism.

I admit I would have hated DH to behave like the OP's husband/partner as I just find it deeply unattractive. There is no way he would have behaved like that though. At the same time though some women want their DH to take that role on from the outset and they find the house husband really attractive. We don't have to all think in the same way

ChickenDhansak82 · 07/04/2023 15:23

RabbitWarrren · 07/04/2023 09:07

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

WFT??!

This is me and my DH, except I'm the part time teacher and he earns double my salary.

But... I do all the laundry, cleaning, meal planning, food shopping, washing up (argh) and 90% of the childcare term time, then I have all 3 kids on every single day of the school holidays. I hate it and wish my DH would do half the chores in term time (as I work the same hours as him!). I've tried telling mine I'm fed up and he helps for a week then it goes back to me doing everything!

Your DH needs to pull his finger out his bum and do his fair share!

ps - 13 weeks holiday a year is really exhausting when you spend every day entertaining the kids!

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:23

@Goldenbear

Viewing women as the default parent is as harmful to men as it is to women.

Ktime · 07/04/2023 15:27

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 12:02

👏 👏

Show quote history

Are you the MAMIL from the ‘fucking cyclists’ thread?

Goldenbear · 07/04/2023 15:31

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:23

@Goldenbear

Viewing women as the default parent is as harmful to men as it is to women.

Respectfully, I can view things how I wish, why do we all have to think as a collective, are we living in a communist state. Is there no allowance anymore for the private thought or preference. In my marriage this is fluid and I'm not the default parent now as my DC are 16 and 12, I have a good career where I need DH to step up and WFH when I'm not around but surely this is a private decision. If I felt as did he that my newborn child was better of with me at first as the main carer as I was breastfeeding that is fine

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:35

@Goldenbear

You appear to be confusing me stating my opinion as a command for you to think the same

You are free to think what you like. As am I.

No one has said its not a private decision.

Individual family decisions add up to bigger impacts across society.

Tomkirkman · 07/04/2023 15:35

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:13

@Tomkirkman

No I'm not offended you disagreed but your tone is not one of just disagreeing. It's annoyance. If that's not the case then fair enough.

Yes, men have a lot to do in order to achieve balance in childcare and to address sexism in society.

So do women.

Women are not passive victims either.

Yet they often seem to be very happy with the status quo. (See multiple comments on this thread alone)

And I'll keep pointing out sexism when I see it

Annoyance and offended are not the same thing.

I am not even annoyed. Any time you area reading is entirely made up in your own head. We are communicating via the written word, the tone you feel is implied is entirely in your own head. If you ready post with an annoyed tone, because I disagree with you, that’s on you.

Women are not passive victims of what? Sexism? No most are trying to change it. Like not have their earning potential damaged just because they get pregnant and give birth. Or even just have equal medical care.

Men are the ones with more power to impact change. Do you complain to men they don’t do enough to educate eachother? To make a change in general?

You didn’t call out sexism. You made a false equivalence.

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:38

@Tomkirkman

No, I don't agree most women are trying to change or even care about sexism

Like most men don't

'Do you complain to men they don’t do enough to educate eachother? To make a change in general?'

Not enough, no, but where I can, yes.

Tomkirkman · 07/04/2023 15:46

Botw1 · 07/04/2023 15:38

@Tomkirkman

No, I don't agree most women are trying to change or even care about sexism

Like most men don't

'Do you complain to men they don’t do enough to educate eachother? To make a change in general?'

Not enough, no, but where I can, yes.

I didn’t ask you to agree with me.

As you said, you don’t challenge the peoples with power enough.

Coming here to make a false equivalence, isn’t challenging anything at all

SaltySandcastle · 07/04/2023 15:48

RabbitWarrren · 07/04/2023 09:07

DH is a part time teacher. Reduced his hours when I got a promotion. Our kids are 1 and 4. He is on holidays now. He takes them out for days etc to different parks, zoo, pub etc. I'm a bit jealous!

He doesn't do any of the kid or home admin or anything or much cleaning. I work v hard.

The kids ask for him now all the time. Especially the little one. I went back to work after 3 months to keep being able to afford all the costs.

Feel bit hard done by. AIBU? I really like my job. He says if I get another promotion he'll quit all together.

Am I unreasonable to say I don't want him to quit? I'm also worried because he can be a right grumpy arse sometimes and I think about splitting and if he quits his job I'm screwed!!

I guess this is just a modern set up. It's hard feeling disconnected from the kids.

How many hours does he work a week? He sounds awful to expect you to do so much!

I would suggest to him that you go part-time so you have time to do all the life admin, whilst he goes back full-time as he gets long holidays.
Only suggest it, you don't have to act on it and see if that wakes him up the the hours you're doing!

Or maybe, over the next week, draft out a timetable for every piece do work you do: washing, cooking, paid work etc. And then how much holiday you get. And compare it to his holiday and hours and see what he thinks of the difference!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread