To ask Mum to contribute to hol costs

Of course she should pay her share. I also don’t see why you’re paying for all the petrol and most of the food. My mother would never expect this!!!! But then again she would’ve also helped me when I was struggling and she’s not wealthy.

I assumed she would offer to pay her share knowing how tight we are financially.

This is a strange assumption given that:

She has never in my life helped me financially, even when I was on my own and struggled sometimes

You need to stop assuming things or stop inviting her.

The conversation probably should of gone something like this “ mum we’re thinking of having a holiday this year, would you like to join us/ be interested in coming along, and we could split the cost of a cottage”

Of course mum should offer some money( unless she’s really strapped for cash)

When our friends/ family have asked us if we’d like to go away together, we’ve never expected them to pay. If your mom wasn’t going, you’d be saving money by getting much smaller accommodation.

if your financial situation is now tight, you could just say you can no longer afford it and cancel( most places allow for this- given enough notice)
she may then offer to contribute.

In future always have the “ money talk” first, in any scenario like this.

This. All of this.

I agree with this.

There's a big difference in gifting money and paying your way though.

My dad never helped me financially whilst he was alive, but he'd never have expected me to pay for him ever.

We took my Mum on a number of holidays and never dreamed of asking her - given that WE invited her - to pay. This was because she was MY MUM.

Interesting how some Mumsnetters are massively invested in the Hallmark holiday of 'Mother's Day' but berate widowed mothers for not assuming an invitation to a holiday was actually an invitation to split the cost.

I would ask her if she would mind making a contribution but don’t specify a third

Well I think she is a bit mean not offering a contribution; I have adults DC’s and it’s usually me paying for their holidays.

On the other hand yet again I am surprised at the number of people who book non essentials when money is tight. If you can’t afford it why book a holiday?

How much money is it OP?

In the scheme of things, with all your other expenses, it's probably not worth asking.

It sounds as if your mum deserves a treat.

I really don't think you can expect parents to help you out financially.

If I'd been invited to come along and then charged I'd feel upset. I'm sure she thought you were asking her along to your holiday with your DH as a guest not arranging a holiday together (in which she'd have been able to have an input into choosing the cottage and the place and even the time.)

If someone did that to me I'd say, "Oh I see - £500? - in which case I'd rather spend that towards a week in Tenerife with Kate from my art class".

I agree. I’d never invite someone and expect them to pay. Presumably she’ll pay for some meals out and a couple of grocery shops.

You're renovating a house, booking holidays, buying new car etc. I wouldn't assume you're struggling financially, from the outside looking in. People who ate struggling don't have the cash to renovate or book holidays.

This. Also, the way you invited her made it sound like you were offering to pay.

However, you need to ask her to pay 1/3 of the cottage, or you will feel resentful. So just get on and do it.

I have no view on the actual question.

What’s baffling about this scenario is that the OP doesn’t seem to like her mother, let alone love her. And yet arranging a very cosy ie cramped 2 bedroom holiday cottage family holiday. Odd.

Will await the thread you start bitching about your mum not doing this, that or the other whilst on holiday

You regard your connection to your mother as”someone”

So many assumptions, on both sides tbf. Who knows what the mum thinks in all of this, there has been no real communication. Mum might think she's going as a favour to them whilst they think they are doing her a favour. OP thought mum "might" like a holiday and also thought that mum would contribute. As my DH says "Do you know what thought did? Stuck a feather in his hat and thought he was a chicken!" It kinda sums up the madness of it all.

OP - there is no way to proceed without collateral damage. My suggestion would be to contact mum and say - "I have to cancel the holiday, the renovations have come up against some problems and with DPet's unexpected problem, our budget has just hit the wall. I'm so sorry if you were looking forward to it, we are so disappointed". This allows you all to withdraw from it and take any deposit hit as a stupidity tax. Your mum may now offer to contribute, to save the holiday, but if she doesn't then you know it didn't really matter to her/she was only doing it because it was free.

I think you should have discussed it at the time of asking her. But as you didn’t ask now. Say you’re not sure you can afford it now without her paying her way.

If my DS and DIL invited me away on holiday with them I'd always offer to contribute, but thats me. Knowing your mum I think you should have discussed money up front with her.

I invited DS and MIL on holiday this year and just told them I'll be paying so there's no awkwardness about who's doing what.

I also think it's too late to ask for money now. Take it as a learning experience instead.
I think we women have a tendency to expect mind reading from others in our lives. I can promise you your mother doesn't think about your financial struggles as much as you do, maybe even assumed you weren't as bad off as all that considering you invited her along on holiday.

We invite my best friend to come on holiday with us to a place we’re going anyway. I’d be quite offended if she offered to pay.

I wouldn't ask her today, of all days.

I'd have a chat with her and explain that the renovation costs have gone over your contingency amount so you're scraping together some money to be able to continue with that. The car/petrol thing is something you would have had to replace at some stage so you should always have an 'for emergencies' fund for things like that. In the meantime, if she could see her way to making a contribution to the cost of the holiday that would be greatly appreciated. You're covering the food/drink while on holiday and the getting there and back.
I certainly wouldn't say "This is your share of the costs, please transfer the money to my account" because as far as she is aware, it's all covered and she is being invited along for a holiday, not to make up the numbers and not to help pay the bills.
If she makes a contribution, that should help but lesson learned.
Stop being embarrassed by conversations about money.

You absolutely cannot ask her to contribute ffs!! YOU INVITED HER!!

Stop with the 'oh we just assumed' and 'she knows how strapped we are' shit!! YOU INVITED HER!!!!

Sure, people often go on joint holidays, and share the cost...BUT...they know from the start what portion they'll each be paying for!!

Your conversation (if you were wanting a split cost holiday!) should have been..."Do you fancy splitting the cost on a cottage/caravan/hotel next year? We will pay petrol and you can pay one third of the accommodation...we can all chip in for food etc."

But you didn't! YOU INVITED HER.

Hope that's cleared that up!

We have similar in we have booked a property abroad which would cost the same for whoever goes. My parents kind of hinted so we have asked them too and they are now coming. I would have been happy to foot the bill for the accommodation but with them coming it does increase travel costs so would have expected a contribution there. As it is they have offered money themselves so I didn't have to ask anything.

Your step kids are 25 and 30

so I’m guessing you’re no spring chicken

which must make your mum…. 80? Approaching?

she lost her husband. She is alone. Bloomin heck op, treat her

Too late to ask for the money now! Hopefully she will offer or at least offer to pay for food/days out while you are on holiday.