To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs

[JimmyKrankie]

My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.

[Mamabear48]

@LookItsMeAgain I didn’t take note of the date. Not sure why it bothered you so much you had to leave a comment

[Ihatepickingausername3]

Unfortunately this should have been discussed right at the start.

[KarmaStar]

You booked a holiday for your mum's sake,according to your update,but didn't ask her first if she wanted to go,where or when she wanted to go,if she would contribute and now want her to pay a third?
plus the nonsense of booking a holiday you cannot afford.
honestly read back your posts.Yabvu based on the information given by you.

[Erex]

I doubt OP will be back, she hasn't posted since March... Someone resurrected a zombie thread.

[Strictlyfanoftenyears]

@JimmyKrankie

I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.
We wouldn't have gone away at all, but thought Mum would like a holiday.
Obviously we will pay for petrol (4 hour drive each way) and will buy the majority of food/meals etc. I guess I just hoped she would understand our position this year is different to usual and offer to contribute, but she hasn't.

This makes no sense `'we wouldnt have gone away but thought mum would like a holiday" and yet you cant afford it and havent asked her to pay.

[1mabon]

Clearly, you are not short of money otherwise you would not be going on holiday, however, I gave my son £250.00 toward the cost of a £1000.00 rental in Cornwall, i.e. my share for four of us.

[Manthide]

@Grumpusaurus

Of course your mother should pay for her holiday! A third is actually quite generous, given it is a 2-bed property and she is getting one room and en suite by herself. A 60 to 40 split be a bit fairer. Don't ask, just tell her what she needs to pay. That should include a third of fuel and food too. You letting her join and is nice but does not mean you pay for everything.

I'm assuming you are being sarcastic! Surely the mother should pay for the whole holiday as they wouldn't be going if it wasn't for her!

[Manthide]

@peeweechigs

Why do you assume she knows you are struggling? Although really struggling means no holiday
If I saw you renovating, buying new stuff and going on holiday I'd assume you are rolling in it! What makes you think she doesn't think that?
You need to communicate better, and should have discussed it before. You can't hold things against her that you thinks she thinks when she may not have even thought it!!!

This! Dd2 and her dh are renovating a house they've just bought which they intend to live in (they currently live in a flat with their ds). They paid over £1.5 million for it! If they invited me on holiday with them I'd assume they would cover most of the costs (I'm on UC and work on a zero hours contract). If it was abroad I'd probably pay for my flight or offer. I'd pay for treats and babysit, watch my gs while they're in the pool etc.

[Manthide]

If you are only going because you think your mother needs a holiday but you want her to pay a share this should have been discussed before booking. My parents often go away with one of their widowed sister (they each have one) and they generally do all the planning as that's how each sister prefers it. Any costs though are agreed before booking and they pay a third. If someone invites me on holiday I'd assume I'd pay for a meal or two out or an excursion but wouldn't expect to stump up a third.

[LookItsMeAgain]

@Mamabear48 - why did you feel the need to add your tuppence worth to a thread that the last post to yours was back in March?

[Mamabear48]

Why do all the threads I read have something to do with people feeling awkward for asking for contributions. She’s your mum, you asked if she wanted to go she shouldn’t automatically assume your paying for her. Split it equally 3 ways and ask for her share.

[vickylou78]

You invited her to go with you? You can't ask her to pay. If you'd have discussed costs and said ' do you fancy all chipping in for a holiday cottage' 'it would be about £200 each' etc but I think it's a bit odd to ask for money out of the blue if she hasnt had any input on what was booked.

[CellophaneFlower]

@Blossomtoes

If my MIL said she was going to X place for dinner, would we like to join them, I'd never assume this meant she was paying, despite us not having a say in the venue.

Our kids know that if we invite them for a meal we pay. The same would apply to a stay in a holiday cottage.

Yes, but that's your family dynamics. They differ vastly. I expect OP's are different, as she'd assumed her mum would offer.

[Blossomtoes]

If my MIL said she was going to X place for dinner, would we like to join them, I'd never assume this meant she was paying, despite us not having a say in the venue.

Our kids know that if we invite them for a meal we pay. The same would apply to a stay in a holiday cottage.

[CellophaneFlower]

@toomuchlaundry

@CellophaneFlower so is accepting a gift rude if you have sufficient money to pay for the gift?

We have offered to take MIL on holiday in the UK in the past when DS was little, so she could spend time with him (we live quite a distance from each other). We would have been going to the place anyway, whether she came or not. So she had no say in the accommodation or choice of venue, we just needed to check whether she would like to join us so we would book a bigger cottage with an extra bedroom. We never expected her to pay but she did treat us to a meal as a thank you.

