To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs

[JimmyKrankie]

My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.

[TomeTome]

I’d be gobsmacked if someone asked me for money this late stage. I wouldn’t choose mothers day to be a tight arse.

[Poshjock]

@JudgeJ

As the 'mother' in this scenario I wouldn't dream of not offering my share! It's then up to the couple to decide whether to take it, if she doesn't offer then she's the one in the wrong, irrespective of there being any original discussion.

Of course, you are right. It is good manners to offer something, especially if it is not crystal clear it is a gift. Then we all get to do the "no no I insist" dance.

However, in this scenario I wonder if the mum just isn't as interested in a holiday that the OP thinks she is. She's only agreed because it's free and she would have said no if she thought there was a cost involved. Therefore both at fault for not establishing this at the outset.

[SpookyBlackCat]

We booked a 2 bed cottage and made sure she has her own bathroom for privacy. We selected somewhere we thought would appeal to her.
I guess I just thought she may offer to contribute.

I find this a bit odd really. Surely what most people would have done is have a discussion beforehand along the lines of do you fancy a joint holiday this year and then you could have discussed budget, location and splitting the costs. It does read a bit that you only invited her along to subsidise your holiday.

Why not just tell her that you have gone over-budget and decided to cancel?

[ScholesPanda]

I think you should have mentioned it before booking, so she knew full well what she was paying.

You could ask now, but what would you do if she says she won't come in that case?

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

Would you like to come for a slap-up meal with me next Friday OP?

You'll have no problem when I unexpectedly ask you to pay toward it will you, because you have never helped me out with money, you selfish swine, & I am struggling financially.

Cheers, see you there!

[Mrsjayy]

Things can't be that tight if you booked a cottage in Cornwall for the week . You asked if she wanted to go with you, she said yes. How you worded it is on you.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.

We wouldn't have gone away at all, but thought Mum would like a holiday.

Disingenuous is your middle name innit.
You are tight financially, but making out you only booked a holiday for your dear old mum's sake?

[Beaverbridge]

Yeah too late now to mention money.

[SuperBored]

I wouldn't ask for the money. I can't imagine the difference between a 1 bed and a 2 bed rental is all that much, so would just suck it up and you never know she might offer to pay for transport/dinners etc. I wouldn't want my mother to think I was using or manipulating her and I would remember this lesson for the future to be more transparent at the start of the conversations. Your overspend elsewhere is not your mum's problem and not one I would want to make my mum feel bad about, if it were me.

[skyeisthelimit]

You should have made it clear when you invited her. So "Mum, would you like to come on holiday with us, if you could pay half we could get a bigger cottage for the 3 of us".

If you said, Mum we are going to Cornwall on holiday, why don't you come with us? that doesn't sound like you want paying.

My mum always pays for half, even though I don't want her to as the accommodation doesn't cost any more, but that's her choice and she wants to do it, I don't expect her to. If we had to book 2 rooms in a hotel or similar, then I would ask her to contribute.

[Thatsridiculous]

My brian must work differently to other peoples!!

If I was invited to go away with someone I would always assume I would contribute towards the cost of this.

However, I would also want to know a rough cost in advance of agreeing too.

However, I don’t understand why you would chose a destination 4 hours away, where summer accommodation is a fortune. There are plenty of other cheaper destinations.

[Thatsridiculous]

*brain haha!!

[PrinceHaz]

A third is reasonable but not retrospectively. It sounds as if she would have been under the impression it was your treat.
If you want to recoup some of the cost, you’ll need to ask for something else, but make sure to do it in advance of the holiday e.g. suggest you’re going to share cost of meals and meals out.

[2bazookas]

You invited her.

The fact you can afford to go on holiday (and invite her as your guest) surely sent her a message that despite extra expenditures, you are not struggling financially.

[LadyLapsang]

I’m in agreement with the majority of posters, you invited your DM, you should pay. It would be nice if she treated you to dinner or paid some entrance fees, ice creams and coffees while you are away. When we invite our DC and partner or DMIL we pay. I do find there is a generational difference in saying the bill was x please transfer Y, which is fine if you know upfront that is the deal.

[Sceptre86]

If things were tight for me financially I wouldn't be inviting my mum on holiday or even going myself. You sound as if you are expecting her to subsidise your trip tbh. The way you have asked suggests you will pay for it. You should have said that you were going away and if she'd like to join you shed be more than welcome and her share would amount to x amount. It shouldn't be this front to be honest and direct with your own parent.

[Sceptre86]

*this difficult even.

[Fluffyhoglets]

I'd just say "Mum, things are a bit tighter for us at the moment than we'd hoped so would you please be able to pay a third of the cottage costs of £????."

Then make sure you're clear in any future holiday booking if you need her to contribute.

[Appleblum]

I wouldn't invite my parents on holiday if I weren't going to pay for them.

[ThinWomansBrain]

Presumably it meant you chose two bedroom accommodation rather than one - but if you expected her to pay her share, you should have made it clear at the outset. - as in we're going to X, you're welcome to join us, I will get a larger cottage, I expect it would be £££ for you,

[bucketloadofcats]

It sounds like you offered her a free holiday. She might have only said yes because it was free.

You assumed she even wanted a holiday in the first place. You assumed she'd pay a third.

Do you lose anything if you cancel now? If not, I might suggest that you've had some unexpected costs and you're thinking about cancelling unless she's able to chip in something towards her share. If she's not fussed, it gives her an out, and if she wants to come along, she'll offer some money.

[FinallyHere]

@RampantIvy

Given the way you invited her it sounds like it was an invitation for a free holiday. You should have mentioned costs when you invited her.

Yeah

In future, if you are thinking of something like this, you really need to be clear up front, when suggesting something, what you mean about costs

Something like we share the costs by thirds, even though we will share a room and you have your own.

Be clear up front is my advice.

[Moveoverdarlin]

You asked her. No you can’t ask for a third. Let’s just hope she pays for a few meals out whilst you are away. You can’t moan about petrol or anything like that, because you were going anyway. If you’re that right for money, why go on holiday in the first place?

[NewNovember]

So you wanted a holiday subsidised by your mum as you feel skint atm.