To try to ‘copy’ private education in state school

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My daughter goes to a good state school. I’m thinking of sending my younger son (he is currently 7) to private secondary school - he is quite bright so would probably pass the entrance exams and also due to salary progression we will be able to afford it in 4 years time - we can’t at the moment send my daughter. Also - she is very smart but not academic so would probably not pass the exams( I’ve had a look at past papers)she is oblivious to all this I’ve never mentioned it to her at all

I don’t want my daughter to feel like i didn’t prioritise her - what can I do to give her similar ish opportunities to that of private school ? We can’t afford fees but can pay for clubs/tuition etc

For parents whose kids are in private, what would you recommend ? A tutor / musical instrument/ drama club / debate club /?

any ideas please ? Or AIBU?

I just want to give them both the best I can :( it’s hard bring a parent I feel guilty all the time

I know several families where the eldest sent to private school and the younger to the local state school. In every case I know it was because the child chose not to follow their sibling for different reasons. That's fair enough - the child chose.

Choosing because you can only afford one is really not on and will cause resentment. Especially if the elder goes on to have a better career.

my question is why does ‘being academic’ matter?
If by that you mean she is creative then that is a good thing and that should be nurtured by any means possible.
And why on Earth people feel the need to get their children tutored after they’ve spent all day in school , I will never understand.
As for sending your boy private- you can do it, but sooner or or later it will become a bone of contention between your kids, in my opinion.

Just don’t.
the kid who would most benefit from private is probably the less bright one anyway ….

if you did this even of as a child she didn’t seem to care she is pretty much certain to resent you when she’s an adult and realises the implications. That you didn’t prioritise her, that you didn’t think she was as good as her brother, etc.

if she isn’t “academic” why not send her to the private school where she might get more support rather than her brother? Those are the sort of questions she will fling in your face when older.

My dcs have been to good state schools. When I meet private school-educated people (both children and adults) I don’t see much difference in ability, but the most obvious difference is more confidence, and better public speaking and social skills. So perhaps do some activities which help with those things - drama, debating, etc. And at home talk to them a lot about their lives, tv, current affairs, etc - anything that encourages them to think about their views and learn to express themselves clearly.

But ultimately YABU because you are treating your children so unequally. I have a few friends who grew up in families like that and the sibling relationship has never recovered. It’s hard when your parents so blatantly favour one child, even if they don’t see it as such.

The only reasons I can see for this are if the children have different fathers and your son’s father insists on, and pays for, private education? Or maybe the privately educated child has a specific reason for benefiting from a specialist education, like disability or extraordinary skills in sport or music?

Whatever the reason, I think I’d be more focused on the emotional side and nurturing the sibling relationship. It’s not the educational difference that will cause problems, but what it symbolises when you spend a lot of money on one child and not the other.

I know quite a few people who have experienced this. Sometimes circumstances change, or one child is clever enough to get a partial scholarship to make it doable, or one child isn't clever enough for the grammar but the state is awful, or one child has additional needs/talents that a private school can meet. There are lots of reasons why a family might make this choice that have nothing to do with favouritism.

OP, you can't replicate small classes and sky high expectations, backed by immediate intervention if a child scores below a certain mark on a test, or a cohort of well behaved, studious children (or they're kicked out). IME those are the biggest advantages, not extra curriculars. Private tuition, possibly, in any subject where she isn't on track for 7-9 might go some way towards.

You could well argue that if your son is bright, OP, he'll do well at the state school. My two did! We could have afforded to send both private but a) didn't think they needed it, and b) didn't agree with private. They also got their full sets of A stars without any tutoring. As did all the bright ones at the school (which has since been judged as failing).
If you have a good level of education, and the children are driven to succeed they'll both be fine. If one is a little weaker I might consider it. But then I think you probably ought to send both in the interests of perceived fairness.

I honestly can't believe you're even thinking of doing this.

Do you have siblings yourself OP? Can you put yourself in your daughter's shoes? Or your son's? You'll create an entitled little prince who will Lord it over his sister, no question.

As a PP asked, do both of the DC have the same father? Is it a case of DS's father (ie your current partner or husband) wants this for his DS but not for his DSD?

Send them both to state and use the money saved to take them to amazing places and have some cash in the bank for a deposit later in life. Private school isn’t worth the money.

God, don’t do it. Use the money to benefit both of them equally. If your son is as bright as you say he will be fine in the good state. You can’t mimic private school in state, all the clubs won’t make any difference. You can’t make up for the small class sizes, elitism and networking opportunities, possible cache of having the organisation on future cv, different social group, improved facilities. it will be a very different experience. Not saying it’s all fair or right, but you can’t replicate it.

