AIBU?
To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 08:54
My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.
Am I being unreasonable?
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JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:16
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2023 09:14
Why did you invite her away with you if you weren't willing to cover the costs?
But if someone asked if I wanted to go away with them, I wouldn't assume they were paying? Even if I did, I would still offer a contribution.
AgentJohnson · 19/03/2023 09:17
WTAF! Essentially you calculated the affordability of a holiday on a contribution you didn’t discuss up front. Don’t even try the measly mouthed ‘well she knew of our circumstances’, you knew of your financial circumstances but decided to book and pay for a bloody holiday. If you were expecting payment, why didn’t you mention it? I suspect because you prioritised yourself. CF at its finest.
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:17
JMSA · 19/03/2023 09:15
It's an awkward one because you invited her, but obviously the decent thing for her to do is to offer to contribute! Did you have to get a bigger cottage, or is she on a sofa bed in the lounge?
We booked a 2 bed cottage and made sure she has her own bathroom for privacy. We selected somewhere we thought would appeal to her.
I guess I just thought she may offer to contribute.
StarmanBobby · 19/03/2023 09:18
How much more has the holiday cost, with you inviting her? Is it a third more than you would have paid?
or can you afford to pay for the accommodation but suggest to her that she chips in for food, meals etc?
Don’t fall out over money - it’s not with it. However my DDad would have asked how much we wanted by now and would have offered. And we would have refused ££ unless it was genuinely costing us much more and we couldn’t afford it. But then he would offer to pay for food, meals, petrol etc
maybe your DM is awkward about talking about money? Maybe she’s waiting to be asked? Maybe she thinks you’ll think it’s rude To offer money?
anywY, it’s Mothers Day- so whatever you do DO NOT ask today!
peeweechigs · 19/03/2023 09:18
Why do you assume she knows you are struggling? Although really struggling means no holiday 
If I saw you renovating, buying new stuff and going on holiday I'd assume you are rolling in it! What makes you think she doesn't think that?
You need to communicate better, and should have discussed it before. You can't hold things against her that you thinks she thinks when she may not have even thought it!!!
LadyHaHaHeeHaw · 19/03/2023 09:18
How much is 1/3 ? I agree with posters that it sounded like you were treating her
Also I can't get my head around that you are hard up and wouldn't have booked a holiday under the circumstances but thought she'd like one so you chose somewhere you'd like without consulting her???
We're you expecting her to offer to pay for everything? 
Margo34 · 19/03/2023 09:19
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:17
We booked a 2 bed cottage and made sure she has her own bathroom for privacy. We selected somewhere we thought would appeal to her.
I guess I just thought she may offer to contribute.
JMSA · 19/03/2023 09:15
It's an awkward one because you invited her, but obviously the decent thing for her to do is to offer to contribute! Did you have to get a bigger cottage, or is she on a sofa bed in the lounge?
So you have also assumed her budget as well as assuming she will contribute. 🤦
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:20
AgentJohnson · 19/03/2023 09:17
WTAF! Essentially you calculated the affordability of a holiday on a contribution you didn’t discuss up front. Don’t even try the measly mouthed ‘well she knew of our circumstances’, you knew of your financial circumstances but decided to book and pay for a bloody holiday. If you were expecting payment, why didn’t you mention it? I suspect because you prioritised yourself. CF at its finest.
Wow. Don't hold back 🤣
Flatandhappy · 19/03/2023 09:21
If you wanted her to contribute I think you should have made that clear from the start. Is she the kind of person who will pay for lunch out, pick up some groceries, buy a couple of bottles of wine, etc.? If so I would let it go tbh but if you need her to contribute then I would say so now rather than spending the holiday feeling resentful.
Iloveenidblyton · 19/03/2023 09:22
You should have talked about this at the outset. However awkward you feel about discussing an issue at the time it arises, usually it won’t go away and it’s always more difficult to bring it up at a later date.
Your mum assumes that as you were going anyway and had a cottage booked, she was being offered a free holiday.
I would just go with it and treat it as a lesson learned to always discuss uncertainties as they arise.
Time4achangeagain · 19/03/2023 09:23
Honestly OP you should have discussed it from the beginning. And definitely not have booked somewhere you wanted someone to pay towards without running it past them abd explainigthe cost. Something like ‘here’s a link to the one we thought would be nice, so divided in 3 the cost would be £x for each of us’. That shouldn’t be awkward. Now you are where you are you just need to say ‘just checking you’re ok to contribute £x. We’d love to treat you but money is tight right now.’ You should have confirmed first though
LubaLuca · 19/03/2023 09:24
Ahnobother · 19/03/2023 09:21
Just ring her and say hi mum, the balance of the holiday is due now and your share is X, can you transfer it to me before Y so I can finalise the booking.
What if £x is too much for the mother? That's not how sharing costs works - you agree a budget before anything's booked and make mutually agreeable bookings.
StarmanBobby · 19/03/2023 09:24
‘But if someone asked if I wanted to go away with them, I wouldn't assume they were paying?’
No, but I would have mentioned potential costs at the time - something along the lines of budgets, does she mind contributing, that kind of thing.
also- does she know you’re tight on money? I would assume someone doing renovations and going on holiday had plenty of dough.
I
JuneBridie · 19/03/2023 09:25
Sounds like you’re convinced she should pay something towards it so no idea why you’re asking on here when you’ve already made up your mind. Most replies are of the opinion that you shouldn’t ask her for anything. Classic case of OP says AIBU? MN says YABU, OP then doubles down. Tedious.
Blank165 · 19/03/2023 09:26
That comes off as manipulative. I would feel trapped now if I was your mum and you came back asking for a few hundred. If you wanted her to contribute then you should have been clear upfront and perhaps included her in choosing the location and dates. It’s not on her to ask about costs. It’s on you to be clear at the start. This was an invitation to a definitive location and date. Don’t be mean. If you can’t afford it then cancel.
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