To expect a bit more of an effort.

[M23D]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

Well, if nothing else, there’s some good learning here for you:

1. You are not his assistant. He is a grown ass man and can manage his relationship with his mother without you having to step in to buy her stuff. That’s his job and his mother would really want him to do that, not you.
2. Don’t pay half for half the food on your special occasion. That’s a sure fire way to make you feel angry and upset. You either don’t go or you make the pay for the lot.
3. You know how your DH feels now about special occasions - he doesn’t care about them. This means you don’t have to worry about presents or cards for him ever again.
4. Communicate your needs clearly. Tell them what you expect on your special days. If that doesn’t make things better then you know to take yourself off for the special day and leave them to it.

the place we went to you use an app to order and pay so DH ordered soft drinks and starters and then I ordered mains and more soft drinks.

So you took your whole family plus his mum out for a Mother’s Day meal then. Not him. He must think you button up the back OP.

You've set yourself up by failure by having 3 kids with someone who's attitude is defensive and somewhat spiteful. You aren't his mother, no but you are his children's mother and that should mean something. If mother's day means something to you then it should to him. It's the lack of regard that is hurtful but you should be able to see that your child is following his model. What he should be doing is showing you some appreciation for everything you do for your children throughout the year but facilitating it now as the kids are young, he models good behaviour and then as they get older he can step back buying the gifts on their behalf and they can take over.

Most parents put the kids first but that doesnt have to stop you from buying yourself stuff. I buy what I need and sometimes what I want. If you be a martyr you'll get treated like one so stop. I wouldn't have gone off crying, that's insipid. I would have spoken to my dh like the adult I am and said that I was hurt he hadn't even mentioned mother's day to me or acknowledged the day.

Many people who get treated indifferently allow themselves to be treated that way. You won't change anything here because crying over it rather than dealing with it head on is rather pathetic and because for father's day you will still make an effort.

A rant can be good for you and if that's what this is then I hope it makes you feel better. For things to change you need to speak up and address his behaviour but I don't think you will.

Start putting yourself first sometimes. You don't need to be living such a servile life. Sacrificing yourself and your needs for your family.
Start by doing something you like and ask not to be disturbed.
Cook your favourite meals
Watch a film of your choosing
Go to places you want to go
This is your life too.

Time for a proper chat. He is the one who will model to your DC just how much you should be appreciated. No messing around about father's day, just a pointed chat about how unappreciated you feel, and how he has failed you and your DC by not teaching them.

OP you mention your wage but you also mention getting back into bed once DC are at school.

Do you feel like you have enough self worth in general and is the whole crying thing just that a lack of appreciation on Mother's Day was that final straw for you?

Is your job one that allows you to express yourself and get some self worth out of the home?

It sounds like you have enjoyed being the martyr whilst the DC were small but that it is time you started clawing back some of your own identity now that they are at school.

If you can't get a different job that gives you satisfaction, can't you do a course or something part time to give you validation and then use it for getting a better job once complete?

So many mums struggle to find themselves after being 'homemakers' and in the light of day it seems that you might be struggling to do so.

I hope this doesn't come across as unpleasant. I was a bit shocked at what I thought was an overreaction and I'm trying to help get to the bottom of it

It's actually Mothers' day and not mother's day. I'm not being grammar police here bit rather it's a day for all mothers to be appreciated - not just your own so it doesn't matter that you're not 'his' mother, but you are 'a' mother, and one that should be especially appreciated as you're the one that is the mother to his children and you mother him too so that fact that you're not his mother is a lazy excuse.

Spot on.

Even my 8 year old gets this. We went out for lunch yesterday and bumped into a few families we knew and he wished all the mums a happy Mother's Day......it's not a difficult concept.

The whole 'you're not my mother' is pathetic and lazy. He should be setting a better example for your children.

There’s a really easy, simple answer to this and the best part is it’s not even difficult.

Put yourself first.

Do you want your kids growing up and being second best to their partners because in their eyes “that’s the way it’s done”? Lead by example, you matter too.

