To feel awkward about our financial situation?

[Choppypog]

Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.

Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...

But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.

I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!

[Grrrrdarling]

@Choppypog

Indeed.
It is awkward. It's one of the reasons I didn't reply to many people on the first couple of pages as I was just sat there gobsmacked at how different people feel about it.

What you are feeling is totally normal, especially if you grew up with very little, & it actually has a name. It is called Imposter syndrome.
You say you feel like you haven’t done anything to deserve the nice life & money you have now & that life & money is about to hugely increase making you feel very anxious & nervous about that situation.
If you add up all the childcare, house work, sacrifices that you have made to help your partner achieve the level he has than you really are very much entitled to a percentage of that wealth.

For me even if I won money in the Lottery I would feel like I didn’t deserve it.
I’d also wonder what others thought about me because I suddenly had nice things meaning they would possibly wonder if I had lots of money.
At the end of the day people will chat whether they know your situation or not as It is just human nature to speculate.
Those that know you & that matter in your life won’t bat an eyelid & those that don’t know you & gossip don’t matter.

Do you, enjoy your partnerships good fortune & live your life ❤

[Chevybaby]

@GoodChat

Sorry but this is a pretty entitled attitude

I don't see how it's entitled to be disappointed that someone isn't generous. If this sister were extremely "time rich" but refused to give her elderly parents a lift to doctors appointments or help them set up their broadband everyone would be like "What's her problem?" but swap out time for cash and everyone loves to start throwing around the word "entitled" to make themselves feel better about their own individualistic attitudes.

Everyone is entitled to be as selfish as they wish but let's not pretend hoarding cash is the behaviour of a generous person. You can on principle refuse to help people around you with your bountiful fortune and so many terrific personal attributes will still be available to you (funny, smart, great in bed etc etc etc) but you can't be considered generous. Sorry.

Obviously don't know the ins and outs of the sister's life, appearances can be very deceiving and Mumsnet posts can be overly simplistic! But fundamentally the idea that you could have enough cash to buy a million pound holiday house you'll only live in for 3 weeks a year while your elderly parents* are struggling to get up and down the stairs but can't afford a stairlift is gross and if you disagree then you and I are on different planets.

*assuming your parents cared for you well in your childhood

[Climbles]

@Blondewithredlips

Agree. Love a stealth boast.

It’s an anonymous forum. Why would anyone come on just to brag?

[Climbles]

@Cheeseandhoney

Agree, this he is only where he is due to me is literally insane. Childcare and housework can be outsourced. Man or woman who progess in their career is not because they have a spouse doing the child care and chores. No more than the school is to be credited due having them during the day or the nanny or cleaner.

But it’s not just cleaning and child care is it? It’s sorting mothers day cards, booking holidays, organising the kids after school clubs, planning dinner parties, decorating the house, taking the dog to the groomers and sorting the million things a household needs. You can’t outsource it all. Yes it’s possible to be successful without it, but it’s much easier and more pleasant with it. The women claiming the have become successful without being facilitated have either sacrificed a huge amount or would have been even more successful if they’d had a facilitator.

[Nocutenamesleft]

A Volvo is an £80,000 car and doesn’t shout wealth!!!!! The big one anyway.

[cloejnana]

Used to be in a similar situation, it felt really awkward and I was scared to even enjoy my money. Then lost it all due to covid - Now unable to pay my bills, I hate myself for not being more grateful for what I had, when I had money.

Just relax, don't let others judge you and enjoy the moment !

[calmdowndear2023]

And they say nurses have it tough...

[Blondewithredlips]

@mia778

Just sounds totally brag to me. Enjoy your lifestyle , why are you stressing over being more fortunate than most people just carry on you don’t need to discuss your finances with anyone really do you?

Agree. Love a stealth boast.

[Kit7]

Reasonable to worry but don’t let it cloud your enjoyment. There’s people earning a hell of a lot more than you (collectively) are. Enjoy your life and be grewtful for the good times.

[Ali85]

@Bellaboo01

It's because the OP said that the car costs more than some people's houses - so i suppose some of us were thinking she is rocking up to her work in a 700k car which probably would be really interesting for some people in the office but, then she said the car cost 80k (what house costs 80k)?

TBF I don't think it was the OP who said that, it was Lilypad26 . It's not really clear what the OP means by her DH doing 'insanely' well or becoming 'very wealthy', that probably means very different things to different people. It doesn't look as if she'll be coming back though.

[Bellaboo01]

@Choppypog

Because I have a toddler.

Why is having a toddler stopping you having a career?

Many of us do and have been doing it and also having more than one child. You are making the choice.

[Bellaboo01]

It's because the OP said that the car costs more than some people's houses - so i suppose some of us were thinking she is rocking up to her work in a 700k car which probably would be really interesting for some people in the office but, then she said the car cost 80k (what house costs 80k)?

[mustgetoffmn]

I think trying to pin the feelings onto physical outcomes of wealth eg car holiday etc is where you might need to pause. Im in a similar state after sadly and unexpectedly getting a significant lump of money from inheritance of near relative. I’ve had similar work and family structure to you - not used to excess money. As we say a problem many would like to have. Im surprised that the money feels nice but not as amazingly enjoyable as you would think. It gives me future stability for retirement but really I just want the relative back and wish they’d spent the money on themselves. So to sum up getting money not always so amazing a feel good as we are expecting because feelings come into play

[user1468761869]

*by

[user1468761869]

Most women earn less than men. The system has been set up buy men for the benefit of men for centuries, women are playing catch up and this started reletively recently. Childcare and other caring work is work, without a women's contribution society cannot succeed. Despite being a solicitor, I earn far less than my spouse despite working hard in school etc. I look after the house, kids and work. I consider my contribution equal to that of DH. If your are lucky, as I am that DH values you, enjoy it!

