Page 7 | To expect a bit more of an effort.

MysteryBelle · 20/03/2023 16:59

Your dh is despicable ‘you’re not my mother’.

Teach your children to honor you on Mother’s Day with a greeting, a simple homemade card at the very least, and teach them to remind their father each year that it is a lovely thing to honor the mother of his children on Mother’s Day with some combination of a card, flowers, chocolates, and new pajamas or a nice gift.

You may never get his genuine sentiment since he’s a blockhead but you will know that you’ve been honest with your family regarding your feelings on this and that honoring you on that day is important to you and should be important to them.

This Father’s Day make a point to tell him he is not your father and do not encourage children to do anything. Next year, if he honors you, you will then
honor him as well. Sometimes you have to teach selfish people how to act because they don’t know how. And the only way to do that, for some people, is to show them what they did and how it feels and what the good way is.

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 17:01

That was about being a martyr.

Dillydollydingdong · 20/03/2023 17:03

Father's Day in June will be a non event! Promise? If I were you I'd go out for the day and leave him with the kids.

Eyerollcentral · 20/03/2023 17:03

M23D · 19/03/2023 21:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

You married an utter prick. Why did you pay for half the meal? Start setting boundaries as to how you expect to be treated OP.

Fladdermus · 20/03/2023 17:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/03/2023 16:58

@Fladdermus

seeing as it was a gift for you for your benefit, why didn’t they buy a gift that would like?

some nice make up or a book or a pair of slippers or whatever

Show quote history

My DS is autistic. The fact that he has gone to shop, chosen something himself that he thinks I'll like (even if I don't), and then presented it to me is the best gift I could have got.

BessieSurtees · 20/03/2023 17:06

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/03/2023 03:14

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

The correct response to ‘You’re not my mother,’ is as follows:

Damn right, I am not your mother!
If I were, you would have already been taught this.
However, I am the mother of your children. It is your job as father of those children to parent them properly and teach them to be thoughtful of others. Therefore, you need to help them chose a card and present and flowers for Mother’s Day until they are old enough to do it on their own.

I agree with this, ok some people may not be bothered about it but if it’s a tradition that you take part in then he needs to step up.

My DH always buys me a card and gift on Mother’s Day and thanks me for being a good mother to his children. Those DC’s are now adults and one of them is a single parent. My DH took our grandchild to the shop and let them choose a card and gift which they gave to her on Mother’s Day. He does the same for birthdays and Christmas.

Our DGC said they get pleasure from giving and seeing their mothers happy face, it’s a win win.

emptythelitterbox · 20/03/2023 17:08

Slutdrop · 20/03/2023 16:51

Same thing happened to me about 15 years ago. I came downstairs and there was no card, no flowers, not even a Happy Mother's Day from any of my kids. I had a go at my then DP and he quickly nipped to the shop for flowers and a card which the kids all hurriedly signed whilst I was in the kitchen. They came into the kitchen with the flowers and said Happy mother's day. I've never in my life been so cross (and even to this day I feel bad for what happened next) when I told them to Fuck Off and threw the flowers and card in the bin. I was so devastated and hurt that no one had remembered. I then took myself to the pub for a Sunday roast and had a few drinks then I went to the cinema to watch a film I'd been wanting to watch. That was about 15 years ago and they've always remembered Mother's Day ever since. Think I scared them into remembering as it was so out of character! I'm still ashamed of what happened to this day

Don't feel bad. They just had some natural consequences for their actions. It was much better for them to feel bad momentarily than for you to feel like rubbish every year going forward.

That's what it usually takes for men to get it.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 20/03/2023 17:08

I’m sorry but I think if you marry a man who can’t make an effort for his own mother and self proclaim to be ‘happy if the kids are happy’ you can’t be surprised by this. He is unreasonable but if you want change you’re going to have to redefine the lines. There is no man in the world for whom I’d buy a mothers day card for, stop taking in his mental load.

Starrynight73 · 20/03/2023 17:09

I had one of these husbands and got rid of him. Too many mothers days past by with me in tears. I also got the "you're not my mother" comment. If your partner and the father of you're children think so little of you that a) he even thinks it's OK to defend his behaviour with such a comment and b) are quite happy for you to be mother to him every other day of the week and c) make you feel bad for your rightful hurt (gaslighting) then you may want to re think your relationship. He os also teaching your children this behaviour is OK!!
I'm now happily engaged to the loveliest man who got me a card and gift from him just for being a great mum to MY children. It's only when you exeprience healthy relationships that you realise how much you settled and put up with for years!

