To try to ‘copy’ private education in state school

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My daughter goes to a good state school. I’m thinking of sending my younger son (he is currently 7) to private secondary school - he is quite bright so would probably pass the entrance exams and also due to salary progression we will be able to afford it in 4 years time - we can’t at the moment send my daughter. Also - she is very smart but not academic so would probably not pass the exams( I’ve had a look at past papers)she is oblivious to all this I’ve never mentioned it to her at all

I don’t want my daughter to feel like i didn’t prioritise her - what can I do to give her similar ish opportunities to that of private school ? We can’t afford fees but can pay for clubs/tuition etc

For parents whose kids are in private, what would you recommend ? A tutor / musical instrument/ drama club / debate club /?

any ideas please ? Or AIBU?

I just want to give them both the best I can :( it’s hard bring a parent I feel guilty all the time

The sensible plan would be to send both to state, and pay for both to have extra coaching, learning music etc. Don't ever think that you can replicate private school benefits - you can't.

I have a friend who has done this, boy at private and girl at secondary. It’s a terrible idea, such inequality. I agree with PPs it’s all or nothing.

Agree with comments made by PP.
It doesn’t matter that your finances will change - it is likely your DD will feel second rate and believe your actions are because she is a girl, because she is less intelligent, because she wasn’t the cuter younger child, because she wasn’t loved as much. Think of the damage that will do to a child. Think of how it will impact on the sibling relationship. Think of how unfair to both of your children this is. Your DS will grow up either arrogant (feeling superior as he is the boy, the most intelligent, the cute younger, the most loved) or guilty about his sister.

Spend the money on both. Be aspirational for both - this will benefit BOTH.

Private schools can perhaps give children a confidence manner. So….
Get both your children doing private speech and language /drama lessons. Debating club if you can find one.
Work on their general knowledge and wider education from a young age - museums, galleries, discussing the news.
Get them mixing with different age groups - work on eye contact, good manners, the importance of conversation
Broaden both their horizons - take them on exciting holidays (Pompeii, rainforest, safari etc etc - if you don’t spend on school fees, you can afford these!)
Private tutors if struggling
Music and sport lessons as long as they want to.
Give them both time, love, support, encouragement, aspirations.

Moreover, as PP said, private education would not necessarily give your son the benefits you assume it would. It does for some, does not for others. You could end up spending a lot of money - and your “investment” having poor returns. (This is the voice of experience!)

It is out of choice

Don't send either, invest in extra curricular, bank the extra cash for future uni support, spend more time with them.

I just don’t think you can. Tutoring, music lessons, LAMDA, other clubs will be nice, but the day to day experience of small class sizes, choir tours, visiting speakers, careers support, well resourced classrooms/library/lab and so on are what makes the difference.

Are you from this century? 🤣

This is spot on

If you could effectively 'copy' private school in state, you could do that for both of them and save the fees. Unless you're very wealthy, the whole family makes sacrifices to fund private school and your daughter will lose out without gaining any advantages. I can't understand why you'd send him, having treated your daughter so differently. I don't think there is any way you could compensate.

Do not do it. Pay for both of your children to have opportunities outside of school; clubs, tutoring, life experiences, competitions etc. Your daughter will resent you; I've taught a few like your daughter; the resentment bubbles. Can you imagine if you son gets a school trip to, for example, Kenya and your daughter gets to go to Blackpool? If you don't pay school fees you could take both on great experiences.

That example is a true story by the way. The girl's mental health issues were well known and the scars from self harm were very pronounced.

My parents sent my sister to private school, but not myself, owing to a change in circumstances. Unfortunately, my mum chooses to sugarcoat coat the situation and not acknowledge how it might feel from my perspective. I ended up attending Oxbridge, so she uses this to justify my not needing it; she could never have known this would be my academic outcome as it wasn’t until I was in VI form that the possibility was touted. I don’t resent my sister attending private school, nor my parents’ decision to do it, but I do resent the fact my mum doesn’t “own it”.

