To expect a bit more of an effort.

[M23D]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

You aren't his mother, you are the mother of his children. Does he not appreciate that? Does he not think he had a responsibility to set an example to his children on how to treat their mother? I've had the same mothers day for 14yrs. But that's because I stayed married for longer that I should have to a selfish ingrate.

Is he any better on your birthday?

I understand where you’re coming from, but the bit that made me think you’re being a bit OTT was that you put all your needs on the backburner, and it’s the only time in a year you buy yourself something new. No one likes a martyr - start looking after yourself and your needs.

😮😮😮😮😮

No you're not being unreasonable. Its such a lack of effort and consideration from your DH. Kids can't be held responsible, its down to him to encourage and make the effort. I don't get much (a fairly rubbish bunch of flowers this year bought by DH as child too young and a card) but the thought is there at least - my expectations are very low! I'd be very upset to not even get a card. I hate that he is disregarding your feelings around this, even though they got something in the end it was such an after thought. Tell him you expect better given everything you do.

Just so you know, if you do nothing on fathers day it won't make him 'feel how you felt all day'. Really doubt he's gonna cry so definitely just don't do anything for father's day 🙂

Make sure you give him the same treatment on Father’s Day…

My husband is very much the same, in fact, he pretty much does not participate in any gift buying/giving except for my daughter. I honestly think he has some type of high functioning autism or some such. My daughter is grown now but I remember one Mother's Day, my sister dropped off flowers for me but nothing from my daughter. I was very angry and upset and I told her that I thought I was a better mother than that and I should get some acknowledgement. Anyway, it never happened again. She always does something special for Mother's Day, often a beautiful hand made card (she is artsy), a gift, a special meal. I think you should make it clear to your family that you deserve to be treated well on your day, that husband should make the effort to take the kids shopping or even that the kids do something special on their own. Mother's do 90% of the child raising (at least that I can see) and deserve to be treated accordingly. Oh yes, my husband says the same thing, I'm not his mother! So you can bet when Father's Day rolls around I don't do a damn thing.

For those of you that think she is making too much of this, I wonder if the martyr syndrome is just to make everyone feel miserably guilty later in life. Women need to be acknowledged for the work that they do.

My (now ex) partner has been like this for the last few years. Used to be really good, the suddenly stopped putting any effort into special days. The crux came in 2021 - I’d asked him to please get a card from the kids if nothing else. All he apparently heard was ‘don’t get me anything’. Literally, got up that morning and said ‘I didn’t get you anything just like you said’. The spent the rest of the day scoffing on his phone about how every mother on his Facebook was bragging about the gifts they got, and how silly and sentimental they were. I ended up in tears, I never cry!

This year was the first MD since we split. He told me he’d got me a few ‘bits’ from the kids. They never materialised. Not even a sodding card again. But this year he will also get absolutely nothing bar whatever the kids make at school. It will actually cause upset, he thinks Xmas/Birthdays/Father’s Day are a great opportunity to get gifts/be recognised and have kind words said, he simply doesn’t care to think of anyone else during these times. Time for a taste of own medicine all around.

Sorry to jump on this - the term ‘high functioning’ isn’t really used anymore. But I also highly suspect my ex is autistic (both our children are and it is hereditary). But there’s no excuse when your partner has said ‘this matters to me, I need you to take that on board’. Personally I couldn’t cope with trying to bring my ex out of his own world anymore, but that is a thread for another time.

WTF... This not my mother thing is bullshit. You're the mother of his children?! And then he took his DM out but wasn't going to include you? Huh?! Gobsmacked. Has every mother's day been like this? What does his DM say? He clearly knows how to treat and even if he doesn't give a shit about you on mother's day, that is entirely not the point. He needs to put a smile on his face and make you feel loved and appreciated on behalf of your young children.

What a prick.

My mothers day was much the same. Partner forgot till I’d gotten up that it was mothers day. Told me to go back to bed for five minutes so he could bring a ceremonious cup of coffee in bed, but that’s it. Didn’t tell the kids it was mothers day so not even a happy mothers day from them… I was sad for a bit and disappointed at the lack of effort but then decided that the silver lining to this is that fathers day will be cheap and simple this year. Usually I make a cake and breakfast and buy a present from the kids for him. This year I don’t need to bother.

Yep don't do a thing for him. Take yourself out and do something fun.

Some of these posts are so harsh. Yes he should have got the kids a card from you, yes he should have made a fuss of you. Shown the kids how the special women in life get treated.
he is clearly selfish and isn’t willing to say sorry when he is in the wrong. Even my nasty ex gave the kids card and a gift for me. I also bought a few things I wanted and gave it to them to give to me.
It is totally understandable you are upset and anyone who says otherwise must be used to being disrespected too x

I don't think you should be ashamed, @Slutdrop It was a valuable lesson for your kids on how much it matters to show appreciation for the people you're closest too, and how hurt they can feel if it isn't forthcoming. They'll carry that lesson for life, and it will benefit their future families.

I haven't read all of your replies from others so sorry if this is repeated.

Your children are going to grow up not appreciating you, or treating you with the respect or kindness you deserve. They will also learn that this is how they should treat their future spouse. This is down to your DH. Your children use him as a role model whether you like it or not.

Do not accept this. Even if it's just a card, your husband needs to teach the kids that mummy matters and that you are important.

Do not buy him a father's day gift or card. No matter how guilty you feel. If he cannot empathise with how you feel after he's seen you upset and you have expressed how you feel, then he needs to experience it first hand. Then he might understand.

Do not buy him an anniversary gift if you know he's not getting you one. Do not get him a Christmas present from the kids.

If he asks why the kids didnt get anything for him for fathers day/Christmas, tell him you didn't think it was important, and that he made It perfectly clear earlier in the year. Its a little childish I know, but if he's not listening to you expressed sadness, or looking at your tear filled face, then you need to show him with actions.

At least then your children will learn that being treated like your feelings don't matter is not acceptable by someone who is supposed to love and cherish you. Please do not let them grow up thinking that is how their spouse should treat them.

I think that you have every right to be upset. A little bit of appreciation one day a year when you do everything for them for the remainder. Don’t listen to those mean comments - probably from fathers that do the exact same thing. Keep your chin up x

You are being extremely reasonable and have every right to feel upset, those are your feelings whether others agree or not. Everyone knows that children can be ungrateful/a little thoughtless (referring to your DC1 - I don't know how old they are) but it's definitely up to the parents to encourage and model grateful/kind behaviour. It sounds like you are doing that and DH isn't. I haven't bought birthday or mother's Day card/gifts for my MIL for a couple of years because I don't think it should be my job anymore (she usually doesn't get anything and it does eat me up the as the (not-so)dutiful DIL I am the one that probably looks bad). You're right to try to not be angry or bitter about it. But I would bring it up again maybe in a few days and explain again in as relatable way as possible how it made you feel. Ask him if he gets nothing on Father's Day and no mention of it, will he be alright with that? If he says yes - then so be it no Father's Day gifts bought by you (unless the kids ask I suppose!) And both your expectations are set accordingly for the future (also don't go out and buy anything on his behalf for his mother again.) She's "not your mother" after all.

This! His attitude towards the mother of his children is way off. It's not really about what you get or when you get it. If someone was appreciated 364 other days of the year you wouldn't get upset about Mothers' day.

Weird way to behave. Have you used the phrase "I am not your mother" in a way that has annoyed him?

Same. MN needs to start putting a warning label on these types of post as they are infuriating.