LondonJax · 20/03/2023 17:10

My goodness the 'you're not my mother' remark would have got DH an 'oh shit' stare (as he calls it) ... and a 'chat' about respecting the mother of his child.

Stop running about after him OP.

DH knew, before we were married, that I only buy his family 'special' cards if I'm buying my family ones at Christmas. I don't buy his family's birthday cards or any gifts.

That's his responsibility as a) he's a grown up and b) I'm his wife, not his personal assistant.

I'll buy stuff on line at Christmas for his family, if I'm in the website for my family's gifts (just as he would) and he's told me what he's looking for. But other than that if he doesn't pull his finger out, think about what they'd like and physically buy it, they don't get I'm afraid. His problem. He's got a brain and it's not rocket science to organise your own family's gifts. Leave him to it next time OP - after all 'she is his mother...'

LuckyDipForTheEuro · 20/03/2023 17:30

YANBU - I'm sorry you did all the running around and got short changed. Fortunately me and my X husband are quite good at organising a card at least from the teenagers for each others birthday and mothers day and I give them a tenner and tell them to buy me something off amazon for birthday, can be anything they like but they choose it!

You have to be really clear about what you would like in advance, otherwise your easy going nature will probably just make it look like it's not an issue. That you are not his mother is bollocks - well obv you aren't but parents step in to sort kids out on these occasions, showing them what thoughtful behaviour looks like.

cruisebaba1 · 20/03/2023 17:57

Emma3001 · 19/03/2023 22:43

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour [...]

Why were you going shopping for his mother?

If DH cannot get a card for his own mother, (whether that's because he couldn't be bothered or just didn't have the time), then it is absolutely expected that he wouldn't have got you anything either. Or that he would have taken your DC1 out to get anything. (It sounds like DC1 is still too young to have realistically planned and done it all themselves, so the blame is really entirely on your DH, IMO).

DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

This seems like you expecting your DH to read your mind. The only part DH actually heard was "while laughing I refused". We probably know more about why why you refused and what you wanted that he did. If the expectation is that he takes your DC1 out to make an effort and get something, then this expectation and the importance of a mother's Day gift to you should have been communicated. Unfortunately, DHs are not mind readers. Yes, they should probably "just know" and you probably shouldn't have to say, but if they don't know, they don't know, and cannot be expected to just figure it out with no direct communication.

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner [...]

Following up from the previous point, if you make it seem like you don't want anything but the kids to be happy, then it is not surprising that they may think that you don't want anything else, or that you don't care if you personally don't get anything. It also seems like they tried to fix it as best as they could with the card and chocolates, although it was already kind of ruined by that point.

Overall, DH will not understand what you want unless you communicate this. And DC1 has (seemingly) never "done" mother's day before and would not know what to do or how to show their appreciation on their own.

The way I see it, you obviously aren't just always happy when the kids are happy. You are not a robot that lives to serve. You are a human being with emotions, who works hard and wants to feel appreciated. That is perfectly reasonable. But for as long as you say things to your DH & family like "as long as the kids are happy" and put yourself on the back burner, they will understand that you want exactly that: for the kids to be happy, and for you to be put on the back burner. If you expect anything more, you should communicate that.

The cat!😂😂😂😂😂😂

AuntMarch · 20/03/2023 17:57

I would be bit put out if my sons dad didn't help him acknowledge it, and we broke up before he was even born. We both take him to choose presents for the other for Xmas, mothers/fathers day and birthdays because HE wants to give them. I would be outright cross about it if he were actually my partner and knew what I do day in day out, and had even been told what I wanted!

Some people don't "do" Mothers/fathers day and that's fine. But the fact you do it for him means he knows they mean something to you so what other people do is irrelevant and shouldn't be what they base their judgement on. He should return the effort. He did it for his mum so that makes it even worse in my opinion. He is capable, he knew it was this weekend, he is an arse. YANBU.

But, if you don't at least have a conversation about this and change your own behaviour (stop putting yourself last to such an extent and don't spoil him when he can't even be bothered to buy a card!) it isn't going to change, because why would it? (It should, but it won't).

Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 18:10

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 19/03/2023 22:46

Adults don't usually cry because they didn't get a card.