My own children attend a private prep (but will go to state secondary). If you’d like to somehow emulate private school, then access to great technology, ability to play in competitive sports fixtures, speech & drama clubs (e.g. LAMDA), skiing holidays, private tuition would all be beneficial.

You can’t do that! How unfair on your poor daughter.

I’ve a friend who didn’t get to go to private school when her sibling did and she has massive resentment to her parents and her sibling. It’s really ruined relationships even 25 years on!

surely it’s better to try snd work out some kind of budget that may be tight but also enable opportunity for both.

there are private schools that allow entry in later years for A levels? Would that not be a possibility for both of them? You’d be able to spend money on tutoring both if you felt they weren’t progressing enough at state school and it gives you years to save.

The main benefits to private;

1. small class sizes so that pupils get more attention
2. Because of the above, way more opportunity to "participate", give opinions etc
3. A very motivated school and parent population.

It's not solely about clubs and societies, nor exam results - kids get what they are capable of generally.

We sent youngest to private, eldest didn’t mind, she despised all schools and the longer school hours and more engagement wouldn’t have worked for her.

After 100k and 5 years, youngest was desperate to move and went to a grammer .6th form.

Pros: class sizes, range from 6 to 20
Parental engagement & involvement
Any support a child required was dealt with
Any language could be picked - they’d get a teacher in
Beautifull setting in 160 acres for less than 300 kids

Cons:
Hearing about a 14 year old heiress to billions, bleating about her oppression….

Activist teachings damaged her mental health
cliques of parents - the Uber wealthy with 14 homes, who all got on, being chased and fawned upon by the middle class parents upto their eyes in debt blanking the others, with those who don’t play that game forming the third group. Was fun to watch, embarrassing for those in it, but ultimately kinda a weird microcosm of some of the fire parts of society.

All kids from all walks of life, steal, fight, bully, harass, use people.

Those are just the highlights, a friend going thru with private primary education with a child who has some minor issues, I’d ostensibly being forced out of that school by hyper engaged parents.

in a few words - private doesn’t make it better. I have some regrets about the choices we made, not the money spent, but simply that she has not enjoyed it the way we had hoped. She was a kid that loved school who does agsin now that she’s left private.

Another option could be to let both DC attend private schools but just for sixth form.

Sorry, I have no idea how the “coat” appeared after “sugarcoat”

Your son won't miss out, he'll still get a good education, especially if he's bright

I have one at each. But not for financial reasons. For us one school suits one child and one school suits the other. State child has been given the option twice of private but has chosen the very good state secondary instead. She is considering moving for sixth form. I do think there could be resentment if your reasons are purely financial. I would consider moving them both to private at year 9,

However if you want to copy:

LAMDA
Musical instrument
Singing
Sports clubs three or four times a week
Private tutor a couple of times a week
Holiday clubs at the private school - they will offer sports, drama etc. If they don't then look at other schools - boarding schools often do these.

Send both in year 9. There’s a huge influx of new pupils at that stage at my children’s’ school.

Either both go or neither go. Anything else is deeply unfair to both children. Also, your logic is flawed. You less academic daughter will benefit far more from a private education. Is there an option to send your daughter to an all girls and your son to a grammar?

My brother was sent private, me state.

I still carry the resentment in my 40's and it's made me feel like less worthy of a person my whole life. DB is oblivious and remembers having a stellar childhood.

Just send them both state and offer outside opportunities. Or be prepared for one child to resent you forever, no matter how you sugar coat it. Because she will.

I think both or neither. If you can’t afford it for both then you can’t afford it.

I assume you're joking 'a good marriage'

😂😂😂😂😂

Apart from anything else, marriage is detrimental to women's earnings

Please don’t do this…. Preserving the possibility of long term positive relationships with both your children needs to be your main priority. Everything else, including education , comes second. Save the money for uni/college/deposit on first flat for BOTH of them instead. I do think independent schools can be fantastic- but not at the cost of splitting families.

It's always the girl.
She won't care about your weak excuse.
Both or none.
My BF had this growing up. She resented it so much.

If this is essentially a cash flow problem give your DD £120k for a house deposit at 21. I'm sure her brother won't feel envious at all 😆