I have a daughter who we consisted private for. Some of our friends did go private with similar aged children.

One family in fact sent theirs to Eton.

I’ve watched over the years and felt a bit envious of the opportunities for sport and other things.

Ultimately my DD got better GCSE grades and her recent mock A levels in a state sixth form are also better than the results or mocks of friends who used private school (apart from one who got roughly the same grades). That includes the Eton educated.

Friends with kids in private are also finding it tough to get university places because the system seems so heavily weighted in favour of state. The Eton child applying this year is bright but has only one offer and it’s from a lower league table RG - not what they expected.

i don’t think it matters what extra curricular activities you organise, your DD will come to an age where what her peers are doing at school is far more interesting. She might be in with the nerdy but „good” kids or she might fall in with the popular but naughty ones and loose all interest in all the extra curricular activities you organise. I think the best thing about private school is that they somehow make kids want to do well in things like sport and drama as its woven into their daily curriculum. My DD (nearly 13) went to prep and due to a unforeseen financial difficulties I had to put her into an (outstanding) state academy. I did all the extra curricular activities (drama school, netball, music tuition, tutor) and all that’s left is the weekly tutor to compensate for the huge class sizes at state school. I’m now in a better position financially and could afford 5 years of independent school but not sure a school change at 12/13 would do her any good as she would need to get used to a whole new environment. So I think yes you would be giving your son a huge advantage over your daughter by sending him to private and her to state. Sorry.

Private school children I know pay for clubs and tuition on top of the fees.
Certainly music lessons are always an extra.

As well as the points raised, you need to think about how the private school child will view the fact that you spend extra on clubs, tuition and, more importantly if they are of a certain personality time taking them to places. They might well think that they would rather have had the state school and this on top.

Yes, this is my experience too. Where one goes to state and the other private, it’s always the boy who goes private. In a friend’s case they tried to address the gap by paying for extra language lessons and sport lessons for the girl. The boy ended up at Cambridge and the girl at a decent red brick.

You’re saying it’s not a choice not to send both of them to private school, you’d send them both if you could.

It’s still a choice, you could choose to send neither of them. Your DD may well see it this way.

Noooooo, you don't get to say it's not our out of choice, it is very much out of choice.
No one is forcing private education on your son. You have activity looked into it, he is not uniquely talented, you have made that choice.
My sons special needs school was private and his brother went to the local SEN state school as that's where had the places at the time, and I did not pay. perhaps choir, sports colleges where children get a place based on a particular talent, but academically from the sounds of it, it is your daughter who needs the leg up not your son,

I strongly agree with this and other similar posts.

But I’ve been on MN long enough to know you’ll probably get plenty of posters telling you it’s a perfectly OK thing to do, when it really is not.

Don’t do it. I know someone who was in your daughter’s position and it still causes resentment and family issues decades later.

If you’re becoming more financially stable, put some money into extra curricular activities for both of them, and tuition, and anything left out in savings for them - it could go to Uni or other training fees, or for a house deposit etc.

Of course it's choice. They could both go to state school.

I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of resentment from your daughter and she would be right to feel that way. You obviously see that private school offers better opportunities which you are essentially denying your daughter.

what happens if your daughter doesn’t do so well in exams? Would your daughter see that as being due to not being offered the same chances that your son will have. Obviously, going private doesn’t ensure exam passes but it would be hard to argue that with your children.

it would be seen that you are willing to pile cash into education for one child and not the other. You could spend that money on both children to enrich their education at state schools.

its very much one rule for one child and completely different rules for the other which is very poor show

This is really old fashioned OP - I thought it had died out, but clearly not!

The thinking was that the boy will have a career, so will benefit from the connections and old-school tie of the private school (as well as being coached through the exams so they come out with good qualifications).

The girl was expected to marry well, and then she'd be giving up work anyway, so paying for her education was a waste of money.

Horrible.

YABVU unless you intend to put 100+k in a bank account for her.

It's absolutely disgusting to want to spend lavishly on your son but not give your daughter the same. Sexism at its finest there. You'll destroy your relationship with your daughter and her relationship with her brother.

If finances don’t allow you to send your daughter then your son doesn’t go either. Really shitty thing to do to your kids tbh.

If you can’t afford to send all your kids to private school then you can’t afford private school, end of.

Rather than seeing it as not being able to afford it for one, just view it as not being able to afford private education full stop. If you can only meet half the bill to educate your children, you can't afford it. If you want to invest in a way that would be fair, move to a catchment area for good state schools.