To try to ‘copy’ private education in state school

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My daughter goes to a good state school. I’m thinking of sending my younger son (he is currently 7) to private secondary school - he is quite bright so would probably pass the entrance exams and also due to salary progression we will be able to afford it in 4 years time - we can’t at the moment send my daughter. Also - she is very smart but not academic so would probably not pass the exams( I’ve had a look at past papers)she is oblivious to all this I’ve never mentioned it to her at all

I don’t want my daughter to feel like i didn’t prioritise her - what can I do to give her similar ish opportunities to that of private school ? We can’t afford fees but can pay for clubs/tuition etc

For parents whose kids are in private, what would you recommend ? A tutor / musical instrument/ drama club / debate club /?

any ideas please ? Or AIBU?

I just want to give them both the best I can :( it’s hard bring a parent I feel guilty all the time

I come from a family where (through no fault in planning) a simultaneous financial and health crisis meant that school fees could no longer be afforded as expected.

Eldest DC: kept in private school by really scraping the pennies together (and I suspect, grandparents)
Middle DC: pulled out, not even at a natural break point
Youngest DC: never sent private.

It's caused resentment over the years in various forms from each of us!

Try to avoid it - if you come in to good fortune, then move all DC at that point. If you meet adversity, then ditto. But don't mix and match unless its the only way to cope with SEN.

Then look at what you provide outside school for both DC. I'd look at tennis lessons plus another sports club, plus one musical instrument as a minimum. Drama club (poss with LAMDA exams). Scouts or Guides (all round stuff) plus idc arrange DofED awards if the school doesn't, and ditto Army Cadets if the school doesn't have a CCF.

Wide variety of exposure to other activities in the holidays: theatre, opera, ballet, exhibitions (not just in UK - try to recreate eg the Classics trip to Pompeii). Try a week pony-trekking. Sailing course.

Do not do this.

DH was sent to one of the best independent schools in the country his sister was sent to state school. He has told me that his parents thought it was a waste of money as she wasn’t very academic. He ended up at Cambridge and she ended up at an ex poly. Now in theory a degree is a degree but let’s be honest an Oxbridge one is deemed the best by many.

His sister for various reason is an incredibly bitter woman, I think it stems from the initial differences. There has since been a lot of guilt from both parents but especially from MIL. My SIL is a very angry person overall and resentful. It hasn’t helped that she has never had a successful relationship and her brother has, this has also meant she hasn’t had children. I think the difference in treatment educationally was a huge mistake.

I’d never contemplating sending one child to private school and not the other. And what if your son doesn’t make the school team, does that mean you won’t let him
have the opportunity to do a less competitive sports club outside school. If you’re relying on salary progression, given hikes in fees are you really sure you can afford?!?

I think it’s totally fine OP. My younger sibling went to a private school, me and my older sibling were glad for him and understood our parents couldn’t afford it years earlier. No bad feeling in our family at all. It would’ve been stupid to leave him at a shit school that he hated to make it “fair”.

This I am afraid.

I think your better bet would be to access all the extra curricular stuff with both outside of school and stay state for both.

Send them both to the same school. Use the ££££££££ saved on school fees on private tutors, tennis clubs, horse riding, whatever you want.
You can't prioritise your golden child and sideline your daughter.

That's entirely different. You can see that your parents situation improved and therefore they could afford private. OP wants to send her eldest while knowing full well that she is unlikely to be able to afford the same for her daughter. I reckon that you would feel differently if it was your older sibling that went to a private school rather than your younger sibling.

Unfortunately, I think YABU. I was the child that went to private school whilst my sibling went to a good state school because he wasn’t academic. He has never said anything about it although I can only imagine it must feel horrible.

However, I felt guilt at the time, the guilt that I still feel now is significant and I’m nearly 30. I feel guilty that his life could’ve been much better if he had that opportunity. I think about it often. Please do not do that to your children.

I am appalled that you are even thinking this.

DS was a quiet and gentle boy who would have been totally miserable and overlooked at the local mega comp so we made the decision to send him private which was absolutely the right thing for him.

DD, 3 years younger is totally different and would have been very happy in the state school. However she went private too. How could she not? It was both or neither.

