To try to ‘copy’ private education in state school

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My daughter goes to a good state school. I’m thinking of sending my younger son (he is currently 7) to private secondary school - he is quite bright so would probably pass the entrance exams and also due to salary progression we will be able to afford it in 4 years time - we can’t at the moment send my daughter. Also - she is very smart but not academic so would probably not pass the exams( I’ve had a look at past papers)she is oblivious to all this I’ve never mentioned it to her at all

I don’t want my daughter to feel like i didn’t prioritise her - what can I do to give her similar ish opportunities to that of private school ? We can’t afford fees but can pay for clubs/tuition etc

For parents whose kids are in private, what would you recommend ? A tutor / musical instrument/ drama club / debate club /?

any ideas please ? Or AIBU?

I just want to give them both the best I can :( it’s hard bring a parent I feel guilty all the time

The cost of private education is tens of thousands of pounds per year. It’s fantastic - top quality and endless opportunities, as well as hard to pinpoint benefits like networking etc.

I find comments like this so naive. Some London-based highly selective schools probably do provide a certain amount of added value, but most private schools are not London-based highly selective schools; the kids going to them will do just fine, but no better than kids from similar socio economic backgrounds (i.e. attentive, ambitious parents) attending decent state schools (and you are not going to get any particular "networking" value from going to "St. Blahblah's Independent School for Boys, North Birmingham" or any other non-famous ordinary local private school); that's why a lot of the non-famous private schools outside London are likely to go under in the next 10 years, because they don't really offer anything that you don't get by using a good state school and doing some tutoring.

Actually, you WILL get networking opportunities that aren’t available to state school pupils even in the shires. No matter how much you want it to be the same at a good local comp, it just won’t be. And I really don’t mean the offspring of London celebs - I can’t imagine that’s good for anything other than nightclub access 🤨

I’m in a rural market town. I have friends who teach the same subject as me at the local Indy whereas I’m in a well regarded ‘church’ state school. I would love to offer my pupils what they can, but there’s no way to do it. My timetable is rigid, our lessons and teaching style is dictated by ‘what ofsted want’ and any deviation to suit the interests of individual pupils or attempts to nurture potential is squashed - our funding is non existent. All - literally all - of my day is spent behaviour managing the tiny minority of pupils who have been royally fucked by the failures of the system, snd filling in pointless paperwork, or answering emails from parents telling me I’m not doing enough to help their child.

I know that bright pupils with supportive parents can achieve just as well at state schools, but to suggest the usefulness of the school experience can be measured purely by the numbers you leave with is foolish.

@Mexicocalling you could be describing the school my children attended in a rural market town. It's the sort that MN would probably describe as leafy, but because it's been underfunded for close to a generation, and because it has a hinterland of rural poverty with its accompanying problems, it is challenging. And yes, kids like mine did fine. But they're a minority. Christ knows what the schools results would have been if families like ours had upped sticks for the sleepy indie in the county town. Hastened a downward spiral.
You sound flattened by it all. I'm sorry.

How is this fair? Do you not think your daughter will realise one day and wonder why she didn't get the same?

Personally I don't agree with private schools at all, but I certainly don't think you can ever justify sending one child but not the other.

Favouring the boy over the girl is a particular bad look.

Sadly you cannot do for one what you can’t do for the other. It will create resentment down the line. No matter how you explain if you daughter will feel you care more about your son. It could cause a irreparable rift between your children.

I don’t think doing musical lesions or tennis is going to really make any difference.

both to state school

🙄 this is what's wrong with the world

State for both, with all of the additional enhancements and experiences suggested.
Tutor before child falls behind, build confident, resilient learners who recognise their worth and pace themselves for successful learning.
A French au pair with brief to promote language skills, all the scout badges, volunteering opportunities locally and abroad, find and promote their talents (kayaking, shooting, trombone, piano, singing, fencing, sign language, mental maths) and extend their exposure and interest in broader subjects (philosophy, economics, politics, travel etc)
It's often not the expensive school that makes the difference, but the infrastructure put in place by families, more often by the richer families. Make the most of family skills (grandad gardening - learn all the skills, join RHS and visit beautiful gardens, propagate plants to sell for charity, learn to appreciate the subject broadly - apply that to other topics and experiences)
Extend vocabulary, value reading and learning.

