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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs

283 replies

JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 08:54

My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 19/03/2023 11:54

QuackMooBaaOink · 19/03/2023 09:01

You say things are financially tight but you are booking a holiday, which you invited her on, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to assume you are paying. Especially as it's a cottage so costs the same irrespective of people. Honestly, asking for money makes it look like you've only invited her to get a cheaper holiday for yourself 🤷 I think if you wanted a contribution you should have made that clear at the start.

I agree with this. Sounds like you want her to subsidise a holiday that you are already going on with or without your mother.

thesugarbumfairy · 19/03/2023 11:55

I would say in this instance, YABU. This is because you invited her. You should have said at the time what you meant - that you expected her to pay her share.

With my (step)DM, she would have offered immediately to pay - but you have said that your mum has never helped you financially in the past - so I'm not sure why you thought it would be different this time.

Have you ever asked her for help in the past, or have you just silently wished she would offer? Because it just doesn't occur to some people, even if those people are parents.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/03/2023 11:58

Was she involved in the choosing of the holiday. If not, then I think it’s fair that she assumed you were treating her. In future if you expect her to pay look for a holiday together or when you ask if you want to join tell her what the cost will be. I don’t think you can book someone and invite them giving no indication of cost and then ask for money later

Notimeforaname · 19/03/2023 11:59

YABU.
Had you said to her "Do you want to come on this holiday with us, itll probably work out about €* per person, are you interested?

But you didn't, you just asked if she wanted to come with you and no mention of budget.

PuppyMonkey · 19/03/2023 12:04

You really shouldn’t have gone ahead and booked without discussing the costs first with her. However, could you go back to her and discuss her contributing to the food for the week/a couple of meals out? And then this might lead to her “offering” a contribution to the other costs too?

SnoringPains · 19/03/2023 12:06

I asked DH’s friends to join us on holiday as a surprise for his 40th, because I invited them I’m also covering the cost of the accommodation for everyone. They’re nice people who have offered to contribute but I certainly wouldn’t expect it, I’ve asked them to chip in to the food / booze budget for the week instead. I think if you ask someone along then you expect to pay and if they do contribute it’s a nice bonus. Just don’t book holidays you can’t afford in future.

CJsGoldfish · 19/03/2023 12:06

Were you hoping she'd subsidise the trip that you really can't afford?
You asked "if we go, would you like to come"? Not, hey, why don't we go on a holiday together. Totally different.

Hbh17 · 19/03/2023 12:11

But you invited her! If you wanted her to contribute, why didn't you ask her BEFORE she committed? This doesn't make sense.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 19/03/2023 12:15

If you'd have invited me in this manner I'd be expecting a free holiday, maybe because you offered her to come she thinks financiers aren't that tight if you can afford this. I'm afraid you've made a rod for your own back.

Maybe just ask her if she's ok to contribute towards food whilst your there. I think you'd be unreasonable to ask her to contribute now towards the cost of the holiday.

IlkaDoxie · 19/03/2023 12:17

I invited my mum on several holidays with us over the years. I would never have asked her to contribute financially, though she’d always pay for restaurants, shopping, etc. Now she’s no longer here I’m so glad to have those memories. I would suggest trying to focus on what’s important (which isn’t money) and enjoying your holiday with your mum.

Sarahcoggles · 19/03/2023 12:18

I can’t believe how many people think you should be giving your mum a free holiday!
Yes it was a mistake to go ahead with booking etc without discussing finances, but I would never expect someone to foot the bill for my holiday, especially if they knew I had some money issues.

SeeYouNextTLol · 19/03/2023 12:19

you sound wonderful. Great day to ask for it too. I don’t know how she brought you up without contributing financially? 🤪

Doodaadoo · 19/03/2023 12:19

Well, I don’t think you have a very thoughtful mum! Like you, I would not have asked my mum for money. So yabu asking for it now, which is what I’ve voted.

BUT if I were your mum, I’d have bloody well offered to pay my share, if I could afford it, and knew you were struggling. my assumption, with my own mum, is that she’ll help financially when she can, just as I’d help her.

