To expect a bit more of an effort.

[M23D]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

It's Mother's Day and easily googled.

But obviously it is about all mothers and the OP DP is just being selfish.

@M23D I know you don;t feel you could (and there were years I couldn't have done it), but you will only be given respect if you respect yourself.

It's also teaching you DC that Mum's (women) aren't important but Dad's (men) are. Despite the fact you DP thinks it's important to recognise HIS Mum, why is he not teaching his DC to respect theirs?

You're not doing anything wrong by stopping letting people walk all over you.

@M23D I’m another one saying you need to give your DH a taste of his own medicine. For Father’s Day, ask your DC1 (once or twice, but leave it at that) to get his father a card and write it from all the DC. If DC1 doesn’t remember then that’s not your fault. Your DH is not your father.

FWIW my youngest DS lobbed my card and chocolates at me - he is a polite and lovely person outside the home but needs to work on his behaviour to me, his dad and his DB. On a level I’m aware it’s pre-exam stress but it’s still not acceptable. That’s my whinge done.

YANBU. He is selfish and inconsiderate. He should be taking your children out and giving them a budget to buy you a card and presents. I should also add, my DC1 is 3 and capable of choosing a card. It should not be an after thought. He also should not be ignoring you, he should be grateful for everything you do for his children (and him). This is the one day of the year you can legitimately expect to be treated like a queen. I’m sorry he can’t see that ☹️

Now you need to stop bending over backwards to accommodate everyone else and take time for yourself. And as everyone has said, DO NOT shower him with gifts and appreciation on Father’s Day

Ah bless you - is there no other adult in your child's life who could fulfil that role for them? My DH did for a few years - I remember getting Denby glasses he knew I wanted on my first Mothers' Day - no recollection what I got after that lol! Once our eldest was old enough to choose gifts my DM took over the role, with zest!! So from when they were very small, they always followed tradition, and they always understood giving and receiving of gifts. They made little gifts and cards in school and in childcare - they used to present them with such pride and delight!!

Unfortunately mum passed away when eldest DC was only 9, but DC (now an adult) is the kindest, most thoughtful person with the most amazing ability to choose exactly the gifts you would have bought for yourself - brilliant at it!!

If your child/ren isn't/aren't old enough yet they soon will be and then just take them and let them choose and pay for themselves. Kids love that!

@M23D I honest think this is symbolic of something else. Your DH doesn't seem to have your back? He's pursuing his career at the expense of yours. He just expects you to do all the child stuff and house stuff too no doubt. I imagine he's earning considerably more than you are too, yet letting you pay half of everything?

I'd be telling him, if he doesn't buck up his ideas, that his mother who he clearly thinks so much more of than he does you, can have the fucker back!!! He's a cruel arse to have left you to watch while he carefully chose gifts for his mother in her favourite colour - fuck that, does he even know what your favourite colour is??

I havent read the whole thread but read your posts OP. I dont agree it is unreasonable to cry over a card. We all want to feel there is an effort made for us and your DH couldn't be bothered. I think explaining that to him is a good idea. He can decide what he wants to do from there. But you do need to stop being a victim here - forget it hurting his heart if you dont make an effort.

His mother is not your mother, but you still shopped for her. Maybe stop doing that?

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing.

I bet your DH wants for nothing too. And I wonder to what extent you allowed this environment to form.

I know too many women like this. "Oh just kick dirt in my face and I'll be grateful, I don't deserve anything, everyone else is so much better than me!" Not what they literally say, but they may as well. Very low self esteem and always thinking of others and chronically taken for granted, martyr complexes.

Stop doing everything for everyone, and start demanding. If your DH has to go shopping for his own mother (the horror!) he might get the bright idea to shop for you at the same time. It's not too late to turn this around. When you see something you like, mention it. Give ideas for birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day. Expect to be treated well and you will be. Maybe not by your current DH but you can at least give him the chance.

DH didn’t get round to sorting anything for me either. I ended up choosing some chocolates for myself on Saturday night, so the DC could give me something in the morning. What he did do is apologise, make me fancy coffee in the morning and then did sandwiches for a long walk in my favourite location. We spent the day having lovely family time, he encouraged the children to make cards and bought me a takeaway that evening. The Mother’s Day stuff is a red herring, it’s his attitude which is completely out of order.

Yup.

I love this

She really isn't.

Why do some women set such low bars for men?

You are the mother of his children!! That is a good a reason as any to spoil you /encourage the children to on mothers day- it's a celebration of mothers', even my sister bought me flowers as we were all having a family dinner. I buy my MILs card every year so I would be livid if my husband didn't do something for me. Also- my daughter is 5 and she knew it was mothers day and came into the bedroom whispering to her daddy "you need to get up and make mummy breakfast in bed", I think young children are capable of making an effort, (not sure how old your younger ones are, sorry if I've missed that) she presented me with the card she made at school as well as a painting she had just done at her craft desk (completely independently- no one asked her to). He needs to realise its a celebration of mothers plural. As others have said - I would be very tempted to ignore fathers day, go and see my own dad and thats it. Also treat yourself, don't wait for a reaon.