It’s unfair. It also sounds like you will be stretching to pay for fees. Your son won’t automatically have all his extracurricular covered by school fees either - there will still be music lessons - sports equipment and pricey school trips. What will you do if your sons school trip is skiing and your daughters is something far less fun. Will your son not go or will your daughter miss out again? I think it’s creating the potential for unnecessary division and future issues.

If you’re determined to follow through then your daughter should have an additional tutor a couple of times a week and her choice of sports and music lessons. DoE would be a good idea and also cadets is a really good experience. Sailing and/or skiing lessons over the holidays would be useful.

I think it is the younger sibling that the OP wants to send. Regardless, I think you should send all or none. Unless there are significant SEN and the local state schools cannot adequately cater to these.

If you will have more money to play with in 4 year time, you could say that you will pay uni fees or a monthly amount whilst at uni. Even if she's not overly academic, there's still a likelihood that she will go. Or, a deposit towards her first house?
Riding school is a good idea as an aside.
I think any sensible adult would understand that we have different finances at different stages of our lives.

if a child can get on at state school and succeed despite being 1 of 30+ with distractions and patchy teaching they will thrive.

That is a really huge ask. And a great disadvantage to a child who has the ability and needs to be stretched and challenged. I'm not sure why it's always assumed that privately education won't give children a dose of the real world. In what way? Surely a huge part of that is down to the parents as well. My ds is 6 and at an independent school and he is extremely academic but a very shy and reserved child. His education is tailored for him without us feeling that we just need to accept it and he needs to deal with it. He will absolutely not thrive in a state school class of 30+ despite being an exceptionally academic child.
Op I don't know what the solution is, it would be unfair to your dd despite you providing her with clubs and outside activities. The private school education is vastly different and she will know the difference at some point, you don't want the resentment between the siblings. Otoh it would be a shame for your ds to miss out when he has the potential. Could you move, downsize, change jobs or anything to make it work for both of them?

DH and I worked in higher education for decades, he still does so we obviously value education very highly.

Unless a school is dangerous a clever child can in theory do well anywhere. DS went to the local comp which has horrendous results and then a mediocre college but he got top grades in every subject for GCSE and A levels. He is now taking a degree apprenticeship after an arduous selection process, so will have zero student debt.

He went to air cadets which he loved and was also in a football team both required very reasonable subscriptions.

I've never understood this 'needs to be stretched' thing. At a basic level getting top grades at exams simply requires being switched on and doing the work, or did in my DC's case. One of them went to Cambridge, the other to Durham (and she is now teaching at a university). They stretched themselves quite naturally. They read around and played around with their subjects and wider interests. With our support obviously. If you want to demonstrate to a top institution that you have interest and ability in a subject then surely you do that yourself.
I don't know if my two were 'academic' at 6. But they were switched on, curious and loved playing!

It is absolutely your choice. You are CHOOSING to prioritise money to privately educate your son, when you cannot do both. Apparently because you consider him a better bet educationally.

I agree with others, this is going to be shitty for your daughter and her self esteem, no matter how many extra curricular activities you put on for her to try make up for it.

Do NOT treat your children differently, no matter how you justify it to yourself.
I now families who did this - sent the 'brightest' child to private, or the 'weakest' one intellectually, or the boy over the girls, or the eldest but not the youngest, or vice versa, or the 'sporty' one... DO NOT treat your children differently by being seen to favour one over the other like this. It will affect both your relationship with them and their relationship with each other.

And as how to 'copy' a private education- the good news is you avoid the bad parts ( the overconfidence, arrogance, the lack of independence due to all the hand-holding, the pressures to perform, the taking privilege as the norm, not growing up with normal kids, just he posh ones) and focus on what your child needs.

The MOST important thing for a child's successful education is their parents engagement with it - and that doesn't mean pay for private school and chuck money at it, it means take an interest, read with them, encourage them to do homework, read, take them to the library, to museums, be interested in what they're interested in. Go and stand in the rain at 9am on a Sunday morning to watch them play a sport, and tell them how much you love watching them play!

