To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs

[JimmyKrankie]

My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.

There's a big difference between shall we go on holiday together and would you like to come on our holiday. Eg, who chooses where you stay, what you do, when you go? It sounds as if you've thought of it and planned it as your holiday, while taking your mother into consideration somewhat - but since money's proving tight you're hoping that she'll subsidise it. That does sound a bit mean and grudging, even if your initial intentions were good.

My dm is coming and contributing as we now need a 4 bed as she needs her own room which makes it a lot more expensive. I often get things for her though and she pays me back so talking about money is common.

Now that's just silly IMO. Why on earth would you be offended?

I'm surprised that she hasn't offered to pay her share, I can't imagine my mum not doing so. Why would she assume that you are paying? It's like going out for a meal, surely everyone assumes they'll pay their own way unless it's specifically stated that the treat is on them?
Obviously it costs more to accommodate an extra person on holiday, you need a bigger space!
Who are all these people that assume someone else will pay for them?
I think you should ask OP, tell your mum you need to pay by x date and her share is 1/3.

So YOU booked the holiday, YOU chose the cottage, YOU decided on the cost without discussing any of it with your mum and now you want her to contribute. Yeah fuck that OP, you're just being grabby.

Why did you think that though, when you know what she’s like and has never offered to help you out in the past?
I think in this situation, you should have said at the beginning. We’ll be booking a cottage, so that’ll be £??

Unless you make it clear at the outset, you can't change the goal post.

Imagine 'my DD invited me to join her and her DH on a holiday. She's recently spent a fortune on her house and is giving me hints that she needs money. Now she's presented me with a bill without any discussion. I had plans for the money and I'm on a small pension now my DH has died. Would I be unreasonable to say I'm not able to come?'

What is she says no. You can't go and lose your deposit. I suppose that's the outcome.

We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us

For me this is key. Phrasing around holidays is everything. We are going here, would you like to come to me sounds like a free invite. Will we go away together, I was looking up Cornwall sounds like everyone will pay!

My goodness, some of the responses are heavy 🤣🤣. I do agree that you've created a bit of an awkward situation by not being clear upfront, and not including her in the accommodation or price decisions. You just need to work out what you would have spent on accommodation for just the two of you, and just ask your mum to pay the difference. I doubt it'll be a third. Just a quick conversation then along the lines of, "we've got the balance to pay, its x, we've worked out that your part is x. Does that still sound okay to you?"

"I'd love to be able to treat you to this break but unfortunately bills have got a little out of band recently. I hate to ask but could you chip in for the holiday cottage thanks"

Obviously I wasn't there when you made your offer but unless I was involved in the selection process and they'd been a direct mention of cost I'd have assumed your invite was a gift.
You mention your money concerns which your mother is aware of. If I was your mother I'd think as adults, you know if you can afford this holiday or not. Just leave it. I'd imagine she plans to pay for a few treats/meals out.
Or...
Pop round today and hit her with the bill. Let's go for half rather than a third, after all shes got a room to herself....Happy Mothers Day!

It's rude to ask now.

As the 'mother' in this scenario I wouldn't dream of not offering my share! It's then up to the couple to decide whether to take it, if she doesn't offer then she's the one in the wrong, irrespective of there being any original discussion.

If you'd wanted her to pay, then you should have told her at least a rough cost of her share up front.
You framed it very much like it was your treat.
And if you're so financially hard up, why are you going away in the first place? YABU.

Your invite sounds like you were paying.

If I was suggesting a friend or family member comes on holiday with us I'd say, we're thinking of going to Cornwall, we could get a bigger place if you wanted to join. I think it would be about £££ per person, let me know if you fancy it.

Long winded but very clear it wasn't a gift/freebie.

OP you are not struggling financially, if you were, you would not be having a house renovation, buying a new car and going on holiday. What you’re saying is you don’t have the finances to support your lifestyle, struggling financially is struggling to pay bills and put food on the table. It sounds like you booked the holiday hoping she’d pay and help fund yours and your husbands holiday. Either cancel the holiday if you can’t genuinely afford it or ask your Mum to contribute but you didn’t make it clear at the beginning that costs would be involved and she may have thought there was a spare room and you decided to invite her along.

I think it’s interesting that you say she’s never paid for anything before but somehow you thought she would change her spots and offer up a share now…..

