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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to ‘copy’ private education in state school

220 replies

Shipshopshap · 28/03/2023 01:25

My daughter goes to a good state school. I’m thinking of sending my younger son (he is currently 7) to private secondary school - he is quite bright so would probably pass the entrance exams and also due to salary progression we will be able to afford it in 4 years time - we can’t at the moment send my daughter. Also - she is very smart but not academic so would probably not pass the exams( I’ve had a look at past papers)she is oblivious to all this I’ve never mentioned it to her at all

I don’t want my daughter to feel like i didn’t prioritise her - what can I do to give her similar ish opportunities to that of private school ? We can’t afford fees but can pay for clubs/tuition etc

For parents whose kids are in private, what would you recommend ? A tutor / musical instrument/ drama club / debate club /?

any ideas please ? Or AIBU?

I just want to give them both the best I can :( it’s hard bring a parent I feel guilty all the time

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 28/03/2023 08:06

Shipshopshap · 28/03/2023 01:55

I understand what everyone is saying
but it’s not out of choice that I’m sending one and not the other

finances won’t allow us right now if they did we would send my daughter

I don’t see how it’s fair that my son should miss out just because his sister could go as we can’t afford it now

and that is why I’m trying to do as much as I can for my daughter

Ok finances will only allow one. So why not send your daughter not your son? There’s favouritism at play here whether you like it or not op. You are going to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on your son that you ‘can’t afford’ to spend on your daughter. You can never make this fair and you need to know how wrong it is.

Why not do as a pp says and give both kids equal amounts towards tutoring and extra curriculars. Or better still save them an equal amount towards a house deposit. I have two kids in private school, with one who has clearly benefitted more from the opportunity but if we couldn’t afford to send both then we wouldn’t have sent either.

mephi · 28/03/2023 08:08

I did this for opposite reasons. One in a top grammar, the other with issues that affect learning and exam performance and is less academic. I've scrimped for private for the DC who finds school hard, in order to even up the possibilities for both. The one in state totally realises that he, in many ways, has more academic options and stronger life skills.m at this point. The alternative would be the able one getting all the adult opportunities and the other having severely limited options due to probable limited school achievement and 'getting lost' in large classes. Might it be worth considering doing things the other way round - either both go or you give those options to your daughter from Y9 when lots of students enter independents.

Hoppinggreen · 28/03/2023 08:11

If your State school is good there is no need to do this.
It will cause resentment- my dbro still bangs on about me going to posh school over 30 years later and I was on a full scholarship!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/03/2023 08:15

Can you send her privately to 6th form if she wants that? As long as you can then the argument that he went and she didn’t because you couldn’t afford it when she was 11 makes sense and you can just explain that to her.

In terms of extras - pick some after school activities she’d enjoy, get her tutoring in any subject she needs it, send her on some language exchanges (or if she hates languages then some other stay away courses), and make sure you build confidence and cultural capital by taking her to museums, theatre etc.

There is a lot of drama on this thread. It’s quite common for all sorts of reasons for one child to be at a private school and the other not, as long as it’s explained in a reasonable way (we couldn’t afford it when you were 11 being a solid one) then it’s fine. It is not an automatic recipe for life long trauma.

holachicas · 28/03/2023 08:34

I don’t think you can replicate private schools. It’s not about the extra curricular activities…it’s about the facilities, the smaller class sizes, the SEN support, teachers with industry experience and the connections they have.

I went to private school but work in a state school now, I would send DC to private in a flash if we could afford it. However, I would never only send one child. I know someone that did as one DC got a scholarship and it caused a lot of resentment.

holachicas · 28/03/2023 08:35

I do think that if one child doesn’t live with you full time then it’s different though.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 28/03/2023 08:39

Treating them differently will sow massive seeds of resentment. I would send them both to state and spend money on tutoring and extracurricular for both in the same way.

InDubiousBattle · 28/03/2023 08:43

My older sister went to private school and I didn't. No resentment as my sister is 10 years older than me and her school did a very (very, very!)generous bursary when she went that meant my parents had to contribute a really small amount and pay for uniform, travel and trips. By the time I was going to secondary the bursary had become significantly less generous and my parents just couldn't afford it.
My parents 'replicated' the private school by sending me to a selective, single sex grammar in a posh area (probably posher than my sisters private school and miles from our home). The two school were actually very similar in terms if results and outcomes. That would IMHO be the nearest to private.

Andante57 · 28/03/2023 08:45

Activist teachings damaged her mental health

Curiouslydifferent what sort of activism?

AbsoIutelyLovely · 28/03/2023 08:51

My children are at a private school but I’d I couldn’t afford both, neither would go.

coming from a hugely dysfunctional family myself, I’d say that emotional stability is as important for future success as anything else.

Eleganz · 28/03/2023 08:53

I know a few people who have siblings who were privately educated when they weren't. The chip on the shoulder is obvious and I can't see how it wouldn't lead to resentment between siblings and between your daughter and you as her parents. Saying that "we couldn't afford it for you" will butter no parsnips.

As others have pointed out, you are favouring your son, even the way you talk about them shows that.

I'd suggest sending your son to the same good state school and using the extra income you will have to provide both of your children with enriching extracurricular activities.

illiterato · 28/03/2023 08:55

I do know quite a few families where the dc are at a mix of state and private but as pp mentioned, typically it’s because some siblings got into the grammar and the other(s) didn’t so have gone privately. There are often also ECA considerations such as children combining a grammar place with high level participation in a minority sport that is better served outside school. Additionally where we live there is a v affordable girls private school but no boys’ equivalent so that can be a factor.

