To expect a bit more of an effort.

[M23D]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

Absolutely correct, it's something a father does for his dc not for his wife/partner.

My DP and his exWs new DH both had a hand in making sure his DD had a nice present for her mother yesterday, because they're both well brought up fully grown men.

I had to ask outright if DP was going to wish me a happy Mother’s Day! Got a card very late in the day from him that had clearly been written by his mum (signed by him and DD) but literally nothing else . Apparently DD had made me a card but she couldn’t find it . I have zero expectations but will just remember it on Father’s Day…..

That's my view. People should show they care about their mothers all year round, not on some designated day.

The number of threads on here from women complaining about how upset they are is staggering.

Death by a thousand cuts - why so many relationships and marriages fail. So many seemingly trivial events, year on year, mounting up over time.

Tell your husband he needs to transfer to you the cost of yesterday's meal since you paid and you should not be expected to do so on MD, nor pay for him and HIS mother's!

Stop doing 'wife' work for him in future. Let him sort his own card/present buying. And tell him how let down yesterday's lack of effort has made you feel and you expect better from him going forward.

Stop being a doormat all year round. Show him the same lack of care on Fathers Day that he showed you.

I bet you do neither of these things.

Yanbu I had a similar day! We also did the whole visit his mum with flowers and chocolates. My son is 3 and although he was encouraged to say happy Mother’s Day and I got a moonpig card everything else for Mother’s Day was my doing. I suggested a week ago we go out for tea because and I quite what I said ‘I am not cooking AGAIN as always as that’s become my job rexently!’ everywhere was booked apart from my partner luckily finding a spot at a nice little pub we used to go to after our sons scans etc when I was pregnant. 1 month ago I said I need some new trainers, why not get me some for Mother’s Day (I needed them too m current set are knackered! So not even a gift I should have just bought some months ago) so I sent him a link to several pairs (all around £25 not crazy ones) Saturday we go out looking and in the shops they’re all £40-50 plus which is more than I’m willing to spend on myself for trainers. Decided late Saturday I would book myself a massage for Mother’s Day because I couldn’t take the look of panic in my partners eyes about his lack of thought and effort on behalf of our son. Woke up Mother’s Day (me with our son) seen my bum to be honest with you I couldn’t hide it although I tried. We ended up going somewhere else to look for trainers before we went for tea so I got my Mother’s Day present at 4.25 5 mins before the shop shut and he sent me to the bloody till with them whilst he took our son back to the car. It put me in a better mood but I told him for Father’s Day I’m buying nothing and we will go out on the day to get something and I’ll be booking a table at wherever has space a week before. I’m not stressing myself out trying to get him something nice if he can’t reciprocate the effort! I feel like I do so much for our family even a £5 bunch of flowers from the supermarket would have been appreciated!! We’ve had a lot going on the last 12 months and I was so disappointed to not get a token of appreciation from him. He is usually pretty good so i have given a bit of a pass on this I feel but I split up with him several times in my head across the day yesterday haha

I think the problem here is that you’re placing too much emphasis on the day - you shouldn’t be coming last all year to then feel appreciated for one day! Your husband should have done more (anything?!) and your eldest is of an age where he can take some responsibility for this, otherwise he’ll be the same kind of husband to his future wife as well! My husband is pretty useless and didn’t get me anything either, but he knew the kids had made stuff at school and did take them off to do their activities so I could have a rest in the morning. It’s something hey! To me, this post is about recognition for your year long hard work.. you didn’t get it. So do less and put yourself first for a change. I’ve struggled with this balance for years and I’m still not great at it, but instead of asking my husband if I can go get a bubble bath or can I just pop out for whatever, I tell him now that this is what I’m doing. I’ve started to reclaim my freedom and that’s made a huge difference to my self worth. It wasn’t that he forced me into this persona, I just think women naturally do fall into it and men will quite happily go along with it. Hope you’re feeling a bit better today - I know how disappointing it is x

After a birthday this week ( DS ) and a family drama, I told my DH very clearly that if he ran around trying to do mothers day - I would be fuming with him! There is nothing that he could do yesterday, along with my boy to make me feel any more loved than I do everyday. I always question the relationships of people who " need" these things ( don't get me started on valentines! ) in order to feel validated.

I understand not everyone can think like that! And I'm so sorry that it all made you feel so dreadful. But why are you also criticising him for sorting his own mum out so well? Isn't that the adult you want your children to be? Life must be exhausting with 2 kids under 5 and a preteen! Cut him some slack, take responsibility for your own needs ( go and treat yourself!) And don't worry to much about fathers day!

Your husband is a dick. Please ignore Fathers Day and buy yourself something nice and expensive. And never shop for MIL again.

People treat you how you let them treat you.

@billy1966 has it spot on.

You are a doormat and a martyr and you are letting your kids know that it is acceptable to be treated badly by those who should care about you the most.

Your husband sounds like he doesn't even like you and treats you with complete contempt. Probably because of how you act.

Pick your bar off the floor and start to value yourself.

Every word of this. Your DH is training your kids to be shit partners too.

YANBU. My 16 year old son went into the town centre, out of his way, after Sixth Form on Friday to get me a Mother’s Day card and present with his own money. If a child can do it, then there’s no reason your husband can’t.
I’m sorry it wasn’t a great day for you but Happy Belated Mothers Day from one Mum to another 💐

You are not being unreasonable, my DD is 12 and my partner always reminds her to make a card and gets a gift for me himself. I booked the meal out for my mum, myself, DH and DD but my DH paid. It is absolutely his responsibility to encourage your children to show appreciation to you not just on Mother’s Day but all year.

Its so callous and disrespectful to be so blasé about it, your children are watching and learning how to treat others from the both of you. Perhaps the reason your eldest DC didn’t make a fuss is because of the lack lustre attitude of your DH. I’m sure if his own mother realised what little effort he put in towards you she’d be ashamed of him. I do wonder had you not gone shopping with him, if his mother would of received a decent card and gift. It sounds more like you’re the one who put the effort in for your MIL.

Is he like this on other occasions like birthdays and Xmas? Or was this a one off? If it’s a pattern of behaviour then you need to put more value on your own needs and feelings. We all put our kids as the priority but that doesn’t mean you have to push down your emotions and needs. We all need and deserve to be appreciated by those we care about especially by our other halves. It sounds very much like he doesn’t put any effort in at all, telling you to pick your own card?! Not buying you a gift before they day and not automatically making that dinner out for you as well as his mother is just not good enough.

If I were you, when it comes to Father’s Day what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Don’t get him a card or gift and don’t book any meal or trip out for him. Don’t remind your children to acknowledge Father’s Day and see if he thinks it’s your responsibility to make Fathers Day special for him. Hopefully if he gets a dose of his own lack of effort he might understand just how awful he made you feel and how lazy and childish his actions were. Most importantly he may realise what a poor role model he was to his children and what a bad example he set for them.

Really sorry you had such an awful day and I hope next year you will get the day you deserve.

This with bells on! He can sort out everything for all members of his own family in future!

I’m sorry it wasn’t the day you would have liked, unfortunately it’s the same for many as lots of men are tbh crap.

In future treat yourself to what you would like, don’t wait for what you won’t get.

Repay him with the same effort he has shown you and do not feel bad about it, if he asks them tell him, behaviour breeds behaviour….Fathers day make plans with friends and leave him with the kids for the whole day, that’s his present if he asks.

I never get anything from mine as i am a single mum, their dad never ever does anything from them, not even a handmade card and didn’t when we were together, so I treat myself every year to something I would like.

I tell them it’s a gift for me to be there mum every day and they tell me they love me every day, I don’t need anything else.

Your husband is slack.
Your kids need him to remind them to get you breakfast in bed with a flower or home made card and for everyone in the house to say,"Happy Mothers'Day".
Any thing else is not really needed but is appreciated.
It's a day when the thought really does count and if the thought is missing .. woe... not nice for Mum.
Kids' home made gifts might not stretch to pyjamas - unless they can knit.
Buy your own pyjamas with a slogans saying ..
My husband is slack
My children forget I'm their Mother.

My DH was out of the country yesterday. Was lush as I planned myself a perfect day. Kick him out of the house next year or plan a day with some pals and have a day off.

Honestly after many years of disappointing MD’s it’s the way forward. Take a leaf out of the Miley Cyrus playbook 😆

Your not being unreasonable at all! Is it not a given that husbands pick up something for the mother of their children as children are too small and don't have the money themselves to do it. No one is expecting a diamond ring but a box of chocolates and a wee card are token gestures to make mummy feel appreciated! I was spending mothers day with my own mother this year and so told my husband not to bother with anything for me as that in itself was something i wanted to do and havent been able to for years due to living quite far away. I still came home to beautiful flowers chocolates and a precious card. My head says total payback on fathers day but in my heart I know I wouldn't do it on my children to not have something to give daddy on fathers day. There would 100% be no special treatment though for sure. Go today and buy yourself those nice pyjamas and a box of yummy sweets and treat yourself ♥️

I'm a single parent and I get nothing. I absolutely hate Mothers Day. It's depressing, just like my sodding birthday. I ideally want to train myself to not care about it at all, but I'm constantly reminded. It's so depressing

YANBU. I would also be really upset my this.
I disagree with the comments saying you should do the same on Fathers Day though as you will end up in a ‘tit for tat’ war which will only damage your relationship.
I would tell DH how this has made you feel, make an effort in Fathers Day and remind him then that this is the sort of thing you would like on Mother’s Day. If he then does the same next year he is probably a tool.

You know the bar is beyond low when my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-BIL can see that as the young child's father it's his responsibility to step up on Mother's Day and your, supposedly normal, DH can't. This line made me groan out loud DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

YANBU to be upset.

Thats awful, he could've been way more thoughtful and its his job to sort out cards and gifts from kids till they are old enough to do it independantly. I would have cried too.
Have a hug.
Xxxx

TheMatriarchy · Yesterday 22:25
June 18th is not far off. Make sure you return the favour.

yes I definitely agree. My partner made no effort last year. I was so hurt. Especially when your seeing lots of happy posts on Facebook. I also made the effort for years on Father’s Day buying cards gifts from his son, my stepson, for him. Now he has two kids with me. Well roll on Father’s Day last year and I made minimum effort. Now this year he bought me flowers, card and payed for a meal for next week with my sister.