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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a bit more of an effort.

222 replies

M23D · 19/03/2023 21:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 20/03/2023 16:02

@M23D

stop being a Martyr to your kids

buy things for yourself when you want to not relying on them to do it for your birthday or Mother’s Day of whatever

it’s is not a case of ‘so long as the kids are happy’ your happiness matters every bit as much as theirs

it is not selfish or self indulgent to expect cards gifts acknowledgment for things like your birthday and Mother’s Day

it would do your husband and kids good for you to express your irritation and disappointment to them

BeachBlondey · 20/03/2023 16:09

showusyerkiev · 19/03/2023 22:44

The crying all day thing. What a drama.

My dh was trying to get me to get out of bed and make the tea this morning.
He'd totally forgotten it was Mother's Day
He also forgot to remind my two tween DC.
I thought it was funny. I took the piss out of him.

Last year he was suicidal . His mum knew he was going through a shit time with his mental health. He forgot to send a card and she gave him the most god-awful guilt trip. All it has done is make us resent her when she should have been being a bit more understanding but no we get emotional blackmail. Feels like that was what you were doing to your DH and older DC to me.

Just because your expectations are on the floor, doesn't mean that other people feel the same. It's Mother's Day. It's been advertised for at least a month. Everyone knows it's Mother's Day, unless they've been living in a hole.

It's not funny, if the people that are meant to love you the most, can't be bothered to get to a shop and buy you a card, some flowers and chocolates (or whatever) and make you feel spoiled, on ONE day of the year.

Unless there are money worries at play, the only reason that a Mother gets nothing on Mother's Day, is because her DH or DC can't be bothered to make the effort. Which is shit.

ClaribelLowLieth · 20/03/2023 16:09

I'm actually pretty impressed that your DH knows his DMs favourite colour and favourite flowers

BeachBlondey · 20/03/2023 16:14

And if you get him anything for Father's Day, you are a FOOL.

CandlelightGlow · 20/03/2023 16:15

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/03/2023 22:46

Adults don't usually cry because they didn't get a card.

The obvious answer is that these reactions are symptomatic of the relationship dynamic.

Last year, I completely forgot about Father's Day. DP joked about it, I gave a mortified "oh my god, sorry!" etc, and we joked about it when Mother's Day approached this year.

If I was consistently negligent of him, gaslit his needs and made it clear he wasn't a priority, it wouldn't be hard to see why his reaction would be much different. In a vacuum it might come across as "dramatic" but the reality is it would be more of a final straw.

OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong or brought this on yourself in terms of your DH. With your DC, you both need to work together to model expectations and you need to shield them less from the fact that you're a human with your own wants, needs and feelings (in an appropriate way).

But with your husband, his excuse was pathetic, puerile and ugly. "You're not his mother". No shit. You're the mother of his children. Don't mope with a man like this, you need to be direct and not passive. Don't let him dodge this.

CandlelightGlow · 20/03/2023 16:18

I actually wish people would stop telling women in situations like these to "buy it for themselves, you're capable" etc etc.

Stop perpetuating the idea that only women can be caring, thoughtful and not fucking useless.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 16:29

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

This is your problem - you don't value yourself which is why others don't value you.

Why don't you buy yourself stuff you want or need?
Why are you teaching your husband and kids that you don't matter?

Put it this way - you spend 364 days a year putting yourself last and allowing your DH and children not to value you - why would that change on the 365th day?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2023 16:30

ClaribelLowLieth · 20/03/2023 16:09

I'm actually pretty impressed that your DH knows his DMs favourite colour and favourite flowers

What on earth is impressive about that?

Maireas · 20/03/2023 16:35

HelloBunny · 19/03/2023 22:37

While shopping for MIL, I would have just pointed to the card / gifts I wanted & said, I want that. Most men aren’t very good at shopping...

Oh, I think they're good at shopping when they need to be....

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/03/2023 16:37

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/03/2023 23:20

@IWineAndDontDine op is being dramatic. Mumsnet is full of people crying and shaking today because mothers day wasn't the fabulous experience they think they deserve.

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea

most mothers do deserve a fabulous experience on mother’s say

Maireas · 20/03/2023 16:39

BeachBlondey · 20/03/2023 16:14

And if you get him anything for Father's Day, you are a FOOL.

Just say, "you're not my Dad"

raincamepouringdown · 20/03/2023 16:40

Do NOTHING for your DH on father's day. Nothing.

Tell the children to go see him in the morning ... heck don't even be home ... spend the weekend elsewhere with a friend. Let him deal with the lot of them on his own with little warning.