If she struggles in a particular subject, you can look into extra support online or with a tutor. Learning an instrument is great for any child, and studying music helps with subjects like maths.
What sports does she like? Team sports are great for any kid, sign her up for football, hockey, basketball.
Is she prefer being on her own? Cricket is a good team sport for people who aren't really into teams. Or tennis?

Save the money and spend time taking your kids on holidays instead, having time together before they reach the age they won't want to bother with you anymore.

This is a dreadful, dreadful idea.

It is out of choice that you are proposing to send one to a state school and one private. In these circumstances, if you cannot afford to send them both you cannot afford it.

There are plainly circumstances where making the choice to go private for one child is appropriate, but doing so because that child is more academic is not one of them.

If your daughter is at a good state school presumably your son can go to the same good state school?

Doing what you are suggesting is more likely than not to breed significant resentment and disharmony. Your son will be as adversely affected by this as your daughter.

It is not possible to “copy” a private school. The main differences will be class size and peer group and (possibly) on site facilities and standard of the school fabric.

Paying for your daughter to do extra curricular activities is presumably the sort if thing you would have done for her anyway? And paying for out of school tuition for her is not likely to be received by her as “compensation”. More likely to breed additional resentment.

Finally, whilst many private schools do confer benefit and advantage on their pupils there is no guarantee at all that it would be better for your son to go there, or any real evidence he would be missing out by not going. It is really important to remember that given what you say about your financial circumstances you are likely to be amongst the less well off families at the school. You have already said that surplus funds will be used to pay for your daughter to do things out of school. Not your son. He will notice very quickly that he does not get to go on the expensive trips or do the costly extracurricular activities (no private school that I have ever known of offers all the music tuition, the martial arts, the fencing, the sailing etc for free). You would be far better off spending some of the money you would have spent on school fees for your son on improving the quality of life for both your children.

Then why not send your daughter and not your son, surely it’s just as unfair for her to miss out?

I was educated at a state grammar. My sibling who was less academic went to an independent school. I felt no envy. If money is limited and you can only send one child to an independent school I would choose the less academic one. As others have said , a very bright child will do well anywhere.

'I understand what everyone is saying
but it’s not out of choice that I’m sending one and not the other'

It absolutely is.Because having not been able to send one you are choosing to send the other still. That's a choice. Choose not to treat your children differently.

So in 4 years when youngest goes to private will you also move your daughter to private? If so I think thats okay. If not then its totally unfair.

An overwhelming majority for “no” so far OP, and I agree.

I knew a boy at university whose family had done this - he had gone private, sister to state. Even then (30 years ago!) I was aghast that this happened.

The fact you’re considering it today blows my mind. Treat your children the same.

Of all these examples of unfairness from PPs is there one example of the girl getting the fee-paying private education and the boy going to state school? This is such ingrained societal thinking that boys somehow need to be set up for a life of status and earning and girls don’t.

Interestingly I think there are a fair few examples of clever sisters getting into good grammar schools/independents on scholarship where brothers may not have done, but those don’t count as parents were not being asked to pay.

The lack of value still given to womens education does us such a disservice.

My mum was academic and passed her 11 plus and went to grammar school, which my grandparents paid/contributed to, and it was a sacrifice. My aunt wasn´t academic at all, she went to the local comp and then to needlework school and built her own business. But she has always had an inferiority complex with regards to my mum. They don´t even have the same accent. To my aunt it was something that knocked her confidence and made her fell something less. It isn´t rational, but you have to be aware of this and tackle it.

Either send them both or none at all and use the money for enrichment for both of them.

I think it’s a dreadful idea to send one and not the other. You’ll only encounter resentment.

Also, please stop writing off your daughter. She might not be academic now but that doesn’t mean she’ll always be that way. Seems like you want to put all of your eggs in one basket and hit a home run with your son. Doesn’t always work out that way op and you might end up backing the wrong horse. My parents backed one of my brothers because he seemed a bit smarter as a child than the rest of us. He’s a loser now and hasn’t achieved a single thing in life. While our parents were coaching him and sending him to tutors and better schools etc we were quietly getting on with things and soon surpassed him not only academically but socially.