AIBU?
To feel awkward about our financial situation?
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 16:15
Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.
Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...
But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.
I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.
The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.
I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!
Am I being unreasonable?
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Lilypad26 · 15/03/2023 18:19
@Choppypog I completely understand where you are coming from.
I am and have been in a similar position to you - I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to work part time in a job that I love but doesn’t pay well because of how well my husband has done. It’s impossible to hide it when you turn up to work in a car that’s worth more than a lot of peoples houses so I also understand about your concern about friends and colleagues.
Almost all my friends just carried on as normal - yes there were odd comments and I’m sure there still is but you learn to just ignore it. One friend voiced that they thought it was unfair and that they couldn’t stick around to see me “land on my feet” and they cut themselves off. If money affects a person to that extent are they really a good friend?
Although yes I love the life we have - I never take it for granted as you are right - DH is the one to achieved however he frequently reminds me (if I ever bring up that I can’t spend that much on a indulgent purchase) that he wouldn’t have been able to achieve what he has if I wasn’t at home taking on the brunt of the childcare as you can’t put a price on that.
so don’t devalue yourself. You’ve helped his journey to success!!
All that said - I think keeping a foot in the door and working part time just helps with the respect that you have for each other and let you have your “own” money too so keep doing what you are doing!
it’s impossible for people to understand if they aren’t in the position - I was also a woman that always said “I’ll never live off a man’s success” etc but when you are a team and you are running a home/ raising a family it’s very different.
enjoy it!
Overthebloodymoon · 15/03/2023 18:21
@Led9519 - why don’t you subsidize your parents? Why is it your sister’s job? And the council will come and install stairlifts if an elderly person needs one… No wonder the OP doesn’t want people knowing of her good fortune if this is how people secretly think!
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 18:23
JudgyVonHolierThanThou · 15/03/2023 18:16
Are you going to engage with some of the suggestions and ideas on the thread, @Choppypog?
Or have you just lit the touch paper and sat back to watch, for the fun of it?
I had to laugh at this.
Yes I've been watching and reading all the replies. There's a few posters I could directly reply to but honestly I'm amazed by the variety in responses.
There's definitely alot of food for thought, and some really good advice I'll definitely take on board, including the more negative ones. Of course people are out there in much worse situations, I know that.
SafelySoftly · 15/03/2023 18:24
I just don’t get this. I earn very well and am about to get a big promotion where my considerable salary is going to double. But I don’t drive a flashy car because there’s no need and it ultimately would make me feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to buy these things you know!
Rainbow1901 · 15/03/2023 18:24
At the end of the day it is just money in the bank. If you don't tell people they won't know about it.
You probably won't even change your outlook initially and by that if you have always been careful with money that won't change overnight. You won't suddenly start buying more expensive stuff just because you can. Even if you are out shopping and spend a lot on a big shop when out with friends or family - so what? It happens to us all the next time you won't.
Don't think about it - just enjoy it and if you can help someone along the way -then great!!
Flowersinmai · 15/03/2023 18:27
You have a DH who loves and respects you and sees you as his equal. And clearly believes in his marriage vows - ‘all that i have I share with you’. That is a fortunate thing to have in your life! Don’t forget it’s likely your support that contributes towards the success he has had in his career
It’s definitely an odd feeling when financial circumstances change.
Take your time to adjust to it. Stay real to yourself. It will be ok.
Maybe be a little more private/circumspect with those around you who do not wish you well. I think the British are so different from other nationalities eg like the Americans when it comes to financial success. It’s ok to be happy and celebrate it. You can also help others more - charities etc. And that’s a wonderful thing to be able to do.
BeverlyHa · 15/03/2023 18:33
I don't consider spa breaks or oversized cars something to be jealous of. We have small car because my husband likes it like this. For the rest, why do you need to worry what people will think or whose earnings it is. You probably should worry if he puts all the money away into his own account and gives you small amounts of it.
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 18:34
Bluebellwood129 · 15/03/2023 18:30
I wouldn't even think about it. People have far more 'hidden' wealth than you might expect.
Actually, funny you should say that. One person I know saved and saved and saved all his life and now has tens of thousands in the bank. Problem is, he's pretty old now and doesn't know what to do with it! Has spent the last 10 years sat at home, health problems so doesn't want to go far. None of us even knew until recently.
HelloBunny · 15/03/2023 18:34
I know a woman in a similar position to you. I’d assumed that they were struggling away, like the rest of us, until they bought a very big fuck-off-mansion. Fair play! Her husband has worked very hard on his business & it finally paid off. Other friends are quite jealous, though...
Wishimaywishimight · 15/03/2023 18:39
You have answered your own question! Seriously, stop looking for problems where there are none. Life will throw problems at you from time to time, money won't protect ypu from everything so while things are going nicely for you why not relish your good fortune and make the most of this happy period in your life.
Perhaps it would help you enjoy the money if you were also doing some good with it eg donating to charity. I am not in quite your situation (by a long way!) but we recently finished paying the mortgage and I plan on making regular contributions to my favourite charity (the hospice who cared for my dad).
In short, start looking at the positives amd enjoy!
SueVineer · 15/03/2023 18:44
PonyPatter44 · 15/03/2023 16:30
Even in the public sector, "fancy" cars and spa breaks aren't exactly exceptional living, surely?
Perhaps if you feel awkward about having a bit of money, stop talking about specifics with people who are not actually your friends. As for the money itself, give your DC a nice life, and donate to charities you believe in, and then be thankful for the good life your money can give you.
Exactly- lots of people have expensive cars that are leased and a spa day isn’t a big deal. I think you are just feeling sensitive
Sobloodysoreandfedup · 15/03/2023 18:45
Spiderboy · 15/03/2023 18:34
There are many wealthy people that you wouldn’t even clock. If you choose flashy cars and expensive holidays, people will notice…. Just respond “yeah we are fortunate”
Came here to say this. People won’t actually care unless you start ostentatiously flashing the cash which is just tacky.
Pythonhyphen · 15/03/2023 18:46
I work with someone who shoehorns into every conversation random bits of info that allude to their wealth (no idea if they are actually rich but that's definitely the vibe they're trying to put across!), just don't become one of those and you'll be fine, people won't know/be bothered. Same with friends, unless you're going on and on about it then I'm sure they'll be happy for you.
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