Do bare minimum for fathers day

Sounds tough OP but it also seems that this whole mothers' day upset is the tip of the iceberg & that your dh is just not a very nice person

As others have said - this is your life too & you need to assert yourself now..

Could not agree more!
The angst that a 'no card, no acknowledgement' brings, or indeed, the outrage and 'devastation' when the present received wasn't up to scratch...

@IHateFlies if only it was as easy as this, I'm pretty much DCs main carer DH works long hours and occasionally has to do business trips away so my career works around the DC. If I'm not working I have the kids.

@showusyerkiev I mentioned getting back in today for 1 day only as I am on annual leave. I hydro work 5 days a week so some days in the office some days at home. I've been considering a career change but the thought of any change sends my anxiety through the roof. It would be a big change as I would need to go to university and also give up my current career which actually has great pay, benefits and when I finally reach the stage my pension will be pretty good. My career has been the same since before DC came along so as much as I am the "homemaker" I'm still working.

Make sure you do the same for Father’s Day and if he questions it say ‘you’re not my Dad’ on repeat. He’s a tit.

For everyone saying that the OP’s DH ‘isn’t a mind reader’ or ‘men aren’t good at hints / gift shopping’ - did you miss the part where he knew to buy his own mother her favourite flowers in her favourite colour ?!!
WHY do we insist on letting men off the hook in this way ?
OP, I know you’ll find it hard but I truly would not be doing anything for him for Fathers Day.
What’s he like at arranging gifts on other special occasions ?

Yep this.

Tired of reading these posts.

Women treated like trash but still going above and beyond for OH who actively encourages the kids to treat them like trash.

So you're working full time, bringing in a decent wage, paying half the bills, but still expected to be the 'homemaker'? Where's the 50/50 here? It sounds like your husband is a selfish twat to be honest, who is milking having a wife who is doing more than her fair share. And now, going by yesterday's performance, DC1 is learning some skills from him. It's no good saying as long as the kids are happy, if you're teaching them that this is how they treat their partner in a few years time.

There are so many posts like this along a similar theme. For what it's worth, here are my thoughts.

• expecting your family (DH/older kids) to make effort for you, to make you feel cared for and appreciated, DOES NOT make you entitled or unrealistic.

• if children are young, then YES it is ABSOLUTELY DHs job to facilitate mothers day for them. No it isn't spouse day, but it is about children seeing care and gratitude being modelled in their home and helping them to show it too.

• no its not a commercialised day unless you make it so. Most women on here are not expecting the moon on a stick. A bloody cup of tea, a card and and a £1 bunch of daffodils without prompting would at least show someone had cared enough to mark the day.

• for some women, mothers day isn't a thing. Now whether that's because they are just so used to the lack of consideration that they've stopped caring or whether they genuinely aren't bothered isn't for me to say, but either way, that doesn't mean that expecting your family to show they give one iota of crap on one day out of 365, does not make you "grabby" or unreasonable.

• finally, children learn by what they live. I'm sad at how many children are being surreptitiously fed the narrative that it's ok that mum's a martyr and its OK that we don't bother for her. I'm pretty sure if we tried pulling that crap on them on birthdays/ Xmas there would be a riot.

I am in a situation where my DH is really good and will always make effort and facilitate for my young DC. Consequently, my 6 year old this year got her crafting stuff out one afternoon and starting making me a card because she had been told at school/rainbows/somewhere that it was nearly mothers day. She ASKED her dad to help her make me breakfast this morning and she tiptoed out of bed to get him up without waking me. This isn't me trying to be smug and this isn't because my child is some sort of angel (believe me!! 😄) It's because for 6 years, she has seen my DH model and facilitate love and care and thoughtfulness towards me, and us towards her. She has learnt by what she lives. Appreciating and showing thanks and love to your family is normal to her.

