To try to ‘copy’ private education in state school

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My daughter goes to a good state school. I’m thinking of sending my younger son (he is currently 7) to private secondary school - he is quite bright so would probably pass the entrance exams and also due to salary progression we will be able to afford it in 4 years time - we can’t at the moment send my daughter. Also - she is very smart but not academic so would probably not pass the exams( I’ve had a look at past papers)she is oblivious to all this I’ve never mentioned it to her at all

I don’t want my daughter to feel like i didn’t prioritise her - what can I do to give her similar ish opportunities to that of private school ? We can’t afford fees but can pay for clubs/tuition etc

For parents whose kids are in private, what would you recommend ? A tutor / musical instrument/ drama club / debate club /?

any ideas please ? Or AIBU?

I just want to give them both the best I can :( it’s hard bring a parent I feel guilty all the time

She might be oblivious now, but she won’t be forever. I can’t really think of anything that’ll make it fair. As for your son it depends on the schools you’re applying for him. A tutor and learning an instrument may help. I think it has to be something he wants to do though. Though all the extra effort and expense into your son will widen the gap even more

What makes you think he'll be better off at the private school ?

What is the aim, when you say “copying”? Connections? Better exam results? All-rounded extra curricular stuff?

Make sure you have really looked into private school fees. They rise over time any way, they are rising even more right now due to inflation, and VAT may soon be added as well. Make sure you factor all this in.

@Treeabovethefire I’m talking of doing all the extra curricular activities for my daughter who is at state school not my son . If he goes private he will get that anyway

If your aim is to lay the grounds for life-long resentment and pain then you would be doing a sterling job by privately educating only one of your children.

I’m inclined to agree. Is your local state school good? Why not just split the difference by paying for some tutoring and enrichment for both kids?

If you only have access to poor state schools, spending your money on moving to the catchment area of a better state school and sending them both there would be fairer. Because if your local state is bad, it won’t be great for a girl who is not academic and tends to struggle with school work.

This is totally unfair on your daughter and an unwise thing for a parent to do.

I've known a number, talking four here, UK and Australia, where the education was split private/state between siblings.

In every case the boy went private, the girl(s) state.

Bad move OP. You’re setting your daughter up for a lifetime of low self esteem and she may never get over resentment over it. Don’t do it. Treat them equally.

I understand what everyone is saying
but it’s not out of choice that I’m sending one and not the other

finances won’t allow us right now if they did we would send my daughter

I don’t see how it’s fair that my son should miss out just because his sister could go as we can’t afford it now

and that is why I’m trying to do as much as I can for my daughter

The fact you would send your daughter if you could will always be an issue to your daughter. She is missing out over her brother which is awful

Honestly don’t send one and not the other. Your justification as to why should your son miss out is misguided.

The only thing that might sweeten the blow is £100k in her bank account (which is a conservative estimate of seven years secondary school fees).

My sister was sent to private school under similar circumstances. The argument was that she didn’t get into the grammar I went to so therefore “needed” it. I would have loved to not be in a class of 32, or have the two hour a day round trip commute, or the extra curricular stuff on offer.

I got a great education and went onto fantastic jobs. My sister now lives back at home after choosing to hand her notice in (again). She’s my sister and I love her, but I do resent all the money she has been given or spent on her over the years. I don’t expect anything from my parents and have been successful financially, but the inequality is so large it feels personal.

My 3 are in an independent school but will all attend state secondary. I also teach in an Independent school.
Private school is all well and good but doesn’t really give your child a dose of the real world. There is too much given to them, they dont appreciate the cost of anything so value nothing. Just be aware that your son will find the transition from having everything amazing at his fingertips to leaving school and having to live in the real world, I can be a struggle. Unless of course you have nest eggs for your children and connections that will see them through the transition.

if a child can get on at state school and succeed despite being 1 of 30+ with distractions and patchy teaching they will thrive. Save your money for tutors
in key subjects to support their learning and give them both your time and money to explore extra curricular activities and perhaps some funds to set them up in life.

It would be unforgivable to do it for one and not the other.

This is utterly cruel and is going to set a bomb into your family. If not now then for the future and that will breed resentment and bitterness for a life time. You can dress it up and try to make it logical but it's unfair and not a route to happiness for your poor daughter.

OP, this is meant to be a genuine question (not a rude one), but did you grow up in the UK?

I have a couple of friends from the Indian subcontinent who have felt a very strong pressure to put kids in private school even though the local state schools are great and the kids are doing about as well in terms of A-levels and university destinations.

I think it is a mixture of “I need to give my kids a bit more advantage to get ahead due to my being an immigrant” and the fact that state schools (“Government schools”) in their countries of origin are so dire, meaning that everyone back in their heritage countries uses private schools of some description if they have any ambition for their kids whatsoever. It can be a hard feeling to shake off, even if everyone around you is telling you that “our local state schools are fine, don’t waste your money.”

I am a Brit who has immigrated to a non-English speaking country, so I have empathy about these feelings of wanting to give your child a leg up, guilt feelings that my child might be disadvantaged because of me, etc. etc.

I think you should send your daughter to private school over your son, this way she can make the right social connections which are more likely to lead onto a good marriage.

If your son is bright he will get on well enough at state school. Might even have more of a chance at Oxbridge as they have their SS quotas to fill.

My uncle did this. In his case, he sent his oldest to private and his youngest to state.

Honestly, they could have saved their money. Oldest had a nice time at school, but that's over and done with. She did two years of university, dropped out, and is now a mid-range Instagram influencer. She makes enough to support herself (I think 28k last year) but it certainly isn't a career worth the 100k+ in fees they put in.

Youngest definitely felt slighted. Sheopenly states that her parents favoured her sister, and uses the school thing as evidence. I don't think their relationship will ever be what it could have been had they not made this choice. She actually did very well academically. She went to an RG uni and is training to be a dentist. But she doesn't feel like that's the point, and I can see her perspective.

They made this choice because oldest was already in private when youngest unexpectedly came along, and they could only afford private for one. They didn't want to disrupt Oldest's routine, so they kept her in.

I don’t see how you can copy it. Fundamentally, it’s the day-to-day experience which is different; small class sizes, 1-2 FT TA’s for the whole class (not just directed at those who need additional support), less disruption, extra-curricular and sporting activities. No one would pay if you could realistically copy it for free.

They’ll also likely be in school for longer days, but off for much longer holidays. Not sure how any children wouldn’t be aware of the difference.

Is your partner your daughter's father, or her stepfather?

Just wondering.

Yes, YABU to your daughter. Does she have a good relationship with her brother? If she does you'll likely ruin it.l through favouritism.

Wow - how on earth are you rationalising this in your mind? You seem set on finding support in Mumsnet but as you hear no one agrees. For good reason.

Send them both from 14 if you can't afford to send her now. If your daughter isn't academic they'll get the very best out of her with a rounded education and extra curricular activities for character development. She could really thrive. Do not only send your son. Favouritism at its worst will drive resentment.

I don't think it is such a terrible idea, but should be decided on the children's needs rather than just your finances. If Covid had not come we have sent Dd at 14 (Yr 9) as she wasn't thriving at her state grammar, were as DS's fitted him like a glove.

In terms of enrichment what we did was;
11+ tutoring from yr 4
Riding
Football club
Swimming lessons
Chess club
Judo briefly
Sailing
Skiing

What I would have liked to do attitionally was
Tennis
Musical instrument
Perhaps tuition in a foreign language

Send both to state school. Prevents a whole load of bother further down the line.

YABVU. I've seen something similar eat away at families into the future, please reconsider