To expect a bit more of an effort.

[M23D]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

YANBU. I'm really sorry. 😢

Why did you shop for cards etc on behalf of DH? It basically got him off the hook to have to think about it for his mum or for you

YANBU.
I think the main factor at play here was that your husband went to such an effort to make his mother feel appreciated but didn’t extend the same efforts to you. Feeling unappreciated is the worst.
Maybe instead of broaching the subject again with your DH, where he is likely to be defensive, write down how you feel so you can get it all out without interruption or excuses from him. His response to that will guide you on what to do next. If a man loves you and can read a message/letter from you explaining how upset and unappreciated you feel and not see that as a kick up the backside to change then he is not a very good man at all.

YANBU. Disengage and let him sort his own mum out in future. And if he asks why no effort on Father’s Day, say ‘you’re not my father’.

Sorry but I think you are being a bit ott here.

@dollypartin the day is almost over I will feel better tomorrow but DH has made me feel like I'm being selfish and shouldn't expect him to encourage DC to make mothers day "special".

June 18th is not far off. Make sure you return the favour.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour

How long have you been his secretary for?

Did he ask you to do this?

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing.

Who's this helping? You’re choosing to be a martyr and your DC are growing up thinking you aren’t a fully formed person with needs or wants of your own. Your husband doesn’t show he cares for you, either because he doesn’t or is crap at showing it and your kids are watching that too. You’ve got to take some responsibility for all of this. Crying isn’t getting the point across and it sounds like a miserable day for everyone.

If you want pyjamas, buy them when you need them or tell DH that’s what you want for Mother’s Day.

Was he intending to go out and eat with DMIL and DC’s and you weren’t invited?

I think you’re right to be upset, it’s really poor on his part. I like a PP idea of not bothering for father’s day and telling him “you’re not my father”.

@Restinggoddess sorry of I've not explained myself well, DH, DCs and I all went shopping for DMIL.

@Coffeeandchocs he has basically seen how upset it has made me today (my face swells and blotches when I cry) and still on the defense with "your not my mother"

@UdoU I think this is where I differ from him as I couldn't have him sitting on fathers day feeling how I felt today it just isn't in my nature at all.

@showusyerkiev I've posted on here and expected a mixture of replies but what makes you say that I'm being ott?

Honestly, this Mother’s Day shite needs to be banned... And Christmas too! Just birthdays, that’s it.

While shopping for MIL, I would have just pointed to the card / gifts I wanted & said, I want that. Most men aren’t very good at shopping...

Why did you do his shopping, let him shop for his own mum.

Because they choose to play useless so someone else does it for them.

@Lefteyetwitch I think my wording as mixed it up a bit DH was there when we went shopping so was DCs. It was DH that pointed out that the flowers were her favourite and also happened to be in her favourite colour.

@AnneLovesGilbert I take on board your comments, I just always feel there's something the DC need more than me. I have also mentioned pyjamas to DH many of times, Christmas, birthdays, mothers day but they never materialise.

@TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs I'm not entirely sure we seen DMIL yesterday and nothing was mentioned so I'm not sure if it was a last minute thing or he had it planned and just hadn't said anything. Oldest DC did mention about eating out yesterday also but DH never commented on it. I wish I had it in me to return the favour on fathers day but I don't have the heart to do it.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour [...]

Why were you going shopping for his mother?

If DH cannot get a card for his own mother, (whether that's because he couldn't be bothered or just didn't have the time), then it is absolutely expected that he wouldn't have got you anything either. Or that he would have taken your DC1 out to get anything. (It sounds like DC1 is still too young to have realistically planned and done it all themselves, so the blame is really entirely on your DH, IMO).

DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

This seems like you expecting your DH to read your mind. The only part DH actually heard was "while laughing I refused". We probably know more about why why you refused and what you wanted that he did. If the expectation is that he takes your DC1 out to make an effort and get something, then this expectation and the importance of a mother's Day gift to you should have been communicated. Unfortunately, DHs are not mind readers. Yes, they should probably "just know" and you probably shouldn't have to say, but if they don't know, they don't know, and cannot be expected to just figure it out with no direct communication.

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner [...]

Following up from the previous point, if you make it seem like you don't want anything but the kids to be happy, then it is not surprising that they may think that you don't want anything else, or that you don't care if you personally don't get anything. It also seems like they tried to fix it as best as they could with the card and chocolates, although it was already kind of ruined by that point.

Overall, DH will not understand what you want unless you communicate this. And DC1 has (seemingly) never "done" mother's day before and would not know what to do or how to show their appreciation on their own.

The way I see it, you obviously aren't just always happy when the kids are happy. You are not a robot that lives to serve. You are a human being with emotions, who works hard and wants to feel appreciated. That is perfectly reasonable. But for as long as you say things to your DH & family like "as long as the kids are happy" and put yourself on the back burner, they will understand that you want exactly that: for the kids to be happy, and for you to be put on the back burner. If you expect anything more, you should communicate that.

Your kids are watching you put yourself on the back burner all year, watching you shop for MILs favourite flowers for mothers' day, and watching your DH dismiss you after ignoring you because you're not his mother.

You can't expect your DC1 to make a fuss over you when they've not had any decent role model to follow.

Treat yourself year round from now on, and stop taking responsibility for your MILs presents.

The crying all day thing. What a drama.

My dh was trying to get me to get out of bed and make the tea this morning.
He'd totally forgotten it was Mother's Day
He also forgot to remind my two tween DC.
I thought it was funny. I took the piss out of him.

Last year he was suicidal . His mum knew he was going through a shit time with his mental health. He forgot to send a card and she gave him the most god-awful guilt trip. All it has done is make us resent her when she should have been being a bit more understanding but no we get emotional blackmail. Feels like that was what you were doing to your DH and older DC to me.

@HelloBunny I wasn't even asking him to pick anything tbh DC1 is old enough and knows me so even taking DC1 away and allowing them to pick something for me I would have been happy with. This could have been done on Saturday while we were getting DMIL but the care just obviously wasn't there.

@HaveSomeIntrospect I didn't, my wording wasn't the best but DH, DCS and I all went shopping together.

I think you may need to pick your bar up from the floor.

I’m so sorry 😢like you say some people got nothing but that doesn’t make this any better. It’s the lack of care that hurts.

Next time definitely let him shop for his own Mother if he cares so much about her and definitely return the favour on Father’s Day!

Adults don't usually cry because they didn't get a card.

This

Just don’t do anything for him anymore, no Father’s Day, birthday or Christmas. And when he questions it say I am not your mother so won’t be do8ng your present shopping, or buying you anything