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To feel awkward about our financial situation?

310 replies

Choppypog · 15/03/2023 16:15

Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.

Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...

But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.

I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

OrangeKettle · 15/03/2023 19:21

Just try and enjoy it.

I got a text from my bank today, asking me to call them because I’m so overdrawn and obviously not managing it.

My ex husband was financially controlling and continues to be, by not paying towards his kids. I have three jobs and am studying in the hope of getting a better job in future.

Youngest just asked why I was eating cereal for dinner.

I would love to not have to worry about money! Just enjoy it :)


HaroldsHorseyLady · 15/03/2023 19:21

Areyounot · 15/03/2023 19:01

For goodness sake. I am sick of these “humble brag” posts. Just go enjoy it and stop rubbing everyone’s face in it. Absolutely joke. What a think to worry about.

Right?? Another poster said they don’t respect women who live off their husbands money and OP responds with a snarky I assume you mean when there are no children...yet she herself said she doesn’t see her husband’s money as hers. Make up your mind!


whittingtonmum · 15/03/2023 19:23

A few tips from me:

  1. Practice gratitude every single day. Many of us are in deep sh* with the cost of living crisis. Please just appreciate and be grateful for what you have
  2. Don't dodge your taxes. Don't use advisors who will suggest all kinds tax minimisation strategies or other funny sort of legal loopholes. Please don't use this. Pay your taxes fair and square to help invest in public services for all of our benefits. If you are rich enough join the Patriotic Millionaires UK.
  3. Give to charity
  4. Practice gratitude again

Itsmyturnnow1 · 15/03/2023 19:23

If you’re a nice genuine person who doesn’t brag about it, people won’t care! We have wealthier friends but they’re so down to earth and enjoy our company so who cares. Also money doesn’t buy everything, especially your health.. I thought about this during covid times.. it was the unknown for everyone and for some reason I kept thinking about celebs and rich people, no one was immune from it and no one is immune from any health issue regardless of wealth.

Enjoy it, stay down to earth, don’t brag and donate to charity!


Kay286 · 15/03/2023 19:27

I’m not sure a spa break is a massive flex that anyone would even think anything off ! Lots of people have fancy cars … you don’t have to go into work dripping in flashy designer clothes etc you can keep wealth low key if you choose!


KingHungDong · 15/03/2023 19:28

Just enjoy it @Choppypog! No need to apologise or feel guilty about anything.


Choppypog · 15/03/2023 19:29

HaroldsHorseyLady · 15/03/2023 19:21

Right?? Another poster said they don’t respect women who live off their husbands money and OP responds with a snarky I assume you mean when there are no children...yet she herself said she doesn’t see her husband’s money as hers. Make up your mind!

Hang on. I'm confused. The 'snarky' (apparently) response was because that poster said they don't respect women who live off their husband's money.
I chose to go part time because we had a young child, as many many mums do.
We saved quite alot before I went on maternity leave to cover it.
I did not go part time because my husband can cover me, because at the time he wasn't earning anywhere near as much.

OP posts:

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/03/2023 19:29

well yes, if you feel the urge to show off how much you car is worth in person too then they probably think you’re a twat. I’d suggest you’re probably pretending not to boast whilst dropping into convo every 5 mins

this description is spot on.


GG1986 · 15/03/2023 19:29

I work with some extremely wealthy people(I am the assistant,fml!) They worked really hard for years at university to get where they are today, they deserve their wage, just as your husband does. If you feel awkward in front of friends or colleagues then try not to talk about money or holidays too much. Also you work 2 days a week because you sacrificed your career to have his child and be home more. You are married, your finances are joint.


Choppypog · 15/03/2023 19:31

Shamdyhandy · 15/03/2023 19:16

@Choppypog yes they can see a car clearly. But the way you were desperate to tell us how much it was when no-one actually asked is indicative of what you’re probably like with them.

100% wrong, but ok.

OP posts:

Museya15 · 15/03/2023 19:32

First world problem mate!


LocationLocationLocomotion · 15/03/2023 19:39

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 16:54

Sorry but this is a pretty entitled attitude

It’s not entitled, it’s called community and supporting your family when you have the means to. Is that not fashionable any more? There really is no such thing as society, eh?


DuvetDownn · 15/03/2023 19:41

Just enjoy your situation. I had a similar set up when my DC were young, my DH earned 100 times what I earned. I found people don’t really care, my friends probably thought of me as their rich friend, just as I thought of them as my friend with a big family and great social life or whatever. I found people got used to the fact that we went on holiday nearly every school holiday. Quite a few would ask for advice or it became a bit of a joke that I’d probably been there.
Playing things down will backfire on you, people aren’t silly. Own your situation, be kind and honest to people and they simply won’t care.


GoodChat · 15/03/2023 19:43

@LocationLocationLocomotion wanting to support your family is fine. Expecting a family member, who you clearly don't have a close relationship with, to finance your life because they've got lucky is crass.


