To expect a bit more of an effort.

[M23D]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

I wish I had it in me to return the favour on fathers day but I don't have the heart to do it

Aaaaand that's why he gets away with it.

LTB!

@Emma3001 My wording wasn't great. We were all out shopping DH, DCs and I. DC1 is pre teen and on my birthday DH was working away DC1 arranged for my DM to take them out for the day to pick me up some things (off their own back) DC1 is generally quite thoughtful and was fully aware it was mother's day so I'm not really sure what happened today.

After refusing to pick my own card I did say to DH that DC1 could pick a card if he took DC1 out to do this so he was aware that although I was refusing it was because I would've preferred it to have come from DC.

Both DH and oldest DC know that I love pyjamas and slippers, we are forever joking that I live in them because as soon as I'm in the door it's pyjamas and slippers on. At Christmas etc I always say things like "I wonder if I will get new pyjamas" "I would love new pyjamas". Coming to think of it a few weeks back DH and I were shopping and he pointed and pyjamas and said do you not like any of them and my response was "yes I absolutely love those ones and mothers days coming up soon"

@GoldDuster This sounds exactly right. Once kids are dropped off at school etc tomorrow I think I will go and treat myself to new pyjamas and have a nice relaxing bath. Mothers day part 2 😁

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

People value you like you value yourself.
You need to start modelling more value to your family OP.
That paragraph read like competitive martyrdom.

Next year, tell DH directly & plainly what you want & expect him to do.
In the intervening 364 days, stop putting yourself last all the time. All it does is teach other people to put you last too.

Are you just going to pretend it totally about not getting a physical piece of card and not the fact she felt unappreciated by her husband and children on a day where even a small token of appreciation would have made her feel warm and fuzzy inside? Let's pretend it's just about a card to make ourselves look cooler and less "bothered" about the same things all the other women care about

YANBU-
I had a similar experience last year. I grumped about it and then just outright told my husband how annoyed I was about his lack of effort. Come Father’s Day I did absolutely nothing for him…when I would usually do breakfast and get small token gifts. He was fuming but only silently because he obviously realised he was getting his own back. He asked if I did nothing because of Mother’s Day and I said yes.

If I were you I’d stop buying gifts for his mum and do absolutely nothing for his special days. I’d also tell him directly how upsetting it is to have no effort put in.

@showusyerkiev I'm sorry to hear your DH was feeling like that and how his DM reacted but I was in no way trying to emotionally blackmail DH and DC. When I was emotional I took myself away from both DH and DC. Any conversation I had with DH regarding mother day wasn't in front of DC and when DC1 asked me to go for the meal I went along without showing how I was really feeling.

It’s shit and I’m sorry you get treated like this. I don’t get anything on Mothers Day either. But don’t ever shop for your husband’s mother’s Mothers Day presents again. He says you’re not his mother. Well your MiL isn’t your mother, she’s his, and he can shop for her.
“I wish I had it in me to return the favour on fathers day but I don't have the heart to do it”
No point “taking the high road” here, not with someone as unpleasant as your husband.

Yip

It's actually Mothers' day and not mother's day. I'm not being grammar police here bit rather it's a day for all mothers to be appreciated - not just your own so it doesn't matter that you're not 'his' mother, but you are 'a' mother, and one that should be especially appreciated as you're the one that is the mother to his children and you mother him too so that fact that you're not his mother is a lazy excuse.
My kids all made a card with their school/clubs and made me breakfast in bed (then tried to eat half of it, bit it's the thought that counts). Then that was that. Men get this wrong all the time - most women don't want much but an iota of the effort that we make to keep our families running on one day of the fecking year isn't much to ask. Even if that means just saying "happy mothers' day'. Yanbu.

@Daisymae55 that's exactly what it is, it's not really the gifts or lack of etc it's more to do with showing you care. I really wish I had it in me to return the favour on fathers day but it would hurt me to think he was sitting there feeling how I felt.

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea Probably not but someone who suffers depression and mental health issues who puts their all in to the upbringing of their children, who for one day out of the whole year thought that they may have been shown a little bit of appreciation does cry over not receiving a card.

@Tinkerbyebye I haven't the heart to do that to him.

Sound to me like op is generally being taken for granted and is giving way more than her partner gives (I don’t mean gift giving only).

I suspect Mother’s Day is just the straw that broke the camels back rather than the sole reason op is upset.

Waking up this morning to a prettily wrapped package containing those lovely pyjamas you pointed out previously would have made you feel on top of the world. Some slippers to go with them would have been the icing on the cake. Unfortunately it didn't happen. What can you take from this? You like to do things for them that you know will make them happy. It makes you happy when they are happy. These feelings arnt reciprocated.
Stop being a people pleaser and stop letting them take you for granted. I've done all this putting everyone before myself for years and it got me nowhere.

You sound like a really empathetic and caring individual

Sorry you've had a shit day OP.

Any man who makes zero effort for the mother of his children on the basis that 'you're not my mother' is an absolute lowlife. A poster on another thread has made the very valid point today that a father helping DC pick out gifts or create cards/messages for the mother of those DC is modelling care and thoughtfulness and consideration. A father who wilfully fails to do that - or who simply comments that 'it's a silly day anyway' or 'it's just commercial shite' or any other pitiful excuse for not being arsed to make any kind of effort - is essentially failing to model that care, thoughtfulness and consideration to the mother of his children. So he's a failure of a father in that regard.

That said, you do also need to stop martyring yourself. Have a bit of self-worth! As a PP has commented, reading your paragraph about 'as long as the kids are happy' is quite painful. Within reason, buy yourself what you want, when you want it. It does DC no good to 'want for nothing' whilst their mother denies herself everything.

@IWineAndDontDine op is being dramatic. Mumsnet is full of people crying and shaking today because mothers day wasn't the fabulous experience they think they deserve.

“Went for the meal and I paid half of it”

Not a trick question or making a point for the sake of it… but seriously - why did that happen?

Which isn't what's happened here.

“I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.”

Treat yourself like this, and you’re just telling everyone else to treat you like this.

Martyrdom isn’t a thing any more. They stopped giving out sainthoods for it a while back.

From tomorrow, decide that you won’t be like this any more.

@Testina,

“Went for the meal and I paid half of it”

Not a trick question or making a point for the sake of it… but seriously - why did that happen?

I was thinking the same.

@M23D, why did this happen?

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu I understand this just really didn't think I would have needed to point out to him that I would have like a card from DC.

@Weallgottachangesometime sorry you've experienced the feeling also, I tried to speak with DH but was made to feel like I was being selfish so I just took myself to bed.

@FictionalCharacter So sorry that you didn't get anything, here's some 💐 from one mum to another! It's more for the DC tbh I've always loved watching their little faces excited to give their dad his gifts and now DC1 is old enough to pick things it just makes it that more exciting for DC1.

@Sparklybanana homemade cards are the best aren't they. Your morning sounds exactly like how I would've liked mine. It doesn't need to be fancy presents it's just showing the appreciation. If I had gotten a "happy mothers day" I don't think this post would've been up it was the fact it hadn't been said that started me off.

Well you know what to do for Father’s Day
and any future holidays where he may expect something from the kids
he’s not your dad

Sorry this happened to you. In future, I definately wouldn’t be sorting his MD cards and things. It is true you arnt his mother so let him do it.
have you tried talking to DC about this? They might not have realised a lack of card made you feel so low as sometimes blotches could be hard to observe? And they might not have been interested?
make sure you don’t go to any extra effort on Father’s Day.