AIBU?
To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 08:54
My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.
Am I being unreasonable?
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darjeelingrose · 19/03/2023 10:07
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:20
Wow. Don't hold back 🤣
AgentJohnson · 19/03/2023 09:17
WTAF! Essentially you calculated the affordability of a holiday on a contribution you didn’t discuss up front. Don’t even try the measly mouthed ‘well she knew of our circumstances’, you knew of your financial circumstances but decided to book and pay for a bloody holiday. If you were expecting payment, why didn’t you mention it? I suspect because you prioritised yourself. CF at its finest.
If the cap fits. I agree with @AgentJohnson . As a general rule, don't spend other people's money or money that you don't have.
TuttiFrutti · 19/03/2023 10:07
Ask her for a third of the cost, definitely. Saying "would you like to come with us" is not the same as saying "we will pay for your holiday". It's different if you own the cottage, but if she knows you are renting it, why wouldn't she pay her share? We do on holiday with family every year and it's a no-brainer that everyone pays per person for their share of the rented holiday cottages.
Meem321 · 19/03/2023 10:07
So basically you invited her under false pretences to subsidise your holiday?
Given the history of no financial support over the years, you knew this would happen.
You're now panicking because this holiday payment is looming, and you've realised you're living beyond your means- given your financial history, you appear to have possibly spent beyond your means for a while.
If someone invited you round for dinner, I'm sure you'd be shocked if they then presented you with a bill at the end of the evening. This is, in reality, no different.
We took my mum on a holiday with our jids- somewhere we knew she'd love. We paid for it all because she's a pensioner. She did love it, and as her contribution she bought dinner one evening. Perfect. We have lovely memories.
I'd cancel the holiday now if I were you, because I guarantee it'll spoil your mum's experience if she hears you and your husband grumbling about money all week.
And well done for posting this on Mother's Day. Classy.
Hadjab · 19/03/2023 10:10
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:11
I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.
We wouldn't have gone away at all, but thought Mum would like a holiday.
Obviously we will pay for petrol (4 hour drive each way) and will buy the majority of food/meals etc. I guess I just hoped she would understand our position this year is different to usual and offer to contribute, but she hasn't.
This makes no sense. You wouldn’t have gone away, as things are tight. You’ve then decided your mum needs a holiday. Regardless of whether or not your mum contributes, you’re still in the same spot you started off in, paying for a holiday that you can’t afford.
katepilar · 19/03/2023 10:15
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:11
I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.
We wouldn't have gone away at all, but thought Mum would like a holiday.
Obviously we will pay for petrol (4 hour drive each way) and will buy the majority of food/meals etc. I guess I just hoped she would understand our position this year is different to usual and offer to contribute, but she hasn't.
You are making lots of assumptions. Also it looks like you think of this as something you are doing for her ( I thought she might lie the holiday, we booked her an ensuit bedroom...)
I appreciate that money talks are often difficult with parents. The best is to communicate the setup upfront.
PeekAtYou · 19/03/2023 10:16
If you were my adult child I'd assume that you weren't really struggling - something struggling would have skipped the holiday this year. Considering that you're getting new car plus holiday I would assume that you're one of those people who would say that you were broke because your savings had taken a hit rather than literally having a string of overdrafts and maxed out credit cards.
(This isn't a criticism of your choice to go on holiday btw )
if you had asked for money when you invited her then no problem but the way you did things sounds like you were going to pay it all. She might have said no or wanted to be involved picking accommodation if she was paying a third too.
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2023 10:17
Speak to your mum. Just tell her things are tight and you’re at at a point of needing to cancel the holiday. Apologise. Say you really offered for her to go as you thought it would be good for her. Now you realise you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Perhaps ask her if she is ok with that or would rather contribute…
If she agrees to help out, take the opportunity to ask her for 1/3 of the other costs. Petrol, food etc.
Use this as a life lesson to say what you mean in future.
viques · 19/03/2023 10:22
I have often booked holiday cottages bigger than actually needed and used the extra room to offer a few nights accommodation to friends and or family. I have never asked for a contribution towards the cost of the rental. Most people will pay for a dinner out, and bring a bottle of wine and some chocs, and most will try to pay a bit extra ( sneaking cash into places I will find it). I accept the meals, not the cash. If I invite someone they are invited as a guest.
BCfan · 19/03/2023 10:23
RampantIvy · 19/03/2023 08:56
Given the way you invited her it sounds like it was an invitation for a free holiday. You should have mentioned costs when you invited her.
This.
You could raise it though as costs have increased unexpectedly and you're not sure you can afford to go now, so would she pay 1/3?
dottiedodah · 19/03/2023 10:23
You are in the UK in a cottage. I think its reasonable for her to assume you are paying.However you could always say something light like "Looking forward to our trip to Cornwall,Lots of Restaurants /Bars .Bring your card/wallet! Its on you"! Does she normally pay for Teas/meals out .Unless shes really strapped for cash I think reasonable to expect her to pay for some treats TBH! You are being generous inviting her along
diddl · 19/03/2023 10:26
Idk.
On the one hand why would an adult expect a free holiday?
On the other-why pay for what she hasn't chosen- unless she told you to just go ahead & book?
Who is the holiday really for??
If she wanted a holiday wouldn't she talk about it/do something about it?
CellophaneFlower · 19/03/2023 10:30
You know your mum the best, so I can understand if you assumed she'd offer to contribute. She may not have helped you out financially in the past, but that's different to paying her way.
It's awkward, but I'd just explain things are tight and if she wouldn't mind chipping in a bit. I wouldn't put a figure on it or ask for a third though. If she's really taken aback I'd drop it and suck up the cost.
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