Adults often cry when they feel taken for granted and unappreciated.

RemoteControlDoobry · 20/03/2023 18:14

Your DH should have organised a card and present for you but I think you’re teaching them to not respect you. If you put yourself last then they will too.

You’re an equal member of the family and have an equal right to treats. If it makes you feel better, I buy myself treats all the time….they’re one of the few things worth living for tbh. Two parcels from Vinted have arrived today and I also bought myself new sunglasses and I’m not well off. I got myself flowers, a journal and a nice magazine for Mother’s Day because I knew I wouldn’t get anything otherwise.

It sounds like your DH doesn’t respect or value you and this probably won’t change now, but at least you might learn to value yourself.

Enko · 20/03/2023 18:17

sorry your dh was crap yesterday op

2 things for next year

1
“Mothering Sunday” historically was about return to the community that mothered you. With all its varied folk. Of course it also celebrated your mum. But for those without a mother or who have lost children it still had a natural place - not having to make linguistic gymnastics to include them. It’s naturally about mothering not just about mum…..

and 2
for his " you are not my mother crap" clearly and calmly state
"Whilst I am not YOUR mother I AM the mother of YOUR children and I do the mothering in OUR house that has all got something to do with you so stop trying to side step"

Apairofsparklingeyes · 20/03/2023 18:20

You need to stand up for yourself. I would have gone out by myself for the day once I realised there was no card or present appearing for me and he said ‘You’re not my mother’. Nothing will change unless you communicate your wants and needs to your twat of a husband. He sounds very selfish and disrespectful towards you.

JaffaCake70 · 20/03/2023 18:22

Your DH should be teaching his children to respect and appreciate their Mother the same way he seems to respect and appreciate his.

LookingOldTheseDays · 20/03/2023 18:25

Testina · 19/03/2023 23:22

“I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.”

Treat yourself like this, and you’re just telling everyone else to treat you like this.

Martyrdom isn’t a thing any more. They stopped giving out sainthoods for it a while back.

From tomorrow, decide that you won’t be like this any more.

This.

No one is going to give you a medal for always putting yourself last. There won't be a prize for you at the end of it.

All there will be is a DH who has never bothered to make an effort for you (and got away with it), and children who have never been taught that their mum is a real human being with feelings who needs them to show her some appreciation.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 20/03/2023 18:26

Surely your DC1 could have stepped up! how old are they? Sorry not read whole thread.

also, why are you waiting around for Mother’s Day for new pyjamas? You really don’t buy yourself ANYTHING the entire year? But you paid for “half of lunch” - do you and your DH not share income?

billy1966 · 20/03/2023 18:27

sparkiesparkle · 20/03/2023 14:39

I'm a single parent and I get nothing. I absolutely hate Mothers Day. It's depressing, just like my sodding birthday. I ideally want to train myself to not care about it at all, but I'm constantly reminded. It's so depressing

I'd rather be YOU any day than sharing my precious life with a nasty prick like the OP married.

You are in a far better position than she is, than with that ugly 27 year old loser.

Be glad you don't have to face a waster like that every day.

💐

LookingOldTheseDays · 20/03/2023 18:32

So many women come out with this, "Oh don't worry about little old me, I don't matter, no need to get me anything, I only want the kids to be happy..." shite, as if there are medals being handed out for martyrdom. As if someone will notice how selfless you are and reward you somehow.

Well there aren't, and they won't. No one will prioritise you if you teach them not to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/03/2023 18:33

LookingOldTheseDays · 20/03/2023 18:32

So many women come out with this, "Oh don't worry about little old me, I don't matter, no need to get me anything, I only want the kids to be happy..." shite, as if there are medals being handed out for martyrdom. As if someone will notice how selfless you are and reward you somehow.

Well there aren't, and they won't. No one will prioritise you if you teach them not to.

Yasssssss!

Don’t see how anyone could disagree with this

Mojoj · 20/03/2023 18:40

You're acting like a martyr. Stop buying gifts for your MIL to help out your husband. And treat him how he's treated you on Father's Day. And if you don't want to do that because you're too "nice", then stop complaining because nothing's going to change and you'll continue to be the family martyr.

LookingOldTheseDays · 20/03/2023 18:41

Also, have you ever heard a man express those sentiments?

Has a man ever told you not to worry about him, that he never needs anything for himself, never needs a treat or some time to himself, as long as his kids are happy?

No!