Then again, that’s how I was brought up. It sounds like your mum isn’t the most generous, so maybe you should have known her well enough not to expect her to offer anything.

At the end of the day, I’d now possibly be blunter with her and I’d explain financial difficulties, and then see if she offers. If not, you probably have two options: suck this one up, or cancel the holiday and explain to her you sadly realise you can’t afford it. When I’ve been hard up, I’ve not had holidays, bottom line they are a luxury.

iusedtobeasize8 · 19/03/2023 12:20

Why are uou asking a bunch of random strangers on Mumnet? You should e anle to have an honest open talk about it - she's your Mum !

Maireas · 19/03/2023 12:20

IlkaDoxie · 19/03/2023 12:17

I invited my mum on several holidays with us over the years. I would never have asked her to contribute financially, though she’d always pay for restaurants, shopping, etc. Now she’s no longer here I’m so glad to have those memories. I would suggest trying to focus on what’s important (which isn’t money) and enjoying your holiday with your mum.

Exactly this. I'm a bit surprised by the number of people who wouldn't give their own mother a holiday! Not everything is measured in ££.

CrystalCoco · 19/03/2023 12:22

Too much guessing and assuming on your part. I'd suck it up this time and
'treat' your Mum.

From a lot of your wording eg we thought Mum would like, etc. it does sound like you want to treat her but just can't afford to, you've tried to do a nice thing but it's backfiring.

Next time be upfront from the beginning "would you like to share the cost of a holiday cottage in X location with DH and me" and involve her with costs from the outset.

SeeYouNextTLol · 19/03/2023 12:22

AgentJohnson · 19/03/2023 09:17

WTAF! Essentially you calculated the affordability of a holiday on a contribution you didn’t discuss up front. Don’t even try the measly mouthed ‘well she knew of our circumstances’, you knew of your financial circumstances but decided to book and pay for a bloody holiday. If you were expecting payment, why didn’t you mention it? I suspect because you prioritised yourself. CF at its finest.

This right here

Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23

Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.

saraclara · 19/03/2023 12:28

I think you all need to learn to communicate and not work on assumptions.

I'vee been guilty of this in the past and made my own mistakes. Now I make a determined effort to be more straightforward in my conversations rather than thinking I know how others feel.

PhillySub · 19/03/2023 12:34

She is your mother, is there a reason that you can't just say to her that you have messed up and can she contribute to make life easier.

JuneBridie · 19/03/2023 12:35

I doubt the op will be back, the consensus is pretty much YABU, kinda pointless posting it over and over again.

aureus3012 · 19/03/2023 12:37

I think you definitely should have mentioned it when you originally asked. Me and my ex took his mum to Fuerteventura a few years back, we invited her and paid for her. I didn't expect a pensioner to pay. My only gripe was that for the whole week, she only paid for 1 ice cream for our son despite me and ex also getting an ice cream at the same time lol!

I think you should suck it up and hope she contributes to food and petrol. Or you could say that you are very sorry but you're going to have to cancel a with the economy as it is you just can't afford it. You could suggest you go halves on a weekend break instead just for the 2 of you.

Folklore9074 · 19/03/2023 12:37

Ahnobother · 19/03/2023 09:21

Just ring her and say hi mum, the balance of the holiday is due now and your share is X, can you transfer it to me before Y so I can finalise the booking.

This. No need to overthink.

Shakespeareandi · 19/03/2023 12:38

YABU. You asked if she wanted to come along. No mention of money?? Why pick something 'thinking mum would like it" just ask her opinion on accomodation and cost before booking? If you are all sharing cost then decide together where to go.
Nah, don't ask her. Just see it as lesson learnt and enjoy your mum's company on holiday.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 12:43

If you're so massively over budget on the renovations, why did you book a holiday in the first place?

I just hoped she would understand our position this year is different to usual and offer to contribute, but she hasn't.

Well, if you don't talk to her about finances then she won't know.