To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 08:54
My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
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SBHon · 19/03/2023 09:45
You’re making a lot of assumptions of your DM: assuming she would offer, assuming she knows you only booked the holiday for her sake, assuming she knows she would share the costs.
Yet you’re shocked she might also be assuming things of you (ie that it was a treat invite based on how you’ve managed the situation, ie that you can afford a holiday since you chose to have one).
There is a solution to this… communicate!!!
Choconut · 19/03/2023 09:49
You can't just assume other people will behave in the same way you would! How bizarre to think you can.
You cocked up by not saying at the time 'it'll be about x amount for the accommodation, is that ok?'
If you want money when you haven't mentioned it previously then you definitely shouldn't book anything without running it by the other person first. It's like she's a tag a long on your holiday and she's got to pay for herself but you feel like you're doing her a massive favour.
Your behaviour is really strange and your communication very poor.
CheshireCat1 · 19/03/2023 09:49
We’ve taken my Mum on holiday a few times, also in a cottage. It was our suggestion and the cost of the cottage was just the same as it would be if she didn’t come, I would never in a million years ask my Mum to contribute, not even for the food and extras.
Happy Mother’s Day 😊
Mindymomo · 19/03/2023 09:50
We used to holiday with our in laws, MIL was in charge of finance and always paid their share, in fact more than. After she died, we took father in law on a cruise, he did ask if he could contribute but he had no idea what things cost, so we just said £500. My in laws had given us 1000’s of hours free child care over the years, so I would never expect them to pay for a holiday if we invited them. We now take my single brother on holiday with us, it’s company for my adult son, he cannot afford to chip in, but will pay for a couple of meals out, which we appreciate.
Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 09:50
But if someone asked if I wanted to go away with them, I wouldn't assume they were paying? Even if I did, I would still offer a contribution.
There was a thread about an OP inviting a child and wanting to confirm with the mum that she won’t need to pay anything.
The majority of posters said that the mum wouldn’t think she needs to pay anything anyway as the OP invited her DD, which means OP pays.
If you invited me I would assume you are paying but I’d still offer to pay my share.
I’m wondering how much more her actual share would be though as it’s only an extra room that needs paying out for and so it depends what sort of accommodation you get.
You should have worded your invitation differently and mentioned cost in it so then she could decide for herself.
You say you don’t have much money but you’re having a house renovation and planning a holiday - which sounds like you are quite well off.
I don’t know your mums circumstances but there’s a big chance she is much worse off than you and would genuinely struggle to afford a holiday.
It almost reads as though you only invited her so she can pay a large chunk of the holiday and therefore make it affordable for you to go.
TheSingingBean · 19/03/2023 09:53
In your mum’s situation I would absolutely expect to pay. There is no reason whatsoever that she shouldn’t contribute.
Our adult children invited us to join them on holiday last year. We asked what it cost and paid half up front.
Just bring up the subject with your mum, say you should probably have discussed it at the outset (you’ve learned a lesson now!) and ask if she is happy to contribute a third.
You are not being unreasonable!
toomuchlaundry · 19/03/2023 09:54
If you were expecting a contribution wouldn’t she have had a say in where you were going/staying?
We've invited MIL to come on holiday with us in the UK before. We choose the place we are going (we would go there whether MIL joined us or not). She sorts out train ticket to get there and will usually treat us to a meal but the rest of the costs are ours as we would have been going there anyway, even if we had to pay more for an extra room in the cottage.
MrsSkylerWhite · 19/03/2023 09:55
QuackMooBaaOink · Today 09:01
You say things are financially tight but you are booking a holiday, which you invited her on, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to assume you are paying. Especially as it's a cottage so costs the same irrespective of people. Honestly, asking for money makes it look like you've only invited her to get a cheaper holiday for yourself 🤷 I think if you wanted a contribution you should have made that clear at the start.“
This. Don’t understand why you’re going on holiday anyway if things are so tight.
Workingwithchildcare · 19/03/2023 09:55
Hold on, did you give her a say in the cottage you booked? Show her options based on different costs? How do you even know what her budget would have been? And you’ve booked the cottage without her even having a say on what it is but expect her to pay?
Bunnycat101 · 19/03/2023 09:56
From your wording, I think it’s a fair assumption that you’d be paying. If you couldn’t afford it you shouldn’t have unilaterally decided your mum would like a holiday and then arranged one with the view of her charging. You could have been much better about communicating on this one.
rainbowstardrops · 19/03/2023 09:57
As you invited her and didn't have discussions re budget/destination/holiday property etc at the beginning then I don't think you can go asking for money now!
Obviously if she offered or at least offered to buy food there then that's different.
If money is that tight for you then why on earth are you going on holiday?!
Auliza · 19/03/2023 09:58
Was your Mum involved in booking the cottage, did she help to pick it? If not I’d have assumed that you are just inviting her along on your holiday out of generosity and wouldn’t ask her to pay. I feel like if you asked her for money now then it looks like you just want a cheaper holiday.
However, I would think that she would be expecting to pay for her own meals and activities while away. Maybe she’s planning on treating you to a nice meal while you’re there to say thank you?
Personally would have offered a contribution but I guess we’re all different.
BellaJuno · 19/03/2023 09:59
It sounds like you invited her on your holiday and now retrospectively want her to contribute which is cheeky of you - a bit like buying someone a present then giving them the bill. If you expected her to pay, you should have made it clear at the start and let her have a say in what you booked.
Itsneverwhatitseems · 19/03/2023 09:59
Gosh this is a tricky one for you OP
Technically you asked her, then booked it without asking her to contribute.
that’s an invite.
If you expected her to pay you should have discussed the cost of what you were booking and given her the option of choosing the accommodation with you too.
But you didn’t.
YABU to expect payment now for something you chose and you invited her to
MummyJ36 · 19/03/2023 10:04
OP I hate to say it but you invited her and whilst an offer of a contribution may have been nice I don’t think you should have bargained on it.
We ask my mum on holiday with us and pay for accommodation with an extra bedroom. We don’t expect her to pay. She’s on her own and we enjoy her company. She will usually be very generous and buy us dinner and help with groceries whilst we’re away but the fact that we invited her, to me, means we pay for the accommodation itself.
It’s going to sound harsh but if you really couldn’t afford this holiday I don’t think you should have booked it in the first place.
TomatoSandwiches · 19/03/2023 10:06
You shouldn't have offered if you expected her to offer and you shouldn't have assumed she would do so by her own violation if you know she has never helped financially before.
YABU, it's too late to grumble now and the way you asked sounds like you didn't expect a contribution.
I don't think you are wrong for wanting her to offer but you've dealt with it badly.
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