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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel awkward about our financial situation?

310 replies

Choppypog · 15/03/2023 16:15

Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.

Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...

But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.

I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!

OP posts:
KylieKangaroo · 15/03/2023 16:19

Definitely just enjoy it! I'd take it off of your hands happily 😅

Butchyrestingface · 15/03/2023 16:23

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

Your friends are one thing, but how do you colleagues know all these things?

ToughOleBird · 15/03/2023 16:23

Don’t tell them your biz! Whatever it is, they will be jealous. Even if they have the same they will still moan, like you’re the one who shouldn’t have what they have. If you have a serious Illness, they will unbelievably be jealous of it.

Original poster
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 16:26

Butchyrestingface · 15/03/2023 16:23

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

Your friends are one thing, but how do you colleagues know all these things?

Fair question.
Noticing my car in the car park (especially when I take DH's car to work).
And the fact we've just been for a spa break (it only came up in conversation because someone asked if we had any breaks planned)...I guess people aren't daft.

OP posts:
cigarettesNalcohol · 15/03/2023 16:26

Enjoy the money. Don't dwell on it

PonyPatter44 · 15/03/2023 16:30

Even in the public sector, "fancy" cars and spa breaks aren't exactly exceptional living, surely?

Perhaps if you feel awkward about having a bit of money, stop talking about specifics with people who are not actually your friends. As for the money itself, give your DC a nice life, and donate to charities you believe in, and then be thankful for the good life your money can give you.

MadMadMadamMim · 15/03/2023 16:36

If colleagues make jokey remarks again give them a hard stare and say 'My husband works very hard for his money" and then change the subject.

It's rude. They will hopefully realise that.

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 16:39

You do need to enjoy it.

You can just respond to comments with "yes, we're lucky that DH's work paid off."

And remember the fact that you've sacrificed your career, in part, to facilitate his.

I highly doubt he could be a completely equal parent and have got to where he is without your support, so you've earned it too, even though the payslip doesn't show your name.

Lampzade · 15/03/2023 16:41

I know what you mean Op
Something similar has happened to myself and dh.
My advice is not to tell people too much about your life and just enjoy it.

Turmerictolly · 15/03/2023 16:42

Just don't talk about it or be vague - instead of a spa break for example, just say you went to X part of the country/abroad. I think it would be quite easy to hide. We have a colleague who no-one knew was very wealthy for years. She was very modest and it was only when she retired and a few of us were invited to her home that we twigged. Basically a small stately home with a pool and staff! She was a quiet, down to earth person who did a lot of good work supporting people.

Turmerictolly · 15/03/2023 16:43

Ps make sure your dh maxes your pension out as equal to his.

balzamico · 15/03/2023 16:43

I'm in a similar position, as far as possible I keep my head down and tell as few people as possible about our holidays (which have been the most visible way in which we've spent a lot). The kids took some stick at school but dealt with it ok and now they're in the exam years we dont go away so much any more (for now!)
As far as you can, be vague but don't feel the need to apologise. I don't work but my support was instrumental in my husband's success in the early years (lots of hours and socialising when we had tiny children and no grandparents to help). I could not have done my job and had a family without having a live in nanny as I worked away and long hours too. I've learnt not to apologise for it, we're doing what works for us.

bibbybox · 15/03/2023 16:47

It's actually that demographically we are becoming more and more of an upside down triangle.

yes I wouldn't think anything of that. I have colleagues (i'm public sector) who have million pound homes, holiday homes, nice cars etc More timing tbh

SeasonFinale · 15/03/2023 16:48

Turmerictolly · 15/03/2023 16:43

Ps make sure your dh maxes your pension out as equal to his.

Can only do so to the limit of her earnings of since budget £60k whichever is lower.

57NewPosts · 15/03/2023 16:48

I get it. We are lucky that my husband and I have similar earnings. Not huge wealth but decent pay. I would feel embarrassed if he was earning huge amounts compared to me. I am very independent and would hate this.

Just don’t change as a person. That’s all you can do.

bibbybox · 15/03/2023 16:49

obviously if you talking multi millions then I don't see the point of down playing it

Led9519 · 15/03/2023 16:50

Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.

I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!

WombatBombat · 15/03/2023 16:50

We’re well-off & have a hell of a lot of savings that people don’t realise. We live quite frugal lifestyles and have cheaper cars etc - only thing we spend on is holidays/trips.

I donate to different charities each month and also volunteer my time (although getting trickier with a toddler).

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/03/2023 16:50

I third not saying too much to people. Most of my family don’t know how much we have let alone people I work with. Obviously they know we are comfortable as the DC went to private schools etc. but I leave them so make their own assessment of what comfortable means. One family member gave a guess of what they thought I earned in a conversation (not being unpleasant they were telling their DC that qualifications boost your earning power) their guess was about 30% of my actual income. I said nothing.

If anyone does comment directly on stuff I just say we have been fortunate and move on. I don’t say how hard I work because people might feel that I am suggesting they don’t work hard.

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 16:54

Led9519 · 15/03/2023 16:50

Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.

I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!

Sorry but this is a pretty entitled attitude

Hamster1111 · 15/03/2023 17:14

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 16:54

Sorry but this is a pretty entitled attitude

Show quote history

Agreed. How grabby!

Back to the OP. Just enjoy it, it is shared money. We are in a similar position although not as wealthy as you sound i dont think!

My DH earns a very good wage, whereas I work PT in a good, but not outstandingly well paid role.

I've done all childcare, housework, life admin etc for our family since the DC were born. DH just has to focus on work Monday to Friday, and often works away and very long hours.

He has a lovely cared for family and home because of me. He never has to take time off or work less hours because of the DC. My work is flexible and it's always me who would take time off if needed.

So he has advanced his career, whilst I've kept mine much smaller. Its fine, I'm happy with our set up. I view our money as shared, as does my DH. If anyone comments on holidays or cars or whatever I just say oh, yes, we're very lucky and move on. I don't feel awkward that its not me earning the majority of the money because we're a team.

Sundaefraise · 15/03/2023 17:25

We are average, but I work with some very wealthy people. It’s completely fine though because they are low key and we have normal interesting conversations and we have more to chat about than cars and holidays. I did work with one woman though who had married into a wealthy family and while she wasn’t a nasty person she managed to allude to how much money she had In almost every conversation - it was so crass. I’m sure you are more like the first group of people, in which case if your colleagues choose to make an issue of it that is their problem not yours.

Greenshake · 15/03/2023 17:27

Honestly, is this really something to worry about?

Sameformetoo · 15/03/2023 17:29

I am in a similar situation although I work full time. I'm very well practiced at not telling colleagues much at all whilst still being chatty. I don't want to feel awkward. Luckily we don't have fancy cars so they don't get an clues from that.

Sameformetoo · 15/03/2023 17:30

Greenshake · 15/03/2023 17:27

Honestly, is this really something to worry about?

Not really but I do worry my colleagues would think differently of me as we'd have fewer shared experiences of everyday life.

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