It wasn't stated it was a gift though? If my MIL said she was going to X place for dinner, would we like to join them, I'd never assume this meant she was paying, despite us not having a say in the venue.

Even if I'm pretty sure an invite doesn't involve me paying, I'll always offer, to clarify. The OP is at fault for not making things clear from the outset, but her mum is even worse for just assuming it's free (if indeed she does).

[toomuchlaundry]

@CellophaneFlower so is accepting a gift rude if you have sufficient money to pay for the gift?

We have offered to take MIL on holiday in the UK in the past when DS was little, so she could spend time with him (we live quite a distance from each other). We would have been going to the place anyway, whether she came or not. So she had no say in the accommodation or choice of venue, we just needed to check whether she would like to join us so we would book a bigger cottage with an extra bedroom. We never expected her to pay but she did treat us to a meal as a thank you.

[Comii9]

@Grumpusaurus

Of course your mother should pay for her holiday! A third is actually quite generous, given it is a 2-bed property and she is getting one room and en suite by herself. A 60 to 40 split be a bit fairer. Don't ask, just tell her what she needs to pay. That should include a third of fuel and food too. You letting her join and is nice but does not mean you pay for everything.

You are aware that OP booked this holiday not the other way round. She decided the destination and the room type based on assumptions.

[Blossomtoes]

@Grumpusaurus

Of course your mother should pay for her holiday! A third is actually quite generous, given it is a 2-bed property and she is getting one room and en suite by herself. A 60 to 40 split be a bit fairer. Don't ask, just tell her what she needs to pay. That should include a third of fuel and food too. You letting her join and is nice but does not mean you pay for everything.

That would probably be greeted by a quick “Fuck off”. You don’t invite someone to join you on holiday and then present them with a bill, let alone a ridiculously disproportionate one. When I issue an invitation to something I’m doing anyway I expect to pay. Most people do.

[Grumpusaurus]

Of course your mother should pay for her holiday! A third is actually quite generous, given it is a 2-bed property and she is getting one room and en suite by herself. A 60 to 40 split be a bit fairer. Don't ask, just tell her what she needs to pay. That should include a third of fuel and food too. You letting her join and is nice but does not mean you pay for everything.

[CellophaneFlower]

@Curseofthenation

Nah, YABU. You should have said that she would need to contribute in the original invitation. You don't just 'wait' for an offer to contribute if you go on a shared holiday with friends, so why do you assume your mum is a mind reader?

I don't understand why you didn't clarify after she had agreed to come along that she would need to contribute. I would be a bit pissed off in her shoes if I agreed because I thought it was a treat and then I was told further down the line to cough up...

You can look at it another way though... if she can more than afford to pay for it, but only agreed to go as she thought it was a freebie, that's also quite rude!

[Mortimercat]

If somebody I knew was renovating their house and simultaneously booking holidays, I would not for a minute think money was short.

Also if a close relative told me they had booked a holiday cottage and asked if I would like to join them, I wouldn’t assume there was an expectation to share costs. I would plan to get nice food in or pay for meals out or something to express my thanks. I would expect to have a say in accommodation and timings if I was splitting costs.

So no, I don’t think you can ask for costs. Had you wanted her to contribute you should have opened up with something like “how do you fancy booking a holiday cottage with us this year”.

[Itsbytheby]

I would assume an invitation like that to come along would not require payment - you should have brought it up e.g. when picking the accomodation. It would be nice of her to offer though.

[Curseofthenation]

Nah, YABU. You should have said that she would need to contribute in the original invitation. You don't just 'wait' for an offer to contribute if you go on a shared holiday with friends, so why do you assume your mum is a mind reader?

I don't understand why you didn't clarify after she had agreed to come along that she would need to contribute. I would be a bit pissed off in her shoes if I agreed because I thought it was a treat and then I was told further down the line to cough up...

[PinkSyCo]

@MrsSkylerWhite

QuackMooBaaOink · Today 09:01
You say things are financially tight but you are booking a holiday, which you invited her on, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to assume you are paying. Especially as it's a cottage so costs the same irrespective of people. Honestly, asking for money makes it look like you've only invited her to get a cheaper holiday for yourself 🤷 I think if you wanted a contribution you should have made that clear at the start.“

This. Don’t understand why you’re going on holiday anyway if things are so tight.

She’s going on holiday for her mum’s sake dontcha know? Such a kind soul is OP, even if she is intending to charge her mum for this fantastic gesture of asking her to along to a place that she had no say in on a date that she had no choice in. 🤔