[CriticalAlert]

I'd happily be in your position. I am skint!! But you have options. You could give up work and volunteer. You could stay at work and don't mention what you're buying/doing. I had a friend years ago with a similar problem. She worked at a charity and her husband became a real high flyer in the City, earning a fortune - this was in the 80s. My friend actually couldn't cope, she felt very guilty somehow. Anyway she eventually gave up work and did another degree. Sadly she left me far behind. The money separated us. But I'd enjoy your life!

[CatMattress]

I think I would just caution you to set up some savings in your own name, create some investments, buy yourself (or ask for) nice jewellery and maybe a property in trust for your child.

I hope you both stay in love forever and ever, but you're in a vulnerable position and he could walk away and leave you with very little. Spousal support is not a thing. Child maintenance is laughable, half the time. Clever men can, and do, weasle out of paying what they owe once they move on. I really hope this doesn't happen to you, but do your best to protect yourself.

Insist on a larger, more expensive house than you genuinely need perhaps. That way half of the cost of it could still buy you a house if you end up single.

Best wishes. Enjoy the wealth. Stop apologising. Protect yourself.

From an ex wife who swore her (then) husband would "never do that".

[JessieLongleg]

Why don't you give them something else to talk about for example I know someone in my community that started a group to clean up protected wildlife areas. It's so amazing what he does never even thorght about how much money he has.

[RachaelN]

You don't need to tell anyone anything. Enjoy that life is good.
I'm not the jealous type. We have a mortgage on a house that has no heating and no double glazing, but it is our little castle and life isn't too bad. We will get there eventually, but it takes its toll. My other half works so hard in a physical job and I appreciate everything he does.

[Lampzade]

Op, I can understand why suddenly coming into a lot of money can be a bit of a shock to the system and I can understand why you are a little concerned about how others may perceive you. However, one thing I cannot understand is why you feel guilty about not ‘earning’ the money,

Op, why should you feel guilty about spending money that your dh earned while married to you.?
You better believe that if my husband was minted and even if I had not ‘worked ‘ a day in my life I would regard that money as our money.
We are married and therefore what belongs to dh belongs to me and vice versa.
I wouldn’t have a problem spending the spoils and would enjoy every second tbh.
I have given dh three beautiful kids and have the stretch marks to prove it.
I endured three long labours , strep b infection and swollen ankles . My once perky boobs look like fried eggs , my six pack has disappeared and you are telling me that I shouldn’t enjoy money made during the marriage .
Op, when your dh wasn’t wealthy people expected you to ‘share’ the poverty so why shouldn’t you ‘share’ the wealth?
People coming into money provokes a lot of resentment/ envy . Everyone and their dog has an opinion on how wealthy people should spend their own money. Ignore them.

Many women would give their right arm ( and throw in their left leg )to have what you have. Enjoy it
Obviously you and your dh should have discussions about finances. You don’t want to be left in a vulnerable position if the marriage was to end.
Btw you don’t have to discuss your finances with anyone. I don’t even talk about money with family and close friends because frankly it’s none of their business.

[kennycat]

@Choppypog

Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.

Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...

But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.

I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.

The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.

I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!

I feel a bit similarOP. We’ve got a fairly nice life but the money has one from my husband’s success. I never feel I can splurge as I always consider it ‘his miney’ although he always tells me I’m being ridiculous and that it’s ‘ours’.
i save, use vouchers, constantly look for discounts as if we had very little money as I just don’t feel I can spend the money freely.
i gave up work while the chn were young and he says he couldn’t have earned what he does if I’d worked but I don’t see it.
and yes I hide our situation from others as I don’t feel it’s my doing that has put us there.
we are weirdos aren’t we?!

[Densol57]

All the money Ive made has been made by me. Never had a bloke support me and never will.

[pcl09]

General population don’t like people who have money. Unpleasant but true. You need to get used to it and ignore it. No point dwelling on it or worrying about whether it affects others’ view of you. It does.

Get used to the comments and snide remarks because sadly, they are not going to go away. People will hate you and your dh for having enough money to be charged a small fortune in tax that props up the economy, that pays for the very system which supports millions of people in this country (as it well should) and then those same people will tell you they don’t like the fact you have money. Or worse, they will show you they don’t like it by looking down their nose at you for having the audacity to earn above whatever they do.

The sooner you accept this as fact and learn to be comfortable in your own skin with your hard earned cash (and yes it is your hard earned cash too despite it coming from dh’s work), the happier you’ll be with it.

Pay your taxes, donate or give as much or as little away as you want - to whomever you want…. And then enjoy the rest with a clear conscience and pride in your achievement.

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

@Led9519

Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.

I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!

I agree with you. I take great pleasure in treating those I love.

[Fastsfash]

@Led9519

Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.

I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!

Baffled by your comment. It is her money that SHE works for ??? Why should she have to ‘share it around ?’

if she does , that would be very very gracious of her , but if she’d rather spend it all on herself ?.. Well she can because it’s her money