To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs

My parents usually pay their way when we go on holiday together. We discuss a budget up front, get their "ok" on the place picked, and then we book it and they reimburse us for their share. If you are picking the budget and the holiday rental, I don't think it's quite "on" to go back later and try to get her to pay a share. She might not have chosen to come if you weren't paying.

However you don't have to pay for her food so I would let her know that before you leave. "Mum, we're paying for the rental and the gas but you'd have to buy food at home anyway and things are tight so we'd like you to cover your own food and entertainment." Don't leave it until you are at the holiday rental to tell her, as she may not plan to bring as much cash or leave room in her budget for the funds she would need to do that. Be aware if you ask her to pay for her own food and entertainment, she may make a big show of not being able to afford nice food or to go with you to different places.

Another way you could do it would be to say, "things are tight this year and we are hoping you are able to chip in X for the rental. We do need you to pay for your own food as you'd have to eat at home anyway. If you can't help out with the rental costs, that's ok, as we didn't ask before we booked, but we just wanted to let you know in advance that we won't be able to pay for you next year as things are tight."

You should have given her the option to contribute before you booked.
I think maybe ask her if she's happy to chip in towards shopping and meals but in all honesty the cost of the accommodation is down to you.

Sorry but I think you should have mentioned that you expected her to share costs when you invited her

Oh Dear OP.
Even the way you have wrote you wrote you thought mum might like a holiday and now you have assumed your mum wanted a certain room type.

You have done a lot of assuming here. Did your mum pick Cornwall as a destination? Or is that what you thought your mum may like too..

This is where you went wrong you should’ve asked her and sent her the price for her bit and then asked her if she wanted to go. Rather than doing it the way you have but we learn! Just ask her and explain or don’t and suck it up and don’t make the same mistake twice x

If I’d been your mother I’d have offered to pay something but if she hasn’t I don’t think it wrong to ask for a contribution towards the holiday.

This

People should be given a chance up front to know what something is going to cost them.

Why wouldn't you talk about costs before booking? The only reason I can think of, would be because you are going to cover the costs.

Why are u taking her? Presumably she will babysit at some point or be with the kids. Doesn't seem right to ask for money when u invited her and it wd cost u the same anyway without her.
You dont need to buy a new car or do an expensive renovation on Yr house. U chose to do these and bear the financial responsibility.
I'm sure Yr mum will pay for meals out etc which will cou the as her contribution, without the angst of asking her outright for money. Sounds like ur being greedy, she may say no, she'd rather stay at home or go on a holiday of her choice elsewhere

She’s going on holiday for her mum’s sake dontcha know? Such a kind soul is OP, even if she is intending to charge her mum for this fantastic gesture of asking her to along to a place that she had no say in on a date that she had no choice in. 🤔

Nah, YABU. You should have said that she would need to contribute in the original invitation. You don't just 'wait' for an offer to contribute if you go on a shared holiday with friends, so why do you assume your mum is a mind reader?

I don't understand why you didn't clarify after she had agreed to come along that she would need to contribute. I would be a bit pissed off in her shoes if I agreed because I thought it was a treat and then I was told further down the line to cough up...

I would assume an invitation like that to come along would not require payment - you should have brought it up e.g. when picking the accomodation. It would be nice of her to offer though.

If somebody I knew was renovating their house and simultaneously booking holidays, I would not for a minute think money was short.

Also if a close relative told me they had booked a holiday cottage and asked if I would like to join them, I wouldn’t assume there was an expectation to share costs. I would plan to get nice food in or pay for meals out or something to express my thanks. I would expect to have a say in accommodation and timings if I was splitting costs.

So no, I don’t think you can ask for costs. Had you wanted her to contribute you should have opened up with something like “how do you fancy booking a holiday cottage with us this year”.

You can look at it another way though... if she can more than afford to pay for it, but only agreed to go as she thought it was a freebie, that's also quite rude!

Of course your mother should pay for her holiday! A third is actually quite generous, given it is a 2-bed property and she is getting one room and en suite by herself. A 60 to 40 split be a bit fairer. Don't ask, just tell her what she needs to pay. That should include a third of fuel and food too. You letting her join and is nice but does not mean you pay for everything.

That would probably be greeted by a quick “Fuck off”. You don’t invite someone to join you on holiday and then present them with a bill, let alone a ridiculously disproportionate one. When I issue an invitation to something I’m doing anyway I expect to pay. Most people do.

You are aware that OP booked this holiday not the other way round. She decided the destination and the room type based on assumptions.

@CellophaneFlower so is accepting a gift rude if you have sufficient money to pay for the gift?

We have offered to take MIL on holiday in the UK in the past when DS was little, so she could spend time with him (we live quite a distance from each other). We would have been going to the place anyway, whether she came or not. So she had no say in the accommodation or choice of venue, we just needed to check whether she would like to join us so we would book a bigger cottage with an extra bedroom. We never expected her to pay but she did treat us to a meal as a thank you.

It wasn't stated it was a gift though? If my MIL said she was going to X place for dinner, would we like to join them, I'd never assume this meant she was paying, despite us not having a say in the venue.

Even if I'm pretty sure an invite doesn't involve me paying, I'll always offer, to clarify. The OP is at fault for not making things clear from the outset, but her mum is even worse for just assuming it's free (if indeed she does).

If my MIL said she was going to X place for dinner, would we like to join them, I'd never assume this meant she was paying, despite us not having a say in the venue.

Our kids know that if we invite them for a meal we pay. The same would apply to a stay in a holiday cottage.

Yes, but that's your family dynamics. They differ vastly. I expect OP's are different, as she'd assumed her mum would offer.

You invited her to go with you? You can't ask her to pay. If you'd have discussed costs and said ' do you fancy all chipping in for a holiday cottage' 'it would be about £200 each' etc but I think it's a bit odd to ask for money out of the blue if she hasnt had any input on what was booked.

Why do all the threads I read have something to do with people feeling awkward for asking for contributions. She’s your mum, you asked if she wanted to go she shouldn’t automatically assume your paying for her. Split it equally 3 ways and ask for her share.

@Mamabear48 - why did you feel the need to add your tuppence worth to a thread that the last post to yours was back in March?

If you are only going because you think your mother needs a holiday but you want her to pay a share this should have been discussed before booking. My parents often go away with one of their widowed sister (they each have one) and they generally do all the planning as that's how each sister prefers it. Any costs though are agreed before booking and they pay a third. If someone invites me on holiday I'd assume I'd pay for a meal or two out or an excursion but wouldn't expect to stump up a third.

This! Dd2 and her dh are renovating a house they've just bought which they intend to live in (they currently live in a flat with their ds). They paid over £1.5 million for it! If they invited me on holiday with them I'd assume they would cover most of the costs (I'm on UC and work on a zero hours contract). If it was abroad I'd probably pay for my flight or offer. I'd pay for treats and babysit, watch my gs while they're in the pool etc.