It’s often called “relentless hope” when we want our parent to be different or better.

Sounds like you have quite an anxious and fragile relationship with her - or maybe regarding asserting yourself more generally in life if you are too uncomfortable to be straight up front but then hold resentment after.

Either bite the bullet and ask “if” she is able to make a contribution to the holiday or “would like to” and see what she comes back - I don’t think you are in a position to “demand” or “request” payment.

Is she someone who is fair and square about money but just thinks getting adult children to financial independence is a core principle or is she generally mean, entitled and exploitative? The answer to this will be revealing.

You also need to think do you also want her to contribute towards petrol and food and make that clear sooner rather than later.

I think you can say ‘would you like to contribute towards the cost of the cottage or some other parts of the holiday?’

It can be a question and she can say ‘no’. At this stage more than a question isn’t reasonable.

I agree that you’d hope she’d have offered. But some people are oblivious and some are actually quite mean.

If you ask if she’d like to contribute, if she’s simply oblivious, she has a chance to consider the issue.

It’s good to take her away - she might not get a holiday otherwise. It’s good to put yourselves out for her. If she doesn’t say she wants to contribute you’ll need to cover it. You can downscale eating out etc if you need to. In future you might decide to got cheaper accommodation or not invite her if you can’t afford to pay for her. Totally your choice. But now all you can do is ask if she’d like to contribute. No problem asking as long as you accept she might say no, and that if you definitely wanted a contribution you should have made it part of the offer.

All families are different I know but we were always in this situation with my Mum (ie the two of us plus mater). She always would pay for the whole thing. However your Mum may not be as well-off so either she pays a third or you treat her. It sounds as if she has assumed the latter, which is fair enough given that you seem to have invited her to join you on YOUR holiday.

You’ve left it far too late. You can’t book the holiday you want and then try and charge someone else for it.

after she said she would like to come, you should have then said “great, we’ve found this cottage at £xxxx so works out at £xx each, is that ok with you?

or even at the very least ask what her budget is and offer to find something suitable.

I would chalk this one up to experience

Sorry, you handled it badly. Inviting people to go with you on holiday implies that you will cover the cost of accommodation and travel.

I don't think you can present her with a bill now but if I was her I would treat everyone to a meal out or an excursion or something.

When she agreed you should have said that you would let her know how much her share was. As you didn’t either ask or suck it up. If you’re criticising her on here do you really want to go on holiday with her?

Why are so many people on MN almost scared to talk about things with their own family?

It’s an awkward one but I think if you’ve invited her, chosen the location, and chosen the accommodation the implication is that you are inviting her as a guest on your holiday.

For it to be a joint holiday, with an expectation of sharing costs, your mum would have had to have had more of an input into planning it (though I can’t imagine my parents not offering/insisting on paying towards it).

Families are different with varying dynamics.

My in-laws would always want to pay for us….if out for a meal, going on holiday with them etc etc. My own parents are much less likely to want to do that, but will offer to split the bill.

Quite simply, beyond differences in what people can actually afford, some people are generous givers and others are less generous and sometimes takers. You tend to get to know which category they are in and most people generally don’t change.

For all of us, it’s worth looking at ourselves too. Are we as generous as we might be? How would others see us? OP, you’ve spent lots on various other things…it could be that despite you mentioning finding it all a financial struggle, your MiL sees you spending on home improvements etc and concludes you are perfectly well off.

Our parents are now in their 80s. They’ve been retired a long time. They have good pensions and decent savings still, but we are also of an age where we earn reasonably. There won’t be millions of more years of holidays with them and meals out. I’d like to treat them sometimes, even though they’ve often treated us and they probably still have more money than us. I’m pushing myself to do it more and not think to myself ‘they have loads’.

You can never control the generosity of others, but you can make choices about your own. Bitterness about others and their generosity is wasted emotion in my view.

I should also add, she most likely doesn’t know about your financial situation if you’re doing a renovation, buying a car and booking a holiday. Reading your original post again, it sounds like you’re inviting her along and there’s no costs to pay because you’ll be booking the holiday apartment anyway. She may be planning on paying for dinners, unless you have a proper conversation with her, you’ll unlikely know what she’s expecting, as you’ve also not mentioned costs, she’s likely to think it’s a treat or maybe she’s waiting for you to ask for a cost towards the holiday. At the end of the day, she’s your Mum, just ask her!