To expect a bit more of an effort.

[M23D]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!

Done nothing but cry all day today at the lack of effort or appreciation shown on mothers day.

I understand some people generally do not get anything and I should be grateful but I can't help but feel absolutely devastated.

Went shopping for DHs mothers day gift on Saturday, chocolates and her favourite flowers in her favourite colour DH said to me a few days prior to pick a card for myself while laughing I refused as DC1 is old enough to have been taken to the shops and allowed to pick one themselves (pre teen). Me, DH and 3 DC were all out on Saturday so DH could have told DC1 to pick one for me then but he didn't.

Fast forward today I woke up with youngest DC while DC1 slept in. DH never spoke to me all morning, DC1 woke up afternoon and no "happy mothers day".

I'm a "as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

But nothing this morning no card and as I said not even a happy mothers day from oldest DC. DC 2&3 are too small to say it. DH didn't even encourage the kids to say it so I just left it at that and took myself to the toilet for a cry. DH noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong so I explained all I wanted was the kids to at least say happy mothers day and a card from them.

DH asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat with him and DMIL and DCs. Tbh I was insanely gutted about the whole no card situation so no I didn't want to go but DC1 asked me to so I put on a face and off we went. On our way DH and DC went to a shop and picked up a card, chocolates and flowers for me and another card and box of chocolates for DMIL (first lot of chocolates, card and flowers were given to DMIL last night) DC1 handed me the chocolates and card but the flowers were put in the boot of the car.

Went for the meal and I paid half of it. Got home and the flowers were placed in the kitchen not a word said from either DH or DC in regards to them. DH just keeps saying "your not my mother" and as much as I all ready knew this it was made very evident today with the difference in how we were both treated.

I understand this is more than most people may have gotten but aibu to be upset over the whole lack of effort and appreciation?

as long as the kids are happy" type person so anything I need or want gets put on the back-burner while the kids want for nothing. I really look forward to mothers day because I don't buy myself anything throughout the year so always look forward to maybe getting a new pair of pyjamas, chocolates or flowers.

wtaf you are a doormat! Everyone's happiness should matter equally. Urgh why do women do this and make theirs kids everything in their world whilst they sit in a corner.

Why the hell are you holding bsck buying things you need just so u csn be given it on a certain day of the Yr...you are not only going without but then setting urself up for potential upset. I cant eveb get my head around the fact you wsit all yr.

Then other comments you made...why are you sorting out ur oh mothers day present, did he tell you to..I doubt it. You just did it and now set a rod for your back. Again why do women do this I mean ffs set your boundaries people!

And all your comments about I cant not so fathers day for him blah blah...this is why your a doormat and treated thd way you are. Stop! Just stop being a people pleaser

OP there are some posters here with really low standards for themselves, and others that are really skilled in trivialising normal human emotions.

It's entirely reasonable as the lynch pin of the family to feel tearful when you have no acknowledgment or care reciprocated , for all the emotional, practical, financial and domestic support you will have provided.

100% what Spectr8 wrote.

I think people age a little bit weird about a day that means nothing. I celebrate my birthday and I won’t let anyone forget about that day. If I don’t show them and tell them how and what I expect then they won’t know how important it is to me.

Mother’s Day Father’s Day. Valentines dag are all pointless and people make such a big deal out of them

@Zerrin13 this is it exactly I love seeing them happy. I need to try be a bit more on my own side but I've been this way for so long.

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea if you have your own mental health issues you'll know that you need to see your GP often anyway so I appreciate your concern but im already in contact with my GP and other health care professionals.

@Testina the place we went to you use an app to order and pay so DH ordered soft drinks and starters and then I ordered mains and more soft drinks.

in The nicest possible way if you don’t just grow the sense of self worth to treat him the same way on Father’s Day nothing will change here. How is it so unkind, unless you genuinely think your dh is a horrible person? Since he did it to you? Just plan dinner with your dad on Father’s Day, and fuck off leaving him to it, drop a casual oh you could come as you get ready. Do not mention Father’s Day to your dc. Do not take them shopping. Just the once.

@Spectre8 pyjamas aren't something I need, I probably have more pyjamas than normal clothes they're just something I like and would like to be gifted. Birthdays, Christmas etc if anyone asks what I want I say pyjamas. I didn't go alone to get his DM her gifts he was there and he picked them himself.

@Cumpaniononmy I wouldn't do that to the DCs this year has just been a lesson learned but I wouldn't like to mention I was upset when the day is done now. Tomorrow is a new day no point in having DC feeling down about me feeling down.

@Codlingmoths I know everyone is different and react differently to different things as I've been told on here about crying over a card but It's more just down to how I felt today which may or may not have been an overreaction but regardless of that I know how I felt so the thought of someone else feeling that way instead of me picking up a card etc just doesn't sit with me, but it's clear that DH probably just expects the same treatment he gets each year regardless of wether its been reciprocated or not on mothers day.

@M23D:

the place we went to you use an app to order and pay so DH ordered soft drinks and starters and then I ordered mains and more soft drinks.

So you paid for most of the meal too? Even his mother? And he let you?