OxygenthiefexH · 15/03/2023 19:43

Actually this is a Thing. And without being dramatic, I’d recommend exploring how you feel about money and wealth with a counsellor and dog down to what’s really eating you because if you don’t, these uneasy feelings will come out somewhere, and may well damage your relationship.


Ovidnaso · 15/03/2023 19:48

Yes, as others have said, you did the work too: you're a team.
I'd give lots to charities, put lots aside for my children's futures and retirement, live a comfortable but not luxurious lifestyle and give away what was left to people who need it.


youshouldnthaveasked · 15/03/2023 19:49

CurtainsForBea · 15/03/2023 19:00

Right- okay i will answer this from my experience.

We are rich. Multi millionaires. DH is retired and I am in a job where I earn £17k.

My colleagues i assume know we are rich- 2 DCs in private school for a start and they know DH is retired. We do have ordinary cars though- a Ka in my case. But we live in a large house.

I never ever talk about money. I go to work. I wear clothes from tesco. I have a simple car. I am sure my colleagues wonder. But I never ever bring it up, or rub it in their face. I never go into details about holidays that we have (which are modest as it happens because DH hates to travel). I will join in with complaints about the cost of living etc because the cost of living is rising and we notice it too. But I never ever give away anything verbally that might show that my situation is quite solvent.

Don't talk about it. Dont boast. Don't give away verbal cues like moaning that your diamon shoes are too tight. if anyone asks- company car.

You'll find that you can actually go under the radar a bit of you are discreet.

@CurtainsForBea good advice. Classy and elegant behaviour


MaeMair · 15/03/2023 19:57

It's not hard not to give details. "Away for the weekend". Or "in Bath" for the weekend, "yes it's lovely isn't it". Etc.

I work in a job where people ask me personal questions that they dont need to know the answer to and I just smooth them over with a nice bland answer. I've literally answered the question "oh going on holiday? Anywhere nice?" With the answer "yes" and a big smile a number of times. I've a colleague of 3 years who has got by just fine by being vague about where she lives, who with and where she goes on holiday, to her colleagues! She's perfectly lovely to talk to and an expert dodger of detail!

If you don't want to say...just don't!


Climbles · 15/03/2023 19:57

This thread is great evidence of why the OP feels awkward. When you have money everything you say can be interpreted as showing off. The OP said how much the car cost because people were claiming it cost more than many peoples houses.


SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2023 19:58

Can't respect women who live off their husband's earnings and don't have their own careers. I know that will be an unpopular opinion but it is my personal one. well perhaps with your wealth @BotterMon you can pay for the 121 childcare my first child needs due to his disabilities, then I can get off carers allowance and be worthy once again of people's respect, given I'm currently just shit on your shoe with my leeching off a man inclinations


Choppypog · 15/03/2023 20:01

Climbles · 15/03/2023 19:57

This thread is great evidence of why the OP feels awkward. When you have money everything you say can be interpreted as showing off. The OP said how much the car cost because people were claiming it cost more than many peoples houses.

It is awkward. It's one of the reasons I didn't reply to many people on the first couple of pages as I was just sat there gobsmacked at how different people feel about it.

OP posts:

luxuryisforme · 15/03/2023 20:02

Enjoy it, I do Grin


bibbybox · 15/03/2023 20:06

Classy and elegant behaviour

Why is it classy & elegant to drive a Ka & west Tesco clothes if you're a multimillionaire? I mean do want you want just don't understand why it's been labelled as such.


WombatChocolate · 15/03/2023 20:06

I wonder if you’re being hypersensitive to how people react. Perhaps that’s part of you adjusting to your newfound wealth….and it can take some adjusting to, as you work out the lifestyle you want to live. Some people become very wealthy and it’s not that obvious. Are you suddenly going to substantially change your lifestyle? That will take some getting used to….and how others react to that is just a tiny part of you adjusting.

Treat people the same, be the same person with colleagues etc. As previously, there’s no need to go into lots of details about ‘stuff’ you have. Be aware that you are likely to be hypersensitive to reactions.

I’d not focus on others and think about working through how much you want your life to change or remain the same. This is your thing to work through, and how you feel about not being the one who has brought in the wealth. I’m sure your DH isn’t bothered by that at all, but it’s an issue for you to work through.

Do you now want to have lots of fancy holidays and cars? Will your kids change schools? Will you move or buy other properties? You need to think through all that. Are you going to be ‘flash’ and obvious that your life has changed….of course people will notice that.

There’s lots to work through. You’re the same person if you dont let yourself be changed. Other people know you for who you were and still are.


Bunnycat101 · 15/03/2023 20:07

Firstly there will be lots of other public sector workers who are supported by better earning partners so there will never be total equality of life experiences.

Secondly I’m sure you’re over conscious about it. There will definitely be ways to fly under the radar. Eg holiday to Greece could be a 2k package or a £20k luxury stint in Sani. No-one needs to know how much you’ve spent. Your car could have been a company car. It is possible to hide a lot.

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