AIBU?
To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 08:54
My mum is on her own since we lost Dad a few years ago.
We have asked if we go to Cornwall this year on holiday, would she like to come with us.
She said she would love to, and so we have gone ahead and booked a reasonably priced holiday cottage we think would suit.
She's never mentioned money, but then nor have we.
She is fully aware we are in the midst of a house renovation which has gone massively over budget, plus we had a recent unexpected vet bill and need to buy a new car this year. We have been concerned over Finances this year and she does know this.
She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes - and I never expected it (Although I probably would help my DD)
The balance of the holiday is now due. I want to ask her if she will pay something towards it. Its 3 of us, myself, DH and Mum.
Should I ask her to pay a third?
Is that unreasonable or fair?
Does she assume we are paying?
But then she's aware of our situation so it's annoying me she hasn't offered 🙄 she's not short of money.
Am I being unreasonable?
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WhereIsMyRefund · 19/03/2023 09:27
JimmyKrankie · 19/03/2023 09:11
I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.
We wouldn't have gone away at all, but thought Mum would like a holiday.
Obviously we will pay for petrol (4 hour drive each way) and will buy the majority of food/meals etc. I guess I just hoped she would understand our position this year is different to usual and offer to contribute, but she hasn't.
‘I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially’
Why would you assume this when you also say:
‘She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes’ ?
She is behaving like she always has done.
Mischance · 19/03/2023 09:30
When I go away with my DD and her family we have an arrangement that after the holiday they send me a bill! - it includes train/petrol, a relevant share of the rental of a property, my share of food bills (including eating out) etc.
I transfer the money straight away and all is well.
We do this because I insist on it, and it us easier to tot everything up at the end.
It is a bit awkward that your Mum did not do this and that you did not mention mention money when you invited her. But I would not want a free ride if it were me.
Oldnproud · 19/03/2023 09:31
I would take the hit now for this year (unless she offers to pay a share anyway) but if you want to include her again in the future, be very clear that it will not be free - something like, "Would you like to share a cottage with us again this year? If so, we can look for something suitable but share the cost between us this time."
RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 19/03/2023 09:31
So you can’t really afford to go on holiday but you’re going because you think your mum would like one. Why can’t she arrange a holiday herself if she wants one?
You should have said ‘would you like to go on holiday with us this year? We could rent a cottage somewhere together.” It would have been clearer that it was a joint effort. If you’ve said “we’re going to Cornwall, would you like to come?” it sounds more like you’re just asking her to join you as a guest.
I do think you’re a bit mad going on an expensive holiday (as cottages in Cornwall are) when you’re short of money.
Lamelie · 19/03/2023 09:33
Take a deep breath and think through before you approach her. You sound resentful and probably with good cause if she’s always been ungenerous.
However this is not the time to address that: you invited her, you chose the holiday, you didn’t broach money in advance.
Ask if you can share the costs and tell her when the payments due. Own the mismatch in planning and paying for it- don’t be peevish or resentful, whatever she’s done in the past, this is on you.
“Mum, really looking forward to Cornwall, did I send you the link- your room looks comfy etc.
I should have discussed this before inviting you, but money is more of a worry than it was then, the building works are coming in higher than anticipated and it would be really wonderful if we could split costs. Can I send you a link to the next payment or are you free for a call?”
Maybe not on Mothering Sunday 
😉
Spiderboy · 19/03/2023 09:35
I think you’ve been really silly to book a holiday in one of the most expensive holidays towns in the UK if you are struggling to budget at the moment…to then invite your mum and ask her to pay up AFTER you’ve already booked is crackers IMO. Totally fine if it was discussed earlier, but definitely not now! Really out of order
knittingaddict · 19/03/2023 09:36
Why on earth didn't you discuss suitable accommodation, let her look at the options and discuss whether her share was affordable for her? I honestly don't understand how families get into this mess.
We've had holidays with family members and it's always a joint decision if costs are shared. If you booked the place and gave her no imput then I can see the issue you have now. Just talk to her, but I think you handled it badly at the start.
turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 19/03/2023 09:37
Oh OP its far too late now.You just cannot ask her to contribute. You say you wouldnt have gone away in the first place so you have 2 options as I see it,either cancel the holiday all together if you cant afford it or just suck it up and make your budget bigger.Its a nice thing your doing really for your mum. You just cant ask her now .
saraclara · 19/03/2023 09:39
Did you involve her throughout? Did she get a say in what you booked? Did you show her the shortlist of options and get her opinion?
My daughters did all those things for me. I've chosen to pay half and let them split the rest as I have more disposable income and they have mortgages/children/unpaid maternity leave
But you might have invited her and booked what you want author involving her (albeit factoring in her needs).
In an ideal world, yes of course she should offer. But you haven't behaved in a way that would lead her to pick up that you expect her to pay.
JadeSeahorse · 19/03/2023 09:41
QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 19/03/2023 09:22
If it was a joint holiday I would have assumed everyone would be involved in choosing accommodation, location etc.
If you went ahead and booked somewhere I can see why she assumes you are treating her.
Exactly my thoughts too!
Sorry OP, but if your mum had no say in the logistics then I honestly feel it's too late to ask.
However, I don't think it's too late to discuss financials around trips out, fuel, meals etc. before you go. Surely it would be really cheeky of her to expect you and DH to pay for everything.
redbigbananafeet · 19/03/2023 09:44
I can't believe that while you were looking at two bed cottages (do you get many one bed cottages? Would you not have had to get a two bed regardless?) you didn't think to check with her what she was comfortable paying. Very unreasonable to suddenly give a bill for a third of your holiday.
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