Why why why did you put half towards the meal?! Wtf OP come on! Do you honestly think for one second the way your husband has treated you today is ok? I cannot STAND posts like this, how can you even look at him? You deserve kindness, why do you accept this?
What I would do is sit him down and tell him you deserve more, that you deserve to be thought of. Do you get how unkind it was for him to go buy more stuff for his mother when he knew you were upset. That wasn't just thoughtless, he actively did something shitty to upset you!
After today, if you do ANYTHING for him on Father's Day then I don't know what to tell you. What message does that send to your children? Make the change! No one else will.
Sorry but how many posts today from women who love and nurture their family and don't even get a sodding card?! Its so bloody sad.

And yes your children do need to see how sad it had made you! It will teach them to make an effort for their loved ones in future!

Somewhere along in life you've learned you don't deserve anything.
Was there someone who treated you like that when you were growing up?

I'm guessing your DH has always been this way. Absent on your birthday. Expectation to shop and make a big deal for his mother.

His excuse that you're not his mother is just plain mean.

I'd tell him but you are a mother and the mother of his children.

Do you have access to any money of your own?

@Pansypotter123 yip, nothing was mentioned about it but his DM probably thinks he paid it all. She's elderly so doesn't understand the ordering from apps etc.

@jemimapuddlepluck oh believe me I can't, I've been in bed since around half past 7 as soon as DC 2&3 went to sleep. The whole buying his DM more stuff really threw me, I get the way he acted today wasn't right but I wasn't sure wether I was being unreasonable or not. I get some people don't get anything and other don't even acknowledge mothers day etc so at the back of my head I was thinking am I acting pathetic over an ordinary day.

Yes, totally!!

I would be upset too. Sorry op xx

I am sorry you were upset for the lack of effort by your family - especially your DH. But reading your responses - exactly the same thing will happen next year and the year after that.

You have said the eldest child knew it was Mother's day but you didn't say how old. I believe you should definitely say you felt sad that they knew it was a special day and they didn't pick out a card for you when they had the chance. How else are they supposed to learn. Your DH is sounds charmless - you may not be HIS mother but you are the mother to HIS children, absolutely you should do exactly NOTHING for Father's Day. That you have said, you could let him sit there with nothing does make you a martyr because he had no qualms in you being upset - he didn't even talk to you for the morning, nor let you lie in. And then he let you pay for the majority of the meal.

If you want things to change:-

Tell your oldest child and DH you felt let down by the lack of appreciation and effort.

Stop buying Mother's Day items for HIS mother.

Do not buy him anything not do anything for Father's Day. He needs to learn by example.

@emptythelitterbox pretty much my whole childhood. I fought really hard to get to where I am today, and I swore my kids would never feel how I felt hence the whole "as long as they are happy". He hasn't always been it's only really been the sort of last year. The birthday thing was outwith his control and he did pay for me and DC to go out for the day etc but he knows how I feel towards mothers day.

Yeah my wage goes into my own account his wage goes in to his own then we transfer our half of the bills to the joint account where all DD come out of.

You are not acting pathetic, you are probably acting a lot better than I would be 😬 I do get the whole 'it's commercialised bullshit' it is really 😂 but my god, I work my arse off for my family, I make sure they know that on my birthday or Mother's Day I expect a card, to not have to lift a finger and yes, to be pampered a little. My DH is on board with that too and makes sure that happens. He does that while making a fuss of his own Mum too! It's nice to show the people around you that you love and appreciate them.
You deserve that too OP. Please as of tomorrow morning, have a good think about you and your wants. You matter too. Sit him down and tell him things are going to change because I can guarantee that this isn't the first time you have felt like you are at the bottom of the pile. Good luck 💐

I get what you mean about not upsetting the kids too but it won't do them any harm. When my kids grow up and have their own families I want them to be good partners and parents. Sometimes life is so relentless it's nice to just stop for one day and be thankful. That's why I like to do something a bit different on special occasions.

@M23D in response to him saying that you are not his mother so he doesn’t need to make an effort, tell him you are the mother of his children and that should mean something to him.

You do deserve to be valued and recognised by your husband and your children.

I hope that you find some lovely new pyjamas for yourself and have a lovely day with your Mother’s Day take 2. 💐

Do I understand correctly you pay half? Do you and your DH make the same salary?

As long as the children are happy is fine but I assure you, they want you to be happy too in your own right.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

The correct response to ‘You’re not my mother,’ is as follows:

Damn right, I am not your mother!
If I were, you would have already been taught this.
However, I am the mother of your children. It is your job as father of those children to parent them properly and teach them to be thoughtful of others. Therefore, you need to help them chose a card and present and flowers for Mother’s Day until they are old enough to do it on their own.

Fuck Em, you're a great mum, get out there and buy yourself something you really want and then ignore Father's Day exists.

YANBU he's a selfish prick.
All that "you're not my mother" argument, no, you're the mother of his bloody children.

For the love of fuck do not get him anything for Father's Day. If he sulks tell him he's not your dad.

Arsehole.

I have always made it 100% clear that I expect a proper fuss on my birthday and Mother's Day. DH blew it a couple of years ago on my birthday. I mind. And he knows it.

I remind everyone with a postal margin and get one of the DC to check that DH hasn't been stupid.

That's what works for me.

He sounds very thoughtless like all these other unkind incapable men on here tbh.