I agree. My friend who has her son in Private school (and her daughter not), her husband is an arrogant perv!!! And I can see her son going that way as she places him on a god like pedestal.

But if it’s not out of choice what is it? Why is your son more deserving of a private education. I know a few families doing this and it’s always the boy at private school. And the husbands are always arrogant twats.

Yep happened to me caused a life long resentment
sibling and I have never got on because of this and total no contact with parents

Its a good point that PPs are making. You say you will only be able to just afford the fees, but what about increases and related costs. Uniform, trips, extracurricular activities, keeping up with richer friends. I wonder if your DD's tutoring and horse riding will be the first to go when you are making those cuts. Becuase you are already committed.

Also agree with the fact your DS will already have the better chances in life and you are just perpetuating that even more.

@TitterYeeNot "...a good marriage"? Is that a joke?

yes you really need to think about the extras.

Our fees have just gone up. We add extra for lunches o course (recommended amount if £300 per term and it is on a lunchcard). Every single thing costs money. Trips have been quiet thanks to covid but are usually things like a week to Valenica; Week in Poland visiitng Auschwitz; christmas market tours to germany etc. That is the essentially compulsory stuff and not the ski trips etc.A full set of PE and Games kit alone is £500 and kids grow, the bloody things. I have just spent just shy of £100 on a blazer ('cos kids grow) and i am in a relatively inexpensive independent school.

Mine do not do any extra curricular at all due to being unable to access it (SEN).

I would say if it is a stretch to afford it for one then it is better to do state for both and focus on enrichment things you can source yourself for both.

Your reasons for not being able to do so right now will not matter to your daughter, not now or in 20 years, no matter how much you try to convince her of your reasons. There will be a lot of lifelong resentment and maybe she will grow up and decide she doesn’t want her family in her life, it’s not that uncommon.

Of course it's a choice. You could choose to send neither.

A bright child with supportive parents needs it less - he will do well anywhere. You can only get up to the top grades and plenty of children get those in state schools. If anything I'd send the less academic of the two to private school. (many private schools are not selective)

We had a conversation with some friends a few years back who had put their second child through the entrance exam and interview for private but for the purpose of a bursary. Their argument was first child wasn’t as bright so wouldn’t pass the bursary tests. They’d even been paying for tutoring for eldest for a while as he’d been struggling. They were asking if we would consider this. Our kids are all the same age and at one point were on the same school and class. Both the youngest and eldest. My argument was that I really believe the bright and really clever kids will do well wherever they go. Ideally private would be better for the one struggling if any as it would allow that extra teacher:child side of things. I also said that it would be difficult being in a fee paying school on a bursary as the kids would be expected to keep up with their well off peers in and out of school. I’m mentioning that as if you can’t afford it now but can afford it when your youngest is due to go, can you also them afford the lifestyle they might want?

It is a shame you can’t afford this now for your eldest but could in a few years for going youngest but as others have said this will lead to a lifetime of your eldest feeling the impact of the difference. I’m not sure I could do it for one am not another. I’m genuinely curious how you know you can afford it in 4 years but not now. Are you due to come into money?? Is there anyway your eldest could be accepted on a bursary/scholarship?? Another good suggestion is moving nearer to better schools. This isn’t always as easy though as if your eldest is at secondary already there’s no guarantee they’re not full and won’t accept once moved.

This is a really really bad idea. I had a parent like this. We now don't speak. I also don't speak to the sibling who did get the education, the house deposit etc.

You absolutely don't have to give them the exact same experience.

Raise it with your child, say all this but not the we don't think you are academic bit. Explain you don't really want to remove her from school where she's got so many friends and is doing so well. Ask her for her opinion, would she prefer to go private? If not what would she see as equivalent opportunities? In terms of stage school, drama classes, music lessons, sports clubs, school trips.
If she absolutely wants to go private you have a problem.....unless you support her and put her in for the exam and let that decision rule for you

@Rumpleforeskinz as u can see, the OPs intention is kind and I think all of us mothers just try to do things as best and right as we can, and in the process make right or wrong decisions (against, it’s all about perception). Can I just say plz don’t be hard on ur mother, in wanting her to own it. Maybe it’s a battle she has within herself, although not as evident to u now. Just cherish the things and ppl u have and let it go