So to all of you who have had a disappointing mothers day, I'm sending you a massive hug and a virtual bunch of flowers 💐 you are all amazing and deserve much more. Please advocate for yourselves and your children. Shitty, half arsed partners deserve picking up on it and don't EVER feel entitled for expecting a basic bloody lie in and a cuppa.

❤❤❤

So many shit, horrible thoughtless men on here. I hate reading about them.

I’m really sorry, OP. The whole ‘you’re not my mum’ when he has small children who need his help, is a load of shit. He just doesn’t think you’re worth any effort.

And what's worse is so many women feel they have to the 'bigger person' and not petty and still make loads of effort for Father's Day, his birthday etc.

OP, I'm sorry you feel so sad.

Unfortunately you have had three children with a mean unkind man, who felt you needed a kicking and took his opportunity.

Just like someone would kick an animal for no reason.

He knows well that Mother's day means something to you, but the ugliness of his character means he just has to take the opportunity to make it clear to you how little you mean to him, and to reinforce the point he buys twice for his mother.

A nasty mean man is what he is.

Any upset from you today will be met with further nastiness and accusations of being "too sensitive" no doubt.

He's a shit husband and I bet he's no great shakes as a father either.

A good father wants to teach consideration, kindness and appreciation to his children for all their mother does for them.

It is what normal decent men and woman do when they share a family.

Is it so hard to do?
Absolutely not.
Not for decent men.

The nasty ugly ones use it as an opportunity to hurt and diminish their partners, the mother of their children.

Unfortunately OP, you do sound like a doormat.
Much as you clearly love your children, modelling a dormat is not good for them either.

You only have one life and only you can make it better.

Write a list of everything you do for your husband and write a list of everything he does for you, and reflect hard on it.

There is nothing wrong in teaching your children manners, appreciation and consideration for others.
These are great life lessons that help them grow into decent human beings.

The opposite of their father.

Perhaps you need to seriously think hard about your level of sacrifice and selflessness.

It really doesn't do your children any favours to see their mother behave like the house slave and skivvy.

Let yesterdays upset mean something.

Stop giving this awful man you married, so much power over you and your happiness.

Start detaching from him.
Invest in loving and being really kind to yourself.

Very hard for your children to learn to be kind to mummy when Daddy isn't and mummy isn't very kind to herself either.

A wonderful friend of mine gave me a tape ( 25 years ago) from an American church where the preacher was speaking about the importance of mothers teaching their children consideration of others by mothers modelling kindness to themselves.

Sitting down and having a cup of coffee and calling it "mummy time".
Explaining to your children that mummy needs to sit and have 5 minutes to drink her coffee and have some quiet time.
My 🤚would go up and I would say its mummy time, give me 5 minutes please.

It taught them about having to wait, and that mum's needed 5 minutes too and about realising that others have needs too.

These are important things that children need to learn from us.

Wishing you well.

OP,
We teach people how to treat us.

You have taught your husband he can treat you badly.

You are allowing your husband to teach your children the same.

You are teaching your children it is acceptable for the person whobtreats them kindly every day, to be treated badly.

Look really hard at yourself.

Through your doormatting behaviour you are, together with your husband modelling very poor behaviour.

These messages of selfishness and little regard for others are what your children are taking from what they see at home.

Is this really what you want for them?

Women who are skivvies?

Men who are lazy, selfish and mean?

@QuackMooBaaOink Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Brilliantly put. 💖

This was more than just crying over a card, this was crying over the fact her husband showed a complete disregard for her … I would I’ve cried too, and lost my shit, then taken myself off out for the day alone !

I agree I'm afraid.

OP, stop being a victim and take control of what you want.

Go and buy yourself some lovely expensive pyjamas and slippers if you want them.

You're certainly not getting anywhere for hinting at things you'd like. Buy them for yourself. It's liberating. And stop putting yourself last. Your kids have grown up seeing you put yourself last, and they're following suit.

If you don't value yourself and show that you're important too then they won't learn to treat you with any value.

And Mothers' day is nonsense. Start asking for better treatment all year round.