However in OPs case I’d probably send both to state and divvy up the cash saved between them for uni or a house deposit.

one extra I do think is worth it is LAMDA. It’s been transformational for my son. He used to mutter unintelligibly into his boots and was terrible at eye contact, but after a term of LAMDA he won his year’s public speaking competition.

ClairDeLaLune · 28/03/2023 08:55

You can’t send one kid to private school and not the other! That’s awful. Total favouritism, and she would know it. For ever.

cosmiccosmos · 28/03/2023 08:58

You can't 'copy' private school OP and you know it. You are trying to get us to tell you how you can justify doing something that is unfair.

It would appear from your OP that it is your daughter who would benefit from smaller classes etc so why not send her now and send your son to the state school? You don't want to do that though do you, you want your son to go.

illiterato · 28/03/2023 08:58

I also think it depends on the calibre of private school and the quality of the state school. E.g . There’s more difference between the two main private schools where I live than between the cheaper private and the grammar. You wouldn’t be jealous because your sibling went to the cheaper private and you went to the grammar. You would be if you went to the cheaper private and your sibling to the posher one.

deplorabelle · 28/03/2023 09:01

OP if you are funding private school out of expected salary increase but can't currently afford it, I would say it is borderline whether you can afford this at all. Salary wealth is being inflated and eroded away and it's a long time you have to keep paying for while the fees go up and up (most pupils are at least partly funded by property wealth and school fees lately have tracked house price inflation more closely than RPI.)

Private schools just like state can be wonderful or awful or anything in between. There are plenty of good reasons why siblings might end up in different sectors and it is impossible as parents to make things truly fair between siblings. Our two children went to exactly the same state primary but a change of head / different classroom teachers / different temperament meant one went to a good school and one had a pretty poor experience. On the whole, though, independent schools tend to be cleaner, more comfortable, better resourced, offer more subjects etc etc and this really does matter. You can't really equalise comfort levels by tacking on extra LAMDA exams.

I think you really really need to ask yourself what YOU think private school is giving your son and if you can honestly replicate that for your daughter. Do not overlook comfort factors alongside educational opportunity. They HAVE to be equivalent. (If your daughter's school kicks them out onto the field at break regardless of the weather but your son has a house room with pool table and comfy chairs for all this will MATTER to her).

You also need to take a long hard look at what you can really afford and what sacrifices each member of the family needs toake for that to happen. Are they equal?

Dodgeitornot · 28/03/2023 09:02

There's only very specific situations when this can work OP. One child has significantly more needs than the other and it's quite understandable. I've only seen this work when state was tried and failed.
The other one is if you had always planned for both but for one reason or another the money ran out. In this scenario only your daughter gets to go.
Sorry OP but I would concentrate on trying to just do what you can for them both. You will be a bit unimpressed with private I suspect. A lot of the extra curricular costs extra and classes aren't that small anymore, small preps aren't financially viable and are closing at alarming rates.

AmniMajus · 28/03/2023 09:04

If your son is bright, try and get him a scholarship or bursary, then you can use the money saved to pay for your daughter.

Under no circumstances write off your daughter now. My younger sister came across as far brighter then I was when we were younger yet I ended up with all the As in GCSEs/A levels and a first at university.

I would have been devastated if she was sent to private school and I was left to rough it at the local comp. As it was my parents were amazing at treating has fairly (if not always equally, although they tried their hardest) but I would have massively resented them prioritising my sisters education over mine as she was seen as brighter.

Education is a long game.

LakieLady · 28/03/2023 09:08

If you want to drive a wedge between your children, damage your DD's self-esteem and build a lifelong well of grievance and resentment, go for it.

I'm sure your son will love being the golden child, and your DD doesn't matter because she's "smart " but "not academic".

What a fucking message to send to a daughter on the brink of puberty. No amount of extra-curricular activities will make up for that.

Mumsafan · 28/03/2023 09:12

DD is at private and there are quite a few kids who have siblings in state school. What suits one child doesn't suit another.

Insideallday · 28/03/2023 09:19

YABVU. Either both or neither.

There is no justification or sugarcoating it. It’s unfair on your daughter.

LakieLady · 28/03/2023 09:19

Wiennetta · 28/03/2023 07:50

Don’t do it. I know someone who was in your daughter’s position and it still causes resentment and family issues decades later.

If you’re becoming more financially stable, put some money into extra curricular activities for both of them, and tuition, and anything left out in savings for them - it could go to Uni or other training fees, or for a house deposit etc.

MY DB still resents the fact that I went to an independent grammar, even though it cost my parents nothing and I got a free place because of my 11+ results. (The 11+ was abolished a couple of years later, so he never took it.)

It was over 50 years ago, he still feels aggrieved and believes that's why our lives turned out very differently.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/03/2023 09:20

I think private education is generally a waste of money in any case, but I think you're setting your dd up for a lifetime of resentment if you send one child private and the other state. Is your ds the golden child, I wonder? It's weird that you're concerned about him missing out but you don't seem to be as bothered about your dd.

Surely the solution is to use the funds that you would have used for your ds's private school fees to benefit both children equally... through tutoring, extracurricular opportunities, future house deposits or whatever. Don't set one up to feel second class to the other!

MarshaBradyo · 28/03/2023 09:22

I wouldn’t do this

Private can be worth it but this doesn’t sound the right way to go.

Curseofthenation · 28/03/2023 09:22

I think you're making an awful decision that will lead to a lot of resentment down the line. If your son is smart and capable then he'll do well in a good state school. You can provide both of them with all the extra-curricular activities that are available to private school students.

How would you feel in your daughter's shoes? You know it's wrong.