AIBU?
To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 08:54
My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.
Am I being unreasonable?
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Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 13:17
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
I don’t think she assumed her mum would pay, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution if none is offered.
Ineedaduvetday · 19/03/2023 13:24
I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.
So your op should say:
My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we. But we assumed she'd offer to pay so that we can actually go on holiday this year but she hasn't. Now we are shtting ourselves as we actually have to pay as we did invite her but we were really hoping she'd contribute as we have made some poor financial decisions.
LadyMargaretDevereux · 19/03/2023 13:37
If I was the mum in this scenario I'd be quite happy for you to give me a nudge about giving some money towards the holiday. It's not always obvious whether your grown up dc are struggling financially or not and even so it's fair enough to pay something. Just ask her!
Chiccaletta · 19/03/2023 14:19
Agree with others.
Money needs to mentioned at the very start, if not, they are not expected to contribute at all as it's a guest invitation. Standard social protocol. Maybe try get a refund, and if you tell your mum you're having 2nd thoughts she might then offer to contribute.
uncomfortablydumb53 · 19/03/2023 14:53
You can't ask for a contribution now it's booked and as she hasn't helped you in the past money wise, it shouldn't be a surprise that she hasn't now
You've both made assumptions here
Is she likely to buy food or pay for meals whilst you're away?
I think I would discuss a food kitty before you go
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:13
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 13:17
I don’t think she assumed her mum would pay, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution if none is offered.
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
Her post says, ‘I assumed she would offer to pay her share’, so yes she did assume, read the OP properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 15:25
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:13
Her post says, ‘I assumed she would offer to pay her share’, so yes she did assume, read the OP properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 13:17
I don’t think she assumed her mum would pay, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution if none is offered.
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
It doesn’t actually say that in the OP but I’m laughing that you’re starting on me now 😂
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:57
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 15:25
It doesn’t actually say that in the OP but I’m laughing that you’re starting on me now 😂
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:13
Her post says, ‘I assumed she would offer to pay her share’, so yes she did assume, read the OP properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 13:17
I don’t think she assumed her mum would pay, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution if none is offered.
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
The second post but it was the words of the OP, I’m laughing that you chose to pick on a part of my post that you didn’t read properly in the first place 🤣
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:58
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 15:25
It doesn’t actually say that in the OP but I’m laughing that you’re starting on me now 😂
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:13
Her post says, ‘I assumed she would offer to pay her share’, so yes she did assume, read the OP properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 13:17
I don’t think she assumed her mum would pay, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution if none is offered.
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
It’s quite funny that you also think I’m starting on you because I said to read the OP posts properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 16:48
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:58
It’s quite funny that you also think I’m starting on you because I said to read the OP posts properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 15:25
It doesn’t actually say that in the OP but I’m laughing that you’re starting on me now 😂
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:13
Her post says, ‘I assumed she would offer to pay her share’, so yes she did assume, read the OP properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 13:17
I don’t think she assumed her mum would pay, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution if none is offered.
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
Calm down dear
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 17:24
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 16:48
Calm down dear
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:58
It’s quite funny that you also think I’m starting on you because I said to read the OP posts properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 15:25
It doesn’t actually say that in the OP but I’m laughing that you’re starting on me now 😂
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 15:13
Her post says, ‘I assumed she would offer to pay her share’, so yes she did assume, read the OP properly.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 13:17
I don’t think she assumed her mum would pay, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution if none is offered.
Coffeeandcake15 · 19/03/2023 12:45
The OP said she was booking a holiday anyway and asked if her Mum wanted to come along, so I’ll make the assumption she was planning on going anyway and planning on covering the full cost of the holiday anyway. If her Mum said no, she has not indicated she would not go, so to assume her Mum would and help pay is unreasonable.
Twiglets1 · 19/03/2023 12:23
Mumsnet is a strange place. I would definitely expect to contribute if I was going on holiday with my daughter even if she booked a cottage then invited me later. I don’t see anything wrong in the daughter asking for a contribution.
I am, I’ve actually had a really chilled day 😀
PinkSyCo · 19/03/2023 23:11
Your mum coming along will not make your holiday any more expensive, so I’m not surprised that she’s taken it as read that you are not expecting payment. I don’t know your mum but maybe she attends to pay you back in other ways-paying for food/taking you out for dinner etc. Either way I think asking her to contribute a third now is a bloody cheek.
ellyeth · 20/03/2023 19:07
I think you should have made it clear at the outset that you would want her to pay her part of the cost. I don't think I would ask her now. Perhaps she will pay for food, etc, when you are away.
If you ask her another time, just tell her what the cost is and how much per head it will work out at, and would she like to come. It would then be clear that she was expected to contribute.
Comii9 · 20/03/2023 19:10
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:11
I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.
We wouldn't have gone away at all, but thought Mum would like a holiday.
Obviously we will pay for petrol (4 hour drive each way) and will buy the majority of food/meals etc. I guess I just hoped she would understand our position this year is different to usual and offer to contribute, but she hasn't.
I agree with @RampantIvy . The first rule of holidays are discuss the details before booking. Honestly given the things you have listed and the location of your holiday... perhaps your mum doesn't think your struggling.
It's awkward because it's your mum too. If I were you I would tighten my belt and just cover the cost on this occasion but in future don't offer people to join you on holiday!
whittingtonmum · 20/03/2023 19:20
I think it did sound like an invitation when you first offered. You have also now booked the accomodation without consulting her on price or giving her an opportunity to find something better value for money or to better suited to her budget.
In this scenario I think you need to suck it up. I agree that it would have been nice if she had offered a contribution but maybe she was planning to pay for meals out once on holiday. Or maybe she wasn't planning on contributing anything thinking she was invited.
Given how you have approached on assumption rather than making expectation clear and that you have given her no say on the price of the accommodation you have chosen you need to fork out and chalk it up to experience. Given that she rarely if ever has offered you money in the past her behaviour seems in keeping with her general character.
Next time (is there is a next time) you will know to approach it all differently from the outset.
oosha · 20/03/2023 19:25
To be honest the way you write it sounds as though you are inviting her on holiday and not that you are expecting her to pay towards it. I think it’s too late to expect her to pay now. Plus why should she even have to think about your renovation, vet bill and new car etc, you are an adult aren’t you and it’s not her responsibility. YABU.
Woopzies · 20/03/2023 19:26
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:16
But if someone asked if I wanted to go away with them, I wouldn't assume they were paying? Even if I did, I would still offer a contribution.
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2023 09:14
Why did you invite her away with you if you weren't willing to cover the costs?
There's a difference when that person is your parent.
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