But surely he has always been like this? So why did you think this year would be different?

It sounds a poor effort from him, but J imagine it was the same last year, the year before, and the year before that?

so what are you going to do next year? Wait for more of sn effort against your better judgement, then get upset again. Or could you tell H and kids what you expect? Be clear?

start respecting yourself more, and stand up for what matters to you, and your family may start respecting you a bit more too

YANBU - It does sound like he cannot be bothered. However, I think some people expect an awful lot. Pyjamas is more of a birthday present, in my opinion.

I would have been quite upset to be fair. I think this depends on a lot though. Is he thoughtful and brilliant for birthdays and Christmas? If he doesn’t normally do anything for Mother’s Day then thats one thing; if he does normally do Mother’s Day for you and this year he randomly didn’t? That’s a whole other thing and I would be worried and upset. The whole “you’re not my mother” thing though is absolutely inexcusable to
me as you don’t do these things for yourself, you make a bit deal of Mother’s Day and Fathers Day for your KIDS! Just like you make a massive hoohah over Christmas for the kids lol what did he want your non-adult children to do? Go off with no money to get you things? SMH.

I completely second all of this!

Yep!!! 👏🏻

I’m really annoyed for you OP.

You’re not your DH’s mother, but you’re also not his bloody personal shopper, so next year he can buy shit for his own mother. And please ensure you do precisely the same for his Father’s Day. Cos you’re not his dad obvs.

Selfish people need to be taught a lesson. Don’t cave!! Hold strong. Buy yourself some nice tulips for Father’s Day and maybe a lovely bottle of bubble bath or similar.

I don't think you should have hidden your feelings so if you were upset you should have said to your DC1 and DH. Often they do come out with you are not my mother but I would have said that is no excuse. He is your partner and the father of the children so if you don't want them to turn out like their selfish partner you need to make it clear that you are as upset as they would be if you forgot their christmas or birthday presents.

Don't make the effort for fathers day. He obviously doesn't appreciate it or you. I would not have paid for half the meal either.

This made me feel sad. You might not be his mother, but he had a hand in making you one so should respect you as the mother of his children enough to show appreciation & teach them how to do the same. Its not like he believes its an over commercialised day coz he made sure his own mother got the token gifts. Literally a hand made card from the younger kids, some supermarket flowers or chocs as the bare minimum effort. I seen you said you couldn't do the same on fathers day but please consider maybe spending a little less on him then & treat yourself to those pjs!

Also nobody should be buying their MIL gifts or cards. Let these lazy men sort it out themselves. Luckily my DH never needed nagging in that respect either with gifts for his mum or me as we were the only ones he needed to think about . I did everyone elses presents for Christmas, birthdays etc and of course helping the DC get Fathers Day cards and gifts.

Indeed you are not your husband’s mother … and your DMIL is not YOUR mother. Either your husband ‘gets’ that and acts on it, or from now on you spend your time, money and energy on yourself for Mother’s Day. That’ll free him up to take care of his own mum. Also you probably can’t change your husband, but you can tell your children what you expect from them, starting with DC1. You tell them what you’d like. A handwritten card, breakfast in bed, a hug, a ‘happy Mother’s Day, mum!’, whatever you like. My birthday is coming up, they know I don’t need presents but that I like a card (home made is fine) and if possible some flowers. They know. I have told them. It works. Everybody happy. (I really hope you feel a bit better today, OP.)

You sound like a drama queen. I didn't get any cards from the shop because the children made there own at school. There the best sort. Dd made me a bracelet, got me a mum cup and mum necklace with money she saved off her own back shes 9 she had been buying bits from her pocket money. Dh gave her some money to get something when we did the food shopping and ds ( who was 14) contributed some money and got me some pjs.I had a lazy day whilst the kids did some jobs around the house. I didn't need any big gestures or meals out. Your preteen could have easily made the effort they didn't.

@Starlitestarbright You are saying it like it is almost nothing, when its exactly what most would want mothers day to be. "You sound like a drama queen but let me just list all the things my kids did that you would have loved!" 🙄

Her husband remembered to pick something up for his own mum, OP has every right to be gutted he didn't think he should help their own kids get something for her.

My DH is pretty useless at getting me cards / gifts for Mother’s Day. It’s a busy time of the year with work so he’s a bit all over the place right now. I bought myself a few bits from Boots and I got something for my own mother.

He always wishes me Happy Mother’s Day and says some nice genuine things to me about how he appreciates what I do for him and our DC. He also makes sure our children do the same. I would be very upset I wasn’t acknowledged on the day. I don’t really mind if I get a present or a card but it’s nice to feel special, so I’m happy with what he did.

I used to get a card or present for MIL but I don’t anymore. I leave it up to DH to take care of her. He rang her to wish her a happy Mother’s Day.

I’ve got a theory that kids don’t really like Mother’s Day because it’s not reciprocated. They respect birthdays and Christmas because they get to have one too. This doesn’t deal with the partner thing.