AIBU?
To feel awkward about our financial situation?
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 16:15
Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.
Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...
But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.
I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.
The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.
I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Partyandbullshit · 15/03/2023 17:53
The only reason this is even on your mind is because you’ve talked about it, directly or indirectly. Nobody extrapolates what you’ve described from a Maserati and a spa break.
Keep it to yourself. No good will ever come of talking about it outside of your marriage.
MegaManic · 15/03/2023 17:59
I'm so glad I'm not deep enough to be concerned about stuff like this - I would happily spend my husbands money, or anyone elses who was offering!
Look at it this way op - if you weren't at home looking after your daughter and probably doing most of the house stuff he couldn't so as well as he does at his job.
ActDottie · 15/03/2023 18:00
I can totally understand where you’re coming from. My mother is in the exact same situation in that they were expecting c£300k from my dad’s business of retirement but it’s come to light the actual amount is £1m! Which is absolute madness and she’s struggling to come to terms with it because they’ve never had this much money! I think the best thing you can do is give it time etc. to let it sink in to give time in terms of how you plan to spend/save/invest it.
thaegumathteth · 15/03/2023 18:01
Led9519 · 15/03/2023 16:50
Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.
I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!
This is so cringey to read. One of my siblings is a multi millionaire. I would be really not happy to take money off them. They do help my mum (pay for cleaner) but I know there's no way she'd take more than that and even that was a struggle.
Why on Earth would you consider your sister's money yours? Bizarre.
Bellaboo01 · 15/03/2023 18:02
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 16:15
Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.
Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...
But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.
I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.
The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.
I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!
This is surely a wind-up/troll!!!
I am cringing at how you are speaking.
I suppose if you are a millionaire then if you feel like you want to then help some of your family that are less fortunate.
TedMullins · 15/03/2023 18:03
I do think it’s a bit tone deaf to post about this in a cost of living crisis but I also kind of know what you mean - if can feel jarring when you’ve grown up working class. I out-earn my partner by at least double but I wouldn’t want him spending my money either so I get that feeling too (albeit the other way around). We don’t have kids though so easier to keep everything separate.
LookingOldTheseDays · 15/03/2023 18:04
PonyPatter44 · 15/03/2023 16:30
Even in the public sector, "fancy" cars and spa breaks aren't exactly exceptional living, surely?
Perhaps if you feel awkward about having a bit of money, stop talking about specifics with people who are not actually your friends. As for the money itself, give your DC a nice life, and donate to charities you believe in, and then be thankful for the good life your money can give you.
I agree with this. A fancy car or a spa break wouldn't be remarked upon in my workplace. I think you must be talking about your money more than you think if you're attracting comments.
Led9519 · 15/03/2023 18:06
Hamster1111 · 15/03/2023 17:14
Agreed. How grabby!
Back to the OP. Just enjoy it, it is shared money. We are in a similar position although not as wealthy as you sound i dont think!
My DH earns a very good wage, whereas I work PT in a good, but not outstandingly well paid role.
I've done all childcare, housework, life admin etc for our family since the DC were born. DH just has to focus on work Monday to Friday, and often works away and very long hours.
He has a lovely cared for family and home because of me. He never has to take time off or work less hours because of the DC. My work is flexible and it's always me who would take time off if needed.
So he has advanced his career, whilst I've kept mine much smaller. Its fine, I'm happy with our set up. I view our money as shared, as does my DH. If anyone comments on holidays or cars or whatever I just say oh, yes, we're very lucky and move on. I don't feel awkward that its not me earning the majority of the money because we're a team.
GoodChat · 15/03/2023 16:54
Sorry but this is a pretty entitled attitude
Led9519 · 15/03/2023 16:50
Not sure if this would help with the awkwardness but can I suggest you be generous with it? My sister has a very well paid job (her bonus alone is 4* my salary) she has just bought a £1 million holiday home in Dorset. Meanwhile my other sister was made redundant in the pandemic and can’t afford the flight to my dc’s christening… I can’t afford it either… and my parents were hoping for something towards a bungalow or even a stair lift (but too proud to ask). We don’t expect anything of her in a way as it’s her job and her money but… I am disappointed she’s not more generous or aware or others needs. She seems to spend her money on herself or save it.
I’d hope if I had some money I might pay for an extended family holiday in Summer for my siblings… nieces and nephews and I’d certainly make sure my parents were comfortable. Not sure if that would make you feel more or less awkward though!
I don’t know, my mum struggling up and down the stairs as she has bad legs but she’s too proud to ask my millionaire sister to put in a stair lift that my parents certainly can’t afford for themselves.
Maybe the rest is, but given our background I didn’t expect her to be like this. I suggested we give my unemployed sister some cash for her birthday otherwise she wouldn’t have thought to give her anything. I don’t get it tbh.
I think in other cultures it would be much more common to make sure your family were all okay. Seems here it’s “you’re on your own” even when it comes to elderly parents.
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/03/2023 18:08
Firstly just enjoy it and don't worry about others you and your husband are a team and part of the reason he is able to earn this money is due to your help along the way. Secondly I don't understand why anybody needs to know what money you have I have no clue about my colleagues finances. If someone was going on a spa break or a holiday I wouldn't think much of it as this is quite standard and if someone had a nice car I'd just assume its probably on finance or that they'd been saving. I don't know its not really something I think about I think the only time I would think anything is if the person had a butler and was chauffeured around in a limo and even then I'd only be thinking why are you still working in this 💩 hole.
Starflecked · 15/03/2023 18:10
Honestly most people don't care, the only time they'll find it annoying is if you keep finding ways to bring it up in conversation. If it eases your guilt just remember I guess that you put your career on the back burner to work part time in a lowish paid job whilst you doing this facilitated his career. If you split he would be much better off financially than you going forward so you wouldn't have to feel guilty about all this wealth.
Noicant · 15/03/2023 18:15
I have no problem using a few hundred of Dh’s earnings on a couple of hours at a spa, why would I, I would never begrudge him if I were the higher earner. Plus the state of my stomach after DD, the man owes me.
If you don’t talk about it no-one knows. Plus they probably all secretly think that everything you own is on finance and you owe a shit ton in credit card debt. Waaaay overthinking this. People think less about you than you think they do, most of us are thinking about ourselves.
Train007 · 15/03/2023 18:18
I work in an area where most of my colleagues live hand to mouth on minimum wage . They know that we are fairly comfortable financially just because I work only a few hours a week, my husband has a very expensive hobby which means he is away a lot.
I certainly don’t bang on about it and I have never picked up on any resentment from them . I respect each and everyone of my colleagues for working such long hours on such rubbish money.
Likewise I have very wealthy friends and friends who are skint . Again absolutely no judgement from myself or others . Cannot really understand your problem TBH unless you have a tendency to brag or insensitive towards other peoples situation.
Supersands · 15/03/2023 18:19
I guess it’s about how you want to spend it. Do you need want a flash car. Then people would be less likely to notice. Many people seem to have money/lifestyle competition going on. At the end of the day do what makes you happy. You sound like you are aware of it and not discussing it. That’s a good way to be I think. There is others who love to brag/pretend they have more than they actually have.
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