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To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs

283 replies

JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 08:54

My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2023 08:56

Given the way you invited her it sounds like it was an invitation for a free holiday. You should have mentioned costs when you invited her.

Riverlee · 19/03/2023 08:56

Some people are awkward when talking about money, so maybe that’s why she’s not brought it up.

I think asking her for a third is reasonable.

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/03/2023 08:57

How much has inviting your mum impacted on the costs?

Sounds like in her mind, you were already planning on going on the holiday anyway and maybe havent made it clear that you want her to pay for her contribution

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/03/2023 08:58

I think inviting someone to your holiday in an accommodation that’s one cost so no more expensive if they come or not would be assumed your paying.
It’s totally different inviting someone on your holiday, to discussing booking a holiday together IMO.
If you can’t afford it, you shouldn’t have booked.

QuackMooBaaOink · 19/03/2023 09:01

You say things are financially tight but you are booking a holiday, which you invited her on, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to assume you are paying. Especially as it's a cottage so costs the same irrespective of people. Honestly, asking for money makes it look like you've only invited her to get a cheaper holiday for yourself 🤷 I think if you wanted a contribution you should have made that clear at the start.

JuneBridie · 19/03/2023 09:01

When we holiday abroad with MIL I just tell her what her share is before I book it and get the money upfront. However if we rent a holiday home in UK and we invite her, I’d not ask her for a “share”, as my logic is we would be going regardless. She usually pays for a few meals out to balance it out.

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 19/03/2023 09:02

Yeah costs should have been discussed when you invited her. If I was her I might have assumed you were taking her on holiday and no money was required. But I would have offered nonetheless (sounds like your mum isn't that sorry of person tho). But you could definitely ask her to contribute towards food, trips out and so on.

Maybebabyno2 · 19/03/2023 09:02

I think you would be cheeky to ask for money now. That should have been discussed at the point of inviting/booking the holiday. Now she has no choice in any part of the planning, no voice over where you stay etc and has to pay for the privilege!

Biggiee · 19/03/2023 09:03

We do this with my Mum, but costs are discussed at the start and she sends me her share. A bit awkward now.

Did you book a bigger cottage?

TheScreams · 19/03/2023 09:03

If you’re booking the same accommodation whether she came or not then I think it’s cheeky to invite her just to then turn around later on and ask her to pay. I’d assume from that behaviour that you invited her solely to help fund a holiday that you were going on anyway.

gogohmm · 19/03/2023 09:04

If you know that money isn't tight for her then fair enough but in the future state her contribution before booking.

I'm booking for going with my parents soon and we discussed money at the time of initial holiday discussions

Mumdiva99 · 19/03/2023 09:05

If you wanted her to pay you should have said origionally, asked her budget and included her in selecting the cottage.

sorry, but too late to ask now. (If she said she can't afford it and won't come then you are footing the bill for it all anyway.)

Turnthelightoff · 19/03/2023 09:05

Did you book a bigger cottage to accommodate her? She could either pay a third or you could see what a 1 bed cottage would have cost and ask her to pay the difference if it’s less (and if it is reasonable to assume you’d have picked a 1 bed.) you might not get anything towards the house itself but should discuss a share for fuel and perhaps a kitty for food/parking/activities when you are there.

LubaLuca · 19/03/2023 09:07

How much extra is it costing to take her?

It does sound like you invited her to join rather than ask if she wanted to go on holiday/have a say in where you go etc which would be normal when costs are to be shared.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 19/03/2023 09:07

You should of asked her at the time about costs, you can't just invite someone never mention money till way down the line.

gavisconismyfriend · 19/03/2023 09:10

Unless you mentioned money when you invited her YABU.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 19/03/2023 09:10

Too late. If you had wanted her to contribute this should have been discussed when you mentioned going on holiday.
do you fancy coming to Cornwall? Would be 1/3 of the cost for you and also then look at accommodation together as well.
to be presented as a done deal and then asked for several hundred pounds when it hasn’t been discussed before is rude. What if she turns around and says I can’t come them?

ittakes2 · 19/03/2023 09:11

You have all these expenses and are still booking a holiday where you have not discussed price with someone and are now going to ask them for money. I think you need to pause and reflect on how you approach your finances.

JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:11

I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.
We wouldn't have gone away at all, but thought Mum would like a holiday.
Obviously we will pay for petrol (4 hour drive each way) and will buy the majority of food/meals etc. I guess I just hoped she would understand our position this year is different to usual and offer to contribute, but she hasn't.

OP posts:
Ihavekids · 19/03/2023 09:13

You're renovating a house, booking holidays, buying new car etc. I wouldn't assume you're struggling financially, from the outside looking in. People who ate struggling don't have the cash to renovate or book holidays.

You offered for her to come on holiday, and didn't mention to her you'd expect her to pay. I think it'd be cheeky to ask now.

Sounds to me like it's just resentment for the fact she's never helped you out financially, and your own money worries making you question this.

UdoU · 19/03/2023 09:13

Definitely tell her what is her share of the cost.

Don’t set a precedent of paying.

If she balks then I wouldn’t invite her again.

Clymene · 19/03/2023 09:14

If you're so broke, why are you going on holiday?

I'm guessing this is the first time you've asked her or you would have presumably been in this position before. Im afraid you should have had the conversation at the outset rather than hoping she would offer.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 19/03/2023 09:14

Why did you invite her away with you if you weren't willing to cover the costs?

UdoU · 19/03/2023 09:15

I often invite family on holidays, everyone expects to pay their share. Only on MN do people assume they’re being paid for.

Margo34 · 19/03/2023 09:15

You've invited her on holiday and when you did so you didn't mention costs.

She's expecting you to pay. Too late to ask now - if you did I'd be annoyed if I was your mum (and I'd also be prepared for her to turn around and say that she won't come then and so you'd still be left paying).

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