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 16:40

YANBU OP and for those who are saying about communication, how thick do you have to be to not register your involvement as a Dad when the youngest two aren't even old enough to wish their Mother a happy Mother's day.

My DH still has a word with my 15 year old DS, he took him to the shops on Saturday to buy me some fancy slippers. He bought a canvas for my youngest who wanted to do a painting for me. He also bought those cards make/draw your own and due to the time taken on the canvas and my DD's long time spent on it, I think he sketched a bit of the card for her, to be fair he can draw as he is an Architect but even so he would ensure their appreciation.

raincamepouringdown · 20/03/2023 16:40

Oh, and for the life of me, why the fuck did you do his mother's day shopping for his mother for him?? She's not your mother.

You've married an arse.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/03/2023 16:47

showusyerkiev · 19/03/2023 22:22

Sorry but I think you are being a bit ott here.

Why is being upset at the fact that your family have just shown you how much you’re taken for granted, being OTT ?

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 16:47

TheGrimSqueakersFlea, not crying or shaking here as I do get the Mothers' day I deserve without fail! I definitely deserve it as well DH knows! He is the one with the money/guidance to make it happen and it is not exactly to much too ask.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/03/2023 16:48

It's not the gifts or lack of, but the attitude. "You're not my mother." ????
Shouldn't your DH be celebrating you as the mother of your DC and teaching your children to do the same? I don't get it. And I'm sorry you had a shit day and were made to feel an afterthought. 💐
People that love and care for one another look for, and look forward to, opportunities to make each other feel special.

Rosscameasdoody · 20/03/2023 16:49

ClaribelLowLieth · 20/03/2023 16:09

I'm actually pretty impressed that your DH knows his DMs favourite colour and favourite flowers

Yep, and totally unimpressed that he couldn’t be arsed to show the same interest for his WIFE.

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 16:50

TheGrimSqueakersFlea, I cry when I've been upset by actions/inactions of others as I'm not emotionally repressed.

Slutdrop · 20/03/2023 16:51

Same thing happened to me about 15 years ago. I came downstairs and there was no card, no flowers, not even a Happy Mother's Day from any of my kids. I had a go at my then DP and he quickly nipped to the shop for flowers and a card which the kids all hurriedly signed whilst I was in the kitchen. They came into the kitchen with the flowers and said Happy mother's day. I've never in my life been so cross (and even to this day I feel bad for what happened next) when I told them to Fuck Off and threw the flowers and card in the bin. I was so devastated and hurt that no one had remembered. I then took myself to the pub for a Sunday roast and had a few drinks then I went to the cinema to watch a film I'd been wanting to watch. That was about 15 years ago and they've always remembered Mother's Day ever since. Think I scared them into remembering as it was so out of character! I'm still ashamed of what happened to this day

LouLou198 · 20/03/2023 16:53

Aw OP I can sympathise. I have spent many a Mother's Day in the bathroom in tears after similar situations.
I took matters into my own hands years ago. I save a bit of money each up then spend £100 on myself the week before! I've had spa treatments, handbags and perfume. It's rubbish that more of an effort isn't made but go out and treat yourself and hopefully you will feel a bit better Flowers

Fladdermus · 20/03/2023 16:53

The whole 'you're not my mother' excuse makes me want to punch people. Yes, you're not his mother but you are mother to his children and what sort of fucking useless parent is he not helping his children to show their appreciation and love to their mother? I couldn't have given a toss about the half dead plant I got. But it meant so much to DS to present it to me and wish me happy mother's day. His happy, proud of himself face was the gift I wanted. DH took him to the shops to buy it for DS's sake, not mine.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2023 16:54

Went for the meal and I paid half of it.

WHY!?!?!

Stop being a martyr. If you're pissed off, speak up and explain why.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/03/2023 16:58

Fladdermus · 20/03/2023 16:53

The whole 'you're not my mother' excuse makes me want to punch people. Yes, you're not his mother but you are mother to his children and what sort of fucking useless parent is he not helping his children to show their appreciation and love to their mother? I couldn't have given a toss about the half dead plant I got. But it meant so much to DS to present it to me and wish me happy mother's day. His happy, proud of himself face was the gift I wanted. DH took him to the shops to buy it for DS's sake, not mine.

@Fladdermus

seeing as it was a gift for you for your benefit, why didn’t they buy a gift that would like?

some nice make up or a book or a pair of slippers or whatever

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 16:59

She shouldn't need to, like I said you must have the emotional intelligence of a snail if you think it is acceptable to not sort anything out for Mothers day where your wife/partner is the Mother of young children two of which are